I Want To Be A Superhero

Just Call Me "Bitch Slap Man"


I just got of the telephone with Comcast. Their "retention" department.

My forehead has bulging veins and sweat running down it, and my blood pressure is probably somewhere near 200 over 150.

After I let the idiots in the "customer non-service department" charge me for an entire month of cable/Internet service that we didn't need because their records didn't reflect my demand that they cancel the service in my name over at the condo, I just learned that they were going to charge me for another month of service...

just for fun.

So I completed the THIRD CONVERSATION cancelling my service with them and made an Internet payment for another $16.37 for service from 9/8 until today, even as we pay an artificially elevated rate for the same service here in Pat's name because their inept customer service department screwed us when she signed up for new installation.

Either these people are completely and totally feckless and inept, else they're just plain liars and thieves on an institutional basis.

Maybe both descriptions are true.

I told Pat that if things don't settle down a little around here that she's going to end up visiting me in jail, and I'll be the one wearing an orange jumpsuit.

The charge?

Murder.

You see, during this move, in spite of two weeks of advance planning and communication, only one thing worked out as planned--that being the transition on the county water system.

The power company, the cable/Internet company, two moving companies, Renter's Insurance, Flood Insurance, the local telephone company, and our ex-landlord all managed to cost me money one way or the other.

Over three hundred dollars worth of unused, un-needed, and unnecessary crap to date...and without fail, instead of a "so sorry," all we get is a "you're shit out of luck" attitude.

Pay us right now or else we're calling Equifax and Experian.

Taking a big breath...

Now that I've calmed down a little, I suggest that I would probably be more likely to act in a manner that would allow pleading to a reduced charge.

The charge of spontaneous "bitch slapping" people in the public defense would be a possibility.

Yeah, that's the ticket...I could grow arms like the Rubber Man or Professor Gadget so that I can fling my hands outwards something like twenty feet...then I'd just walk around doing my regular thing and when I see someone acting up or taking advantage of another innocent consumer I would take aim and sling my arm at a high velocity in their direction and...

POW!!!

Right up side the head it would land (my hand...that is...)

When the dust settled, they'd be lying on the ground quivering and drooling on themselves, possibly having soiled their pants in the process.

Then they'd wake up and go home with their tail between their legs, put on some clean underwear, and think twice the next time they're sitting at their desk at work being a moron and not doing their job, in the process costing me dozens of dollars which I have to pay as ransom if I don't want them to screw up my credit or have the Repo-Man knocking on my door.

Other than that, everything is just peachy around here.

Dammit...