Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Did You Watch President Obama's News Conference?

Thirteen Pre-Prepared Questions From Twelve and One Half Admirers Reporters


The highlight, for me, was Helen Thomas' question, presented here verbatim:

"Mr. President, do you think that Pakistan and -- are maintaining the safe havens in Afghanistan for these so-called terrorists? And, also, do you know of any country in the Middle East that has nuclear weapons?"

To me what was even more amazing than Helen still being allowed to sit there with her painted lips and her fox stole around her neck was that the President pretended to know what she had asked and he answered her.

I'd have given her a "do what?"

I'm sure in the last part about "Nukes" she was talking about Israel rather than Iran, and I'm insulted with her continued "so called terrorists" dogma.

I just wish someone would stir some extra Metamucil into her Ensure, pop a few Geritol in her mouth and wheel her back to assisted living in suburban Maryland and give us all a break here.

Virgil's Valentine Bear Company

If You Can't Join 'Em...Beat 'Em


Anyone but me tired of watching the antics of the three stripper chicks on the Vermont Teddy Bear commercials?

On the late night version...I swear to God...the bimbo recipient says this line:

"...it's so much bigger than I thought...(other girls squealing in the background)...I could just kiss it and kiss it..."

Pluuuueeeeeeaaaassssseeeee...Spare me the innuendo.

UPDATE: I found the long ad in YouTube here:



As an equal opportunity insulter, the guys featured in the ad certainly look like losers that would buy the bears based on the appearance of the girls and the rhetoric delivered in the process of opening a box of goods that virtually everyone in America has heard "will make her think you spent days coming up with..."

No...you saw the ad, googled "Vermont Valentine Bear," gave them your credit card number, and hung up the phone on your way to go buy condoms and cheep wine.

Any way...I checked out the web site and wrote about this same subject tongue and cheek (excuse the pun) a few years ago.

This morning I thought I'd revisit the subject again because looking at the site I see that they're somewhat insensitive and exclusionary in their selection and obvious exploitation of certain societal and racial stereotypes of men this Valentines day.

If I were running my own competing "Virgil's Valentine Bear Company" I'd expect to be forced by government equality mandate to include products based on a WIDE cross section of our ever broadening melting pot society.

Not just white people or black people or construction workers or PHD's like Vermont Bear does.

I've taken a preliminary look this evening in some other places and come up with a few pretty good ideas I think.

As a tribute to the undervalued and oft overlooked American Sanitation Engineer, I'd do something using this guy as the model:





Pretty good...huh. After all, everyone doesn't want a CEO Bear or a Donald Trump Bear because it might hurt an ego or two.

Then, while looking through the Vermont Bear offerings I noticed a lack of "diversity" when it came to products aimed at the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgendered) market and I immediately thought of these guys:



That covers a lot of ground in my book, how about you?

And not to leave out the angry lesbian part of the LGBT equation I thought of this lovely woman...


That particular model would definitely have to be fully clothed and offered in a extra heavy, extra large cardboard box so the price would put it in a different category from say...the Skinny Gay "Brokeback Mountain" Cowboy Bear or the "Indian Chief with the vibrating tommahawk Caricature Bear."

And finally, I noticed lots of "blue collar" offerings on the Vermont site, but they were all mostly based on "Caucasian" Americans. How about a Bear based on one of the hard working guys from another land country that supports our glorious American way of life?

Someone like this "Taxi Driver Bear" guy from the middle east?



...or this cuddly little fellow, "Construction Worker Bear on His Day Off" from south of the border?


I know, I know, I know..you're probably all excited about the idea by now, and I'm hard at work in my spare time working on my bear prototypes but I'm afraid my products won't be making it to market by February 14th.

Bear with me here (no pun intended) as I get organized, and please keep me in mind for next year. I'll keep you informed as things develop.

No Matter What The Politicians Do (Short of Outright Fascism or Socialism)

The Economy's Gonna Improve...


Didn't I tell ya?

Did you take me up on the bet I made with my readers last Friday?

After downplaying the Senate's passage of a new Porkulus "Stimulus" Package the Senate was touting their astute ability to work together to reduce the package below $800 billion, I wrote these prophetic words:

I bet everyone who reads this a dollar of my "stimulus" payment that the final numbers meet or exceed the $900 billion plus cost they started out with Yesterday.

President Obama went on TV tonight to defend the process which is coming to a close this week in conference committee just as the Drudge Report is linking to this story tonight saying the new numbers are now up to $970 Billion.

And they're not finished.

They're saying this thing contains enough money to PAY OFF 90% of the home mortgages in the ENTIRE COUNTRY.

And the other funny thing is that it is all supposed to be about producing jobs...now nearly 4,000,000 of them.

Do the math...that's a cost of $242,500 PER JOB.

And what kind of jobs are we talking about here? Most likely...GOVERNMENT JOBS...because I've worked for myself for over a decade and I've hired a few people and produced a few jobs and private sector jobs don't cost anything close to a quarter million dollars each to create.

Do the math again...$970,000,000,000.00 is enough money to give every single person in the country--legal and illegal--about $3000 each.

And that $9.7 with an 11 exponent behind it??? ...that's not the end of the spending either.

That's just the start of the spending, because much of it will not go away in a couple of years. It's going to become permanent programs and entitlements that will not only go on for years but will GROW into money losing monsters like Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid.


(cue the sounds of the crickets chirping...)


But you know what?

I'm starting to not worry in spite of what they end up doing because a couple of things came to me in the past couple of days that made me feel better.

First of all, there's nothing I can do except complain because the election was over last November and my side lost.

Second, the telephone is starting to ring here in my consulting office's opulent World Headquarters situated on the banks of the mighty Tennessee River. In less than two months of business I'm getting proposal requests and within another couple of months I expect to have business coming in.

You know what the government is going to do for me in the process?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, except come in with a gun and take 1/4 to 1/3 of whatever I manage to earn and use it to pay for this ill founded illness we call government "stimulus."

Just give my money to someone that's spent the last two months sitting around cheering for the process and waiting on their stimulus check.

Third, I don't believe that they would seriously be spending this kind of money if they didn't know what a large minority of the country already knows after living through Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, and Bush.

That is, that the economy is cyclic, it takes time to move, and whoever is in the Office of President is usually not responsible for whatever is going on in the economy--positive or negative--for the first two or three years in office...AND...

I say they know things are coming back regardless of what they do, so they're taking advantage of the achievers and producers for twenty years into the future by spending money on their constituents and if things really do improve the President and the Democrats will get the credit for getting things turned around.

They can't lose here, and if this "stimulus package" doesn't do it they'll just spin their eyes around in their heads, the media will join in with the clammoring unemployed masses, and they'll be back knocking on my door in 12 months looking for another trillion and a half dollars to throw down into the Abyss.

They know I and people like me can't afford to fail, and therefore we can't afford for them (the Congress and their brand of Socialism) to fail no matter how much I disagree with them and their policies.

No matter how much I hate having to work for three or four months each year--from January to April--just to pay taxes, here I sit this morning working on the couple of forensic projects I have and working on marketing my services to other companies.

I don't need the President and the Government, state and local, to do anything for me but get the hell out of my way and let me do business.

Do things like reducing or eliminating "incorporation fees" when starting a new business, or not having to pay "business license fees," "professional engineering registration fees," and having to spend a week of my time each year filling out ten pages of income tax forms?

Things like that is what I want in my "stimulus package," Mr. President.

You and your government, just go help somebody else.

Please?

Monday, February 09, 2009

Not Reading Drug Directions

Yields Unreliable Results...


I was all excited when I got this free sample in the mail last week aimed at middle aged men.

We went out, had dinner and a few drinks, then rushed home to try it out.

Well...I don't know if I should be telling this or not...but dang if this drug isn't intended to be taken orally.

Silly me...I thought it went in the other end, and see what happened...






(sorry...I just can't help poking fun at TV ads these days.)

Sunday, February 08, 2009

So "A-Rod" Took Steroids?

Does Anyone Else But Me Not Give A Crap?


Next thing we know the media will be telling us this guy sold the drugs to him...



What ever happened to "I'm strong to the finish...'cause I eats me spinach???"

I'm Starting A "Political Activist" Campaign

Anyone Care To Join Me?


So can anyone tell me if the FBI will come knocking at my door if I mail all 100 US Senators a pack of these?



Maybe I could start a campaign and get people in all 50 states to send their Congressmen a pack of Peanut butter crackers or some Reeses Cups.

I'd be willing to coordinate the effort from here if I knew that they wouldn't act the same way they do these days when someone mails out envelopes full of talcum powder or corn starch.

I did defy fate and buy a new jar of my beloved Peter Pan Peanut Butter yesterday. Some of you probably think that I'm crazy but if you've been paying attention the tainted product is only included in "processed foods"...not in the jar variety like was the case a couple of years ago when my brand (Peter Pan) disappeared from the shelves for a half a year.

In closing I'd like to remind everyone that in spite of the fact that the company which shipped the contaminated product is initially responsible, you can also blame your beloved Socialistic GOVERNMENT--through the FDA and the Department of Agriculture-- for not adequately carrying out their oversight and inspection roles.

We pay a zillion dollars a year in taxes and the US Congress takes the money that should be "earmarked" to fund food inspection at the source (in the fields and barns) and in the factory where it is processed and diverts it off into competing areas while stupid companies like this ship pureed rats and roaches to your schools for your kids to eat.

dammit...

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Amish Miracle Heaters

I Want A Guy With A Beard & A Funky Hat To Deliver Me A Fake Fireplace...


and while they're at it, maybe his young wife or teen daughter can teach me a "5 minute Abs" course in my living room...

Friday, February 06, 2009

If We're Going To Hell In A Bucket...

At Least CONGRESS Is Apparently Enjoying The Ride


The Senate trimmed $1.86 a few billion smackeroos out of the "Stimulus" package and passed it tonight.

Three idiot "moderate" Republicans-two from Maine and one from Massachusetts--crossed over to give them the 60 vote majority.

Next it goes back to committee to work out the details with the House.

I bet everyone who reads this a dollar of my "stimulus" payment that the final numbers meet or exceed the $900 billion plus cost they started out with Yesterday.

Dammit...

Silence Being Golden

You Don't EVEN Want To Hear What I'm Thinking About Our Government These Days...

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Liberals Love Passing New Taxes

As Long As They Don't Have To Pay Them...


Check out this 1980's campaign ad for Tom Daschle:




Hey Tom...not only is a "penny saved a penny earned...but it's worth about TWO CENTS at my house if I don't have to pay taxes on my transportation expenses..."

BTW...there's a news conference on right now talking about his resignation from consideration to the Secretary of Commerce position in the Obamarama White House.

So much for "transparency" and "Change"...I say its the same old bullshit from the usual sources--Democratic horse's asses.

(can you actually get "bullshit" from a horse's ass?)

Things I Didn't Know About All These New Designer Prescription Drugs

Then I Watched TV The Past Week...


I hate getting old and having to take pills every day.

I guess the worst part is having to put the aforementioned pills in a stupid plastic box with letters on it so I don't take a thousand milligrams of Coumadine and bleed to death with the rats in my yard down in Brunswick.

Seriously, I've never asked for a single drug (at least those in tablet form) in my entire life, so it freaks me out that the drug companies advertise on TV and in print ads so the general public--some people that can hardly get dressed in the morning and who's lives revolve around reality TV--can go to their so-called overpaid, over priced "health care providers" and ASK...or demand...a drug be delivered to solve some symptom or perceived inadequacy in their lives.

Got a smart active kid?

Medicate that little bastard with Ritalin so he'll set down and shut up asking questions.

Got a husband who knows more about weenies on the grill than in the bedroom?

Pfizer and your MD's got you covered.

Got babies squirting out every orifice of your body?

...ditto.

Know the names on the bathroom stall and the color of the wallpaper in every restaurant bathroom within a ten mile radius of your house?

...ahem...


The problem for me is, why would anyone voluntarily take any of these things when you read the fine print and the "CURE" causes stuff like they say happens to happen?

What could possibly be wrong with your body that would cause you to want to put up with things like:

Anal Seepage

Rectal Bleeding

Drug induced Impotence

Erections lasting longer than 4 hours (especially when you can't pay attention for five minutes)

High blood Pressure

Low Blood pressure

Glaucoma

Incontinence

Heart attack

Ventral fibrillation's

Over-pressure of the eyeball

Eyeball flying out of eye socket

Screeming heebejeebies

Thrashing your wife, children, and dog

Uncontrolled Urination

Defecation in Public or in Public places

Beating your local politicians with various large cuts of pork and beef

Running around your property Naked

Compulsive Gambling

Unusual sexual desires (things like having sex while holding a weedeater and a live chicken)


I think I'll just settle for dying a dignified death--hopefully after a brief illness--and leave the rest of you to fight over your stimulus checks and try to elect politicians that will pay their taxes on time and give everyone the "Universal Healthcare" that's inevitably coming our way.

...dammit

Monday, February 02, 2009

Confusing Headlines

Me & My Imagination Photoshop


The article headline says : US Seamen are being Trained to Fend Off Pirates (click to read)




I'm not sure that's such a good Idea or not...

Obscene Vista

Someone Send Up A Flare...


Well, I reluctantly let my computer wander all by itself out onto the Internet last night.

I told it to go to the Microsoft Website because I was tired of the machine crashing every 22 1/2 hours and otherwise unexpectedly rebooting in the middle of the night and sometimes at the worst possible moment before I hit the send button on a three page E-Mail.

So it did, and I waited like I was waiting for my sixteen year old daughter to come home from the senior prom.

Then it came back saying Mr. Gates was wanting to give us a bad dose of "Vista Service Pack 1."

Hummmmmm...I thought for a moment, then replied.

I said that I already had luggage, but it turns out this "Pack" wasn't actually of the "backpack" variety, and since God Bill Gates' company said we really needed it here in our house I reluctantly said go ahead and get it.

After all...IT'S FREE.

By the way, so's the Flu and several of Miss Pelosi's dreaded STD's, but this was supposed to be different.

It's an OFFICIAL MICROSOFT PRODUCT, by God.

So things proceeded to whirl and bang and clank and spin and vibrate for a while with unexpected messages popping up with progress bars and such, and I wandered around the house looking at yesterday's unread newspaper and FOX News and a couple of engineering texts I had laying around the office, then after a half hour and a couple of warm boots...

here I am again on the Internet this morning.

Just in case, I got out my Abacus and my stone tablets and chisels, and if you don't hear from me within the next 24 hours...

somebody please call 911...

Sunday, February 01, 2009

SUPER Bowl


Sorry...But I Think The President Is a Dangerous Idiot

Thus Why Should I Care What His Hallucination Vision Is?


Repeating the term “nonpartisan” on more than one occasion in describing the bill, the Speaker said her goal was to put President Obama’s vision on paper for the good of the country regardless of the type of support it garnered.

--Nancy Pelosi
(Head Bitch What Be In Charge...California)

Weekend Meditation

Chant Along With Me...


Mobach Bobama...Bobach...Mobama...Barach...Youmama...


(sorry if it seems like a bad example of attempted non-partisan patriotism...)

Where Education's Value Has Fallen To...

Super Bowl More Important Than Learning & Grades


In an effort to properly educate and raise the next generation of dumbass pro union Democratic voters, the Pittsburgh School systems will delay the opening of schools on Monday by two hours.

The Pittsburgh Public Schools will operate on a two-hour delay Monday because of the Super Bowl, Superintendent Mark Roosevelt said today.

Noting that Sunday's big game means a "late night," Mr. Roosevelt said the delay should cut down on student and staff absenteeism.

He said the district operated on a two-hour delay the day after the Steelers won the Super Bowl three years ago.

Continuing the "celebrity and sports hero worship" mentality, so called "educators" and "administrators are caving to dumbass parents and their booger eating video game cell phone toting instant messaging prodigy by changing the rules so discipline takes a back seat to watching a stupid sporting event.

I guess it's just a matter of time until every American city will have to put their police and fire departments on standby if there's any chance of any local team from little league to the pros winning anything considered a "big game" lest the population run out and burn entire neighborhoods like the "minority" populations of Detroit do after a Pistons NBA win.

Then what about the rioting in Europe over football soccer games?

What really bothers me is that the Pittsburgh school system really isn't accommodating the kids--its the so called ADULTS--the walking ovaries and sperm donors otherwise jokingly known as PARENTS, and the TEACHERS and other EMPLOYEES--that are the real problem.

Since the game starts at what...6:30 PM, why is it that after a 4 hour event the kids can't be counted on to get themselves to bed, awake in the morning, dressed and off to school at the usual time?

What kid over the age of two twelve actually has their head on a pillow before midnight five days a week these days?

Because they're all pablum eating, whining DUMBASSES...the variety today found sitting around waiting for the next government bailout and "stimulus" check.

BTW...I'll actually be happy if Pittsburgh wins, but Monday morning life goes on regardless of the outcome of the game (after 31 years of practice being a Georgia Tech fan) and I don't see being late for work or school as an option personally.

dammit...

Even Pond Scum Not Immune From Economic Downturn

LA Times Continues To Bleed...


LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Amidst parent Tribune Co.'s struggle to emerge from bankruptcy protection, the Los Angeles Times said Friday it is cutting 300 positions and will shrink the number of daily sections to four from five.


You can read more here:

http://biz.yahoo.com/ap/090130/na_us_tribune_la_times_cuts.html?.v=1