I Need A Lawn Comb Over?

Bosley Hair Systems To The Rescue


As a young man, there was a time when I was what our home builder called a "yard queer."

You know, one of those guys that comes home in a suit after work and stops to pull the single weed by the sidewalk that popped up into view over night?

I had the $2000 (in late 1980's dollars) Snapper Rear Engine riding mower WITH the high lift deck and the front mount dethatcher. I shared ownership in a giant water filled drum type aerator, and I spent all of time when I wasn't at work or at the lake water skiing staggering around the yard pushing a spreader full of lime or fertilizer or fungicide when I wasn't mowing two days a week.

My male friends and neighbors secretly hated me because their own wives/girlfriends demanded they achieve similar results, but since they only wanted to work a couple days a month the outcome was obvious.

They stopped handing out the yard of the month award and I'd have retired it to my office if a murderous mob of beleaguered "lawn wimps" bearing torches hadn't threatened to burn an old push mower in effigy on my front lawn if I kept gloating.

My divorce allowed my exit from the situation years later, and I enjoyed watching the decline of the grounds in my absence.

Things are pretty different today. After living in a condo and watching our beloved lawn guy "Ozzie" work five days a week on the little 48 unit property, I found myself moving into a rental house with a small front and rear fenced yard that had obviously suffered under the neglect of twenty years of renters and by default "non-yard queer" type personalities.

The strange thing is that while I've managed to toss out a few dozen bails of pine straw and do some substantial pruning and raking, when you pull the weeds there's hardly enough grass to mow.

Last night another late night TV commercial got me to thinking about the possibility of installing a synthetic lawn in a fashion similar to the "hair replacement systems" offered to men frightened by the prospect of God having a sense of humor and giving them a reason to wear a hat in the sun. This situation strikes at least half the male population sometime between the ages of 18 and 98, so I don't understand what the the big deal is once you accept the situation.

(I am proud to say that I am one of those "follicular deficient" individuals that just doesn't give a damn, thus the tone I'm taking here in this discussion.)

Yeah, yeah, yeah...Eyes and Minds off of my Head and back to my lawn...

(and don't get started talking about hair on backs)

I already know about AstroTurf, but man does it ever look fake.

I guess you could call it something closer to a "Lawn Toupee" rather than a real "lawn replacement system", right?

Maybe the closest current thing going that's a "hair replacement system" for your yard would be sod, but everybody already knows about that also.

I'm not advancing science here by installing sod, and think of the cost.

No, what I want is some kind of synthetic fiber which they stick into the ground...something similar to "hair plugs" and that looks like individual blades of grass, but doesn't actually grow so I don't have to mow it.

Also, since the government water Nazi's have even put water restrictions on people like us that are surrounded with water and can't dig a hole two feet deep without hitting a gusher, with a "lawn replacement system" I wouldn't have to worry about getting up at 3AM on my weekly allotted "outdoor water usage day" to run around with a garden hose and sprinkler.

That would be a real benefit, wouldn't it?

Gee, I really think that I'm on to something here folks, and if the guys over at Bosley or the Hair Club for Men would do some work in their boiler rooms labs and get back with me, I'd consider having their prototype "lawn replacement system" installed not only in my yard, but also on my head.

Think of it, even at the risk of looking like a Chia-Thug, with the green sprigs sticking out of my ever greying, formerly ever balding head, I'd also have the proper look to start a Punk Rock band and be lead Harmonica player and back up vocalist.

Then again...maybe not...