A Nice Big Steaming Pile

Blogging Reruns...


I wrote this little ditty about a year ago, and my friend Wayne's concern over his little dogs going into a neighbor's yard to "do their business" this evening reminded me of my earlier ranting...

Here it is presented again...slightly edited, for your enjoyment.


Back in the late 1980's early 1990's, I had a really nice yard at my house in Marietta, Georgia.

Being a self committed yard nerd and totally into enjoying manual labor induced muscle pain, I used to spend a couple of afternoons each week and at least one weekend day doing my “yard thing.”

Mowing, aerating, pruning, planting, spreading lime, pre-emergent weed killer, fertilizer—you name it, I had a piece of equipment to accomplish the task and I did it religiously and my efforts showed in the quality of my lawn.

I’m also happen to be a cat person.

I've had a dog a few times before a long time ago when I was a kid, and I’ll have one again--when and if I move back to the farm in Alabama or buy a parcel of land larger than a postage stamp.

My problem is that I like big dogs like Rottweilers and I don’t believe in torturing a good yard dog by keeping them in the house.

Any hooooo...

Our next door neighbors in Marietta had five dogs and a small herd of cats, and a fenced back yard to keep the larger mongrels in. They also had this one little furry mixed breed beast that was an inside pet, except when he needed to visit the toilet late at night.

Then they let him go out the front door of their house unescorted, where he proceeded to walk down their driveway to the street, barked a few times at no one and nothing in particular, turned left and wandered into MY yard to do his business.

It took me a while to figure out what the yellow spots were in my grass because the owners were apparently poop-scooping the poop on a clandestine basis, but the little bastard’s urine must have had a PH of 0.1 because he could kill a 12” circle of grass with one little squirt.

It was driving me crazy because back then I had a real job and had to keep 9 to 5 hours and the sins were committed at 2:00 AM most of the time.

I thought about buying a black ski mask and hiding in the bushes, but instead I settled for quiting my job and beginning the early training required to become the night owl that I am today.

The little mutt's barking was ultimately his downfall because, once I figured out who (or what) was responsible for violating my lawn, I started staking him out with my BB gun, powered by about three or four pumps.

Don't go out calling PETA or the Humane Society here. There wasn't enough power behind the BB to cause injury and leave evidence, but let me tell you...

I could make that little 12 pound mutt do a triple axel figure skate jump or a quadruple somersault and leave my yard with amazing speed with one single shot.

That said, we now live in a very nice area here on St. Simons Island.

Not the best—that’s down at the Island Club or over on Sea Island—but the houses around our condo complex sell from the mid $300K range up to over half a million dollars each.

Although the yards are typically tropical in nature with lots of pine islands and flower beds, EVERYONE has a landscape company do their lawns and the places each look like a botanical garden most of the time.

Which brings me to my point.

Why the hell do all of these snooty homeowners take their $1000 dogs out for a walk to pee and crap all over their neighbors’ curbs, grass, and mailboxes?

Is it a mutual thing?

“Your dog does my yard and my dog does your yard,” or something?

Really, there is a daily parade of fancy dogs ambling along the streets with their owners mindlessly allowing them to ravage an area within ten feet of the curb.

And another thing...

What if I decide to buy a house in the neighborhood?

What do I do if I don’t own a dog and I am not able to reciprocate in the "Mutual Urination and Defecation ASSociation?

Can I eat a few bowls of chili Friday night, drink a six pack of beer, toss on a big ole poncho, grab the newspaper, and wander over into my neighbor’s yard to squat down and take my evening constitutional?

On Saturday morning can I drink a half pot of Café du Monde coffee, toss down a few donuts, and scramble by my neighbors place for a little “business in the bushes?”

If no one sees me, so I’m not charged with public indecency, is leaving a big steaming pile on the front lawn against the law?

Just wondering.

If Fido can, why can’t I?