Beating A Dead Horse

116 Still Dead Today…

I’m sorry ladies and gentlemen, but the media’s fascination with the West Virginia Coal mine disaster that occurred this past week still causes me to twitch and spasm when I accidentally, yet incessantly run across some STUPID ASSED NEWS STORY lamenting the horrible last hours of these desperate men that had no choice but to risk their lives to earn a living because the Bush Administration and the Republicans and Libertarians like me want people to die so that WE don’t have to pay taxes and WE are otherwise just generally insensitive to the obvious suffering of our fellow men, women, and children…

…taking a big breath…(that was supposed to be a run-on sentence)

I have a news headline that I would like to announce:

LIFE (can be) A BITCH—THEN YOU (have the God given right to) DIE.

…inhaling again…

Based on the media’s take on this story, every single day I should write my final farewell to my dear Mother, my girlfriend Pat, and the world in general.

Here is what I would write.

Dear Mom, Pat, Friends, Benefactors, Fiduciaries, et. al.:

“Sorry folks, but today I have, with great consternation, to take my mortal life and spiritual soul into my own hands as I exit my domicile to operate a twenty five hundred pound collection of mechanical parts (all supplied by the low bidder to Ford Motor Company, Inc.—in other words...my automobile) on my way to purchase twenty dollars worth of groceries, including things like pre-processed cheese food products (Velveeta Cheese) and possibly some coagulated, industrially mutilated corn by-product, also know as “chips.”

Since the government, via the FDA, the FDIC, and the USDA have approved the food production process, and since Ralph Nader and the other self proclaimed “consumer busybodies” have declared my twenty five hundred pound collection of mechanical parts (my automobile) to be a safe conveyance,

AND...

IF I DIE BEFORE I RETURN HOME…

Please feel free to call FOX News and CNN, and ABC and CBS and NBC on my behalf and rattle and prattle endlessly on and on about the other so called “disasters” or “human tragedies” because, besides my own mortal fatality, another 115 Americans were probably killed this day in automobile accidents.

And By the Way...I Love you all.

Where is THAT headline--where is THAT situation mentioned in the news--every single day?

Nowhere? Never?

Well...It happens people, we will kill on average 116 people every day in this country in automobile accidients.

Please slow yourself and your conveyance down, turn on your turn signals, and stop being an asshole when you are behind the wheel.

(Those of you that are courteous drivers can ignore my last sentence.)