Pseudo-Fancy Hotels, Three Dollar Bagles, And Other Stuff

Georgia Here We Come...


Have I mentioned that I consider myself to be somewhat of an experienced traveler?

Well...I am.

That said, these days I am also a PRACTICAL traveler since I've been around some of the world and spent longer than just a few nights here and a couple of nights there.

Thinking back, I've probably spent the better part of four years of my 48 year long life sleeping in motels and hotels of various descriptions, not to mention the occasional Bed and Breakfast and some Condo's and rental Beach houses in Florida and South Carolina.

Today I truly believe that I've seen it all.

For instance, on a whim back in the 1990's when I was on my way to being rich and famous (in my mind) I once payed to stay a night in the "Presidential Suite" of a Hyatt Regency--a space the size of a small house that had a living room with a baby grand piano and up to three separate bedrooms on two floors.

Since I hadn't gained much weight then, I only bought one bedroom, but it's bathroom was the size of the average Holiday Inn room. You could have played basketball in that place.

Only trouble was, the idiots running the hotel apparently hated to have to actually prepare their expensive room for a guest or guests staying but a single night, and as a result when we arrived we found clean linens and bath, but the living space dusty, dead flowers in various vases spread around the space, and left over sticky cocktail glass circles on the piano and bar cabinetry.

No problem...a quick polite comment down at the front desk on our way out for drinks and dinner would certainly remedy the situation.

WRONG.

When we arrived back later (and I mean later) that evening, NOTHING had changed.

Needless to say when I called the front desk I was less than gracious, but even then the manager on duty seemed to feel the need to treat me like a "dog turd found floating in the soiree punch bowl", apparently because I had paid cash and only wanted one night's usage of his expensive property.

I don't know who he thought I was since I didn't bring a tuxedo. I don't know what he thought was going on in my room for one night (which was none of his business by the way), but I thought it reasonable that the imbecile could at least provide the room as advertised since I paid full price and the last time I checked CASH was still legal tender in most of the United By God States of America.

Any way, shortly he arrived at my door in a huff to personally remove the plants. He then reported that the house keeping staff had all gone home and the earliest he could have the balance of my objections remedied would be after 9 AM the next day.

Checkout was of course at 10 AM, and as a result I've never set foot in another Hyatt Regency in the past 13 years.

I wanted to wipe up the dust and stains with his shirt collar, but I resisted since I found dusty piano filled accommodations to be vastly superior to a free night in the local jail.

While I'm thinking about it, I have a similar story about Pontiac automobiles...but I digress.

The thing that is currently pissing me off is when a hotel "Franchisee" decides to take what is normally a friendly, reliable name brand and tarnish the image with petty BS like excessive charges for things that are normally free.

The place we're staying here in Knoxville is a good example.

Let's call them Brand xxx "Select" (I'll let you guess the "Inn" name), but apparently the only thing "select" about them that I've found is that after taking $149 plus tax per night and $50 in the form a non-refundable pet deposit for two nights in a "pet friendly" room, that they then "select" to put you and your "pet" on a floor with only ten rooms, in the basement, adjacent to the boiler room, laundry, and employee lounge housekeeping.

Then they force you to buy even the most meager of snacks out of the gift shop or restaurant.

Ice is free, but there are only over priced soda machines on each floor, no snacks...got to go to the lobby gift shop and pay $2 for that--IF they're open (which they're not right now at 3 AM.)

And another thing.

Not only do they not want you and your "pet" walking through the common interior spaces of their "Select Inn" on your "Holiday", but you also have to put up with the constant din of the employees hooting and hollering in the hallway outside your room and some sort of contractors rumbling around with various forms of power tools, materials, and demolition debris.

In my opinion, any reputable manager would have closed off this entire short basement floor for the duration of the work and put their "guests" and their "pet" in a room on another floor of the partially occupied hotel.

To be fair, I have to mention that there has been the slight advantage of not having to ride the elevator to take Missy the Turbo Pup outside, but still...

I originally wasn't going to let things get to me, but this morning when I went downstairs to grab some coffee and a snack before my meeting, I found that my only options were:

A) A lovely $9.00 Breakfast Buffet (but I'm not that hungry)

B) Gift Shop Cheetos (but I don't want to get that much fatter)

C) A Bagel and a little plastic tin of Cream Cheese off the Restaurant a la cart menu

Being the light eater and frugal traveler that I am, I chose option "C", but then after retrieving my bagel myself from the aforementioned "lovely $9.00 Breakfast Buffet" display of pastries and cereal, the cash register and the woman operating it had the audacity to charge me THREE DOLLARS.

THREE DOLLARS for a dry bagel that I was in too much of a hurry to heat in the self serve toaster, a little tin of cream cheese, and no plastic knife with which to smear my bagel (or stab myself in the eye.)

Recovering from my "Sticker Shock" and taking charge of the situation, I still managed to have a good meeting after smearing the cream cheese with the handle of a spoon that I stole from the cereal bar and eating only half of my THREE DOLLAR Bagel.

Then there were the "Coupons" provided with a smile at the front desk to all of us "frequent travelers."

All I have to say is that you would have to have or otherwise be a NY lawyer to read and interpret the fine print on their "Free Breakfast", "Complementary Drink" and or "$5 off" coupons.

Last night since it was raining and we didn't want to go out, we finally managed to use one at dinner, but I hurt myself running back to retrieve the little package of paper and my glasses so I could avoid embarrassment caused by tendering the wrong "Coupon."

Just to get even, I'm tempted to go down this morning to the restaurant with the "Free Breakfast" Coupon, load up a couple of plates of food and toss a bagel on top of the pile, then walk out with my bagel, little plastic tin of cream cheese, and one of their fake silver knives.

That will teach them...

Now it's on to Atlanta to look at some exploded metal, eat at some favorite restaurants, and visit with some old friends.