Amendment Schmendment

Regarding the proposed constitutional amendment to outlaw burning or otherwise desecrating the American Flag, I'd like you to consider the following points.

First, it is important that you understand that my family and I are probably more patriotic than nine out of ten people you’ll find wandering around a football stadium before kickoff.

I know the words to the Pledge of Allegiance, the lyrics to the National Anthem, I was a member of the Boy Scouts, served time in the Navy, and I know how to fold and handle a flag. I own one of the flags that flew here on St. Simons during the 2004 G-8 Summit when President Bush and Tony Blair attended the meetings across the marsh from our home.

My mother flies an American flag at her home almost every day of the year and when her flags become faded, tattered, and worn, she saves them and respectfully burns them in a manner reminiscent of that described by our founding fathers.

Having said all of that, regarding the illegality of “flag desecration” I still have to ask:

Where would you have government power stop?

I mean, if it's my flag, why can’t I burn it? If it’s my Koran, why shouldn’t the government allow me to flush it down the toilet? If it’s my bible, can the government force me to honor my father and mother or not covet my neighbors’ ass?

Evil Kinevil rode motorcycles in a Elvis-like jumpsuit adorned by the American flag. I’ll admit that I found his attire to be in poor taste, but I do not believe that he was committing a felony.

Get my point here?

No? Well let me elaborate further.

Say I go out to Wall Mart and buy some paper, some white cloth, and an authentic pre-manufactured American Flag.

I finish my shopping trip and bring my purchases home, spending the afternoon drawing several dozen accurate copies of the American Flag on my paper and dying my cloth to resemble a large copy of the American Flag. I then lose my mind and I privately burn all twenty-six copies—including the “real” flag I purchased—in a fit of rage and hate protesting our country’s involvement in the United Nations.

Should my actions cause me to face spending time in jail or otherwise risk punitive legal consequences?

What about if I brought my flag and my home-made flag copies over to a neighbor’s cookout and burned them up on the grill in front of ten guests? Should doing my flag burning in public result in San Quinton time for me?

Should the police be able to come to my house and, upon finding a flag laying on the ground in my back yard, arrest me and haul me off to the slammer? What about finding the charred remains of a flag in my fireplace that I burned while chanting “George Bush has large, funny shaped ears?”

Do you understand now?

The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that "this land isn’t my land," and now the US Congress wants to tell me that “this flag isn’t my flag.”

I’m sorry, but if I want to be a boorish pig and burn my flags and flush my Korans, or wish to risk the lightening bolt that will surely follow any abuse of the Bible, it’s between me, my God, and my conscience—and my government needs to just BUTT THE HELL OUT OF MY BUSINESS.