Neighborhood Nazi’s

At It Again


Just look at this stupid CRAP:

Garland Simmons was excited when the Cowboy Church began meeting at his place on Horseshoe Bend Road in late March.

It appears, however, that somebody did not share his enthusiasm. Simmons was notified by Bedford County officials that the Cowboy Church meetings violate county zoning regulations.

"I got the notice certified through the mail, Monday morning," Simmons said.

The notice consisted of two letters. One was from Gary McIver, the county's building official. McIver wrote that, by hosting the Cowboy Church on his property, Simmons is using it in a manner contrary to its agricultural (AR) zoning.

He also wrote that the building in which the Cowboy Church is being held, is defined as a farm building by the Virginia Uniform Statewide Building Code. The Cowboy Church constitutes a change of use for the building.

"We are all in agreement that this event is a worthy and admirable cause," McIver wrote.

However, he wrote that it is an unpermitted change of use for the property.

The other letter was from Lindsay Blankenship, a planner in the county's department of planning. It directs Simmons to "obtain the necessary permits for the establishment of a Religious Assembly" on the property by May 28.

Can you say “STUPID, IDIOTIC, EMBICILIC, MEDDLING MORONS?”

What ever happened to a man’s home being his castle (and his outhouse being a library or his barn being a church if he wants it to be)?

That tears it…I thought that I was through writing tonight, but the above story reminded me of my own situation that I hadn’t bothered to vent my spleen about here on the blog.

You see, we’ve got our own “Neighborhood Nazi” problems.

We live in a fairly nice condo complex with all of the obligatory covenants, rules, regulations, and limitations—some of which sometimes verge on insanity.

The thing is, you are supposed to know what the rules are when you move in and thus far we have managed to avoid the wrath of own “Neighborhood Nazis.”

Notice that I said “so far”?

Well, that all ended last Wednesday when I received a phone call from the owner of the Condo property management company. She said that she had received a complaint from one of my neighbors about the “red lights” that I had hanging inside around the perimeter of our screened sun room.

By “red lights” she was referring to the two new strings of parrot lights and pink flamingo lights that I had hung up a week or two ago in anticipation of celebrating Cinco de Mayo.

The manager tendered the call in a humorous fashion and didn’t demand that I actually had to remove the lights; she was just obligated to pass the complaint on to me because it was her job.

What is ironic about this situation is that I’m pretty damn sure that I know who complained, and said mean old bitter busybody hag the lovely woman sits on the board of directors with me and has been sparing with me over issues relating to the swimming pool for the past two years.

Did I mention that I’m the only non-owner that’s been asked to sit on the board of directors?

Did I mention that I’ve spent at least 40 hours of my time at no cost to the Condo Association writing specifications, attending board meetings, and meeting with contractors on site?

Did I mention that I just got through doing about 8 hours of work LAST WEEK at no cost to the Condo Association buying materials and managing their “Pool Fence Painting Project?”

Did I mention that this week I have spent another four hours studying metal roofing options for our Condo Complex and soliciting proposals for the installation of said metal roofing on said Condo Complex?

Did I mention that I had a couple of strings of white lights installed in the exact location for almost two years and received nothing but complements about their appearance?

Did I mention that, if the mean old spineless bitch or bastard the person that has a problem with my celebratory lighting will address me personally in a direct and polite manner, rather than calling the authorities on my ass, that I will consider removing the plastic parrot and pink flamingo covers from the lights—leaving an appearance exactly like we’ve all lived in harmony with for the past 26 months?

Did I mention that my “red lights” are still hanging up and will remain lit throughout my weekend visit to Savannah, and will only be turned out when a bulb fails or I find something costing less than $19.99 that I want to replace them with?

If they keep screwing around with me, I’m going to buy an entire flock of plastic pink flamingos to put in the front yard and buy an old VW bus and park it up on cinder bocks in the back yard and serve happy hour drinks in it.

I will win this one…just watch.