Saturday, December 17, 2005

Parking Lot Etiquette

The Privileged Few…

Say that you’ve managed to live a few hundred years (ok, sixty or seventy years) and you come down here to St. Simons to visit a couple of times each year.

We (the "locals") realize that you think that you’ve got special privileges.

Better yet, maybe you’re fortunate enough to actually own a place on East Beach or Sea Island and you just know that you’re head and shoulders more important that the rest of all the unwashed masses that visit on vacation or rent a condo year round like we do.

You’ve got extra special privileges too—privileges relating to ignoring the rules of common driving courtesy. And especially when it comes to driving your $80,000 car around in places like the grocery store parking lot, a place that I frequent three or four times a week.

Based on my observations over the past 21 months here on St. Simons Island, I proudly present for your review the following:

The Wealthy, Pompus, Arrogant Old Geezer’s & Gezerette’s Bill of Driving & Parking Rights

1. When entering a crowded parking lot and not finding an available space in the first five seconds, feel free to park in the fire lane next to the curb. Who cares if you left your temporary handicapped pass on the mirror of your Escalade. Your BMW doesn’t take up too much room and people can just drive around you when they see your emergency flashers. (Causing a twenty minute traffic jam in front of the store due to the cramped layout of the parking lot is no reason to get a clue and move while your passenger does your shopping.)

2. When driving up a one way parking lane in the opposite direction, feel free to execute a three point U-turn to take a space that I’ve been waiting on for three minutes while one of your fellow geezers/gezeretts fiddles with their spare tire and rear view mirrors. Also don’t worry if your three point U-turn turns out to require eight or ten cycles of two foot zigzags to complete. After all, you’ve earned the right to make OTHER PEOPLE WAIT on you at your advanced age, high income, and superior social status.

3. When I’m walking through the parking lot, don’t bother yourself with slowing down below 35 MPH or pausing if I’m already half way across the lane in front of you. Again, with your advanced age, far be it for me to cause your waste a single minute of your limited remaining time here on God’s green planet, and besides--I really need the exercise gained doing ten yard wind sprints and the high jump over your Lexus’ fender.

4. When you’ve parked your car (following rules 1 thru 3 above), realize that when walking into the store you also have very special rights. For instance, what you don’t see can’t possibly hurt you. To this end, you can do things like walking slowly down the middle of the parking isle, pausing to greet every single stranger like they are your long lost college roommate. Have a five minute conversation if you want to, I'll wait.

5. Once you’ve finished your shopping (extending all of your special privileges to the inside of the grocery store and the manner in which you push your shopping cart) upon exiting the store you can also do things like step off of the curb inches in front of my bumper and not be injured…as long as you look straight ahead or turn your head and look back over your shoulder to converse with another shopper as you enter the roadway. Remember—what you don’t see can’t hurt you.

6. And finally, upon completing your privileged shopping experience, don’t bother troubling yourself with insignificant things like returning your shopping cart to the storage racks convienently located every 75 feet throughout the parking lot. Just leave that rusty wire cart leaning against the driver’s door or the front bumper of my ten year old paid for Suburban where it’s out of your way. God forbid you should waste your energy on the extra steps it would take to stow the cart or that the cart should ding the paint on your pride and joy that you're leasing for two years at $139 a month with $8000 down for qualified buyers.

That’s about it…Any Questions?

Friday, December 16, 2005

Custom Christmas Cards

I did a series of cartoons a couple of years ago on Pat's Casio Personal organizer as a joke for her at Christmas. I was copying original art I found on the internet, but I did all of the sketches freehand using a stylus on the little tiny screen of her organizer.

I've downloaded them into PhotoShop, done a little clean up, made some adjustments, and my friends and family will be getting something that looks like this in the mail shortly...

























Look Out...They're Coming...

Like a herd of Turtles...

I’ve Had It Right Up To Here

Pointing To The Top Of My Head…

Call me petty.

Call me Crass.

Call me a racist.

Call me an ASS.

What I want to know is—what the heck is going on these days with the idea of naming everything in sight for people like Martin Luther King or every other minor politician and so called “civic leader”?

Bridges, roads, football stadiums—you name it—there is someone out there lobbying to stick the name of someone “famous” on it. The latest victim of the “name game” is the “Governator”—you know...California governor Arnold Schwarznegger?

Apparently there is a football stadium in Graz Austria named for Arnold. It also seems like the local yokels, the powers what be, there in the Alps are pissed off that Arnold didn’t save the miserable hide of gang-banger Tookie Williams this week.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Football Stadium in Austria's second-largest city Graz is to be renamed as a sign of displeasure with the city's most famous son,.

A majority of members on Graz City Council voted to rename the stadium after the Austrian-born governor of California approved the execution of Stanley "Tookie" Williams, according to newspaper Kleine Zeitung.

“It's getting on our nerves that we're again and again being criticised for Schwarzenegger's actions in California," said SP Vice Mayor Welter Ferk.

Well, I think that Vice Mayor Ferk is a jerk. I also think that Arnold should tell them to take a hike. After all, it’s not Arnold’s stadium, and if the people that own the stadium want to rename it for Don King or Michael Moore or Jesse Jackson, I say that they should have at it.

Knock themselves out if they will. Change the name on a daily basis.

Name it the Barbara Streisand/Nanci Pelosi Liberal Blowhard Pigskin Complex for all I care.

Meanwhile, back here in the good old USA you’ll be hard pressed to not find a road in every single town named for Dr. King. Did you ever pay attention to how that happened back in the 1970’s and 1980’s?

Generally they didn’t build a new road and name it "M. L. King", they just took a vote in the local city council and changed the name of an existing road. For every road with Reverend King’s name on it, many times there is another individual’s or another family’s name that was removed in the process. Many times the contribution of land and right-of-way for the original construction of the road is erased in the renaming process.

My own family has suffered exactly that injustice. Drive down to Elba, Alabama and look for “Taylor Mill Road” in downtown, if you will.

You’ll be driving around for a while because it’s not there anymore. Today that road is called ML King Boulevard. Why they call it a “Boulevard” rather than a road or street I’ll never know—it was always a “road” when it was named for my mother’s mother’s family back in the early 1900’s. A mile or two out of town the name changes back to Taylor Mill Road as it winds past the country club and the site of the old Taylor Grist Mill.

How easily memory’s fade and politicians trample over the landmarks respecting citizens that made substantial contributions to their community in their day. My grandfather lived to see the dirt road running through his property paved by the State of Alabama in the 1970’s. He donated all of the right-of-way to the state, and it is identified on maps as county road 97, and also known as John Rushing Road.

I’m wondering if my family would be willing to let the politicians name our Grandpa’s road for Governor Schwarznegger for one week each year as a consolation prize?

It seems like a good idea to me…

Useless Information

My blog reading and writing has suffered this week for a variety of reasons—some technical and some organic. Among the organic reasons is our brisk social calendar that began with opening night for “A Christmas Carol” last Friday and continuing through a series of seasonal parties almost every evening.

Tonight was the first night we got to stay home in nearly a week, so we celebrated by sitting around in our pajamas and consuming half a dish of stuffed cabbage rolls that Pat and I threw together for the first time as tag-team cooks.

On the technical front, the Mustang is spending the night in the shop, but we’ve been reassured that the idle problem was a minor glitch that could be repaired for less than $100.

The wireless network “issues” are still driving me crazy, and my notebook still refuses to connect to the internet although it can see the local area network. I’ll be darned if I can figure out what I did to cause such problems.

I looking at buying a bigger hammer…

I’m so delinquent with my reading that I didn’t realize that my blog buddy Rich over at Blind Chick Racing had tagged me with a “Meme” called “Useless Information.”

In order to show a little respect to Rich and not upset Glen Reynolds and the other blog gods over at Pajamas Media, I feel obligated to follow suit—so here goes:

Here are ten things about me that will have no impact on the world whatsoever:

1. I am the proud owner of 18 harmonicas, tuned in 11 different keys (A,B, Bb, C,D,E,F, low G, high G, A minor, and E minor) and I can play 17 of them quite well.

2. The chromatic C harp that was given to me by my lawyer friend Chuck Camp (Chuck died of heart problems in 2000) is over 40 years old and it still escapes my ability to master it. Someone call John Popper or Lee Oscar…

3. I’ve only owned seven cars in my 31 years of driving—a 1974 Honda Civic, 1977 Chevy Camaro, a 1972 Audi Fox, a 1984 Chevy Blazer, a 1984 Pontiac Fiero (don’t EVEN get me started complaining about that car,) a 1989 Nissan Maxima, and my 1995 Chevy Suburban that has over 181K miles on it today. I like to drive my cars until the wheels fall off, and none were ever totaled in an accident.

4. I’ve had a number of speeding tickets in my day when I was young and stupid, but I haven’t gotten a speeding ticket since 1993 and I haven’t had an auto accident since 1985.

5. I can take a pile of balsa wood, some tissue paper, and twenty feet of ¼ rubber band and build a model airplane that will take off and fly out of sight. No kit, no drawings, just a sharp knife and some super glue. I could do it when I was ten years old also.

6. I’ve climbed into the cockpit of a Cessna 152 and flown around for a couple of hours by myself. “Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man…LANDING is the first.”

7. I’ve never jumped out of a perfectly good airplane (skydiving). I learned how to fly so that I could stay safely inside and LAND the dang thing if I needed to.

8. I’ve captained a 21’ boat on a fishing expedition 18 miles offshore into the Gulf of Mexico and returned to the same marina hours later, much to the surprise of my girlfriend Pat.

9. I’ve flown to the Bahamas in a 1948 Grumman Mallard seaplane, landing and taking off on the water.

10. On that same Bahamas trip I made two dives in the “Shark Dive Rodeo.” In this event, they feed the sharks a giant square block of frozen fish parts suspended between a buoy and an anchor on the bottom in the sand. Picture 150 sharks and 70 divers hanging out in close proximity. No one got bit, and I have the video tape to prove that I was there.

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen…

Ten things about me that have absolutely no impact on anybody, anywhere, any time.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled program already in progress…

Thursday, December 15, 2005

All I Want For Christmas...

Is For Everything To Work...


Now, in addition to computer network problems, I find that Pat's Mustang won't idle.

Am I cursed or a jinx or what?

The engine starts and runs as long as I keep my foot on the gas pedal, but if I take my foot off the pedal--it dies. I'm hoping that it is a sensor problem with the fuel injection system that can be fixed with the appropriate $70 diagnostic fee. I'm stuck trying to decide between the independent mechanics over at "Island Automotive" and limping across the causeway to the Ford dealer.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Torture Continues

Why can't I just enjoy the holidays like everybody else does?

We got to go to the Blackwater party last night and had a GREAT time with a "who's who" list of locals--good food, lots of drinks, and we already knew dozens of people and met dozens more.

My friend Kim, the singer, was doing a few numbers with the band hired to play out on the deck and she invited me and my C harp up on stage to do "Stormy Monday" and a couple of other blues songs for the appreciative crowd. The harmonica wins friends faster than any instrument I've ever played.

When I got home, MY computer still refused to connect to the internet through the wireless network. Then this morning Pat's computer crapped out, but it turned out to be a problem with Adelphia. I'm so paranoid I can barely touch a keyboard or a mouse without worrying about it blowing up in my face.

Anyway--I still have a one computer network right now and I have no idea what to do to remedy the problem but reinstall the whole system tonight after hours...

If you never hear from me again--you'll know what happened...

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

I Need An Exorcist (Or A Witch Doctor)


Blogging is still light, and here's the deal...

I went downstairs about 10:00 this morning to finish installing a 802.11G connection for my friend "Bucky" (Dartmouth class of 1942) so he can start using our wireless network and dump his slow dial-up crap.

He's been paying AOL 22 bucks a month to log on twice a week to check e-mail and look at a few stock prices, and we already have the connection and his family provided the adapter and I THOUGHT that I could add an additional PC to our WEP encrypted wireless system in about 15 minutes.

I was wrong, Wrong, WRong WROng, WRONg, WRONG.

In addition to forgeting how to "clone" our MAC address, for some reason, now MY notebook won't access the internet (it still connects to the wireless network) and Pat's wireless mouse decided to take a vacation while she was on a two hour conference call this afternoon. I had to run in and connect a USB mouse to get her through the balance of the meeting.

I'm ready to throw the whole pile of electronics into the lake beside the 18th fareway and go back to writing paper letters and reading the newspaper, but instead I think I'll let myself cool off while we attend a party hosted by the owners of Blackwater Grill.

A little food, a few cocktails, maybe some wine...then I'll bring my lugwrench inside and pound a little sense into these dang infernal machines.

Wish me luck...

Light Posting

One loaf of Banana bread (baked)…plus

One Christmas tree (bought)…plus

One Christmas wreath (hand made)…plus

Dinner for five (chicken piccata)…plus

A normal night’s sleep…equals…

No blogging on Monday.

I’ll try to do better today (Tuesday.)

Sunday, December 11, 2005

More Anonymous Comments

Raising Their Dander...

I always respond to stuff like this publicly. An anonymous (they never use their name when they can't write) commenter said:

"why don't you put your patriotism where your mouth is and go enlist?

our military needs the help, and you are just the god-fearing, applepie eating, super patriot they need to help win the war on terror.

btw, osama ain't in iraq.

f**king republicans.

jeesh"


(Another dead giveaway is the failure to use capital letters--it probably took them a half hour to peck this out with two fingers--at least they can spell)

My answer: I did enlist voluntarily in 1977 in the Navy reserve and served active duty time in the Phillipines on a helicopter carrier, before medical problems ended my aspirations to be a fighter pilot so that I could bomb the ass off of our enemies.

I was subject to being called up for active duty until I was 35 years old, and I would have gone without reservation if they had called me.

At the age of 46, and suffering from a number of medical problems that have taken away my private pilots license among other things I used to do, the military would not take me if I asked them.

I do like apple pie (I bake my own), I do fear God, but you're wrong--I'm just a regular patriot--not a "Super Patriot."

Regarding my political affiliation--I'm a Libertarian that chooses to vote Republican, and I've never once stated that I believe that Osama is in Iraq.

Anything else you want to know?

Richard Pryor's Dead...The Democrats Are Fading

Which Way Is Up??



I was sitting here yesterday afternoon reading a reader comment about Sam Kinnison (referencing channeling my "inner Sam Kinnison") when my girlfriend Pat entered the room and told me that the TV news was reporting that Richard Pryor had died at the age of 65.

I had to pause for a moment.

Richard Pryor wasn't 100 pounds overweight like John Candy



was when he died at the age of 44 in 1994, but he did share a taste for drugs like John Belushi



who's been dead for 23 years now, since 1982...damn I feel OLD.

Richard had a foul mouth for his day and a generally vulgar delivery, but in the proper context the man was a hysterical genius. "What's wrong with your leg..." and stories about his pet monkey and the Doberman dogs will forever be etched in my mind.

Richard survived drugs and life in general, but Multiple Schlerosis finally got him...

RIP Mr. Pryor.

Once I got over that shock, what I found that is even more depressing is this CRAP reported on Drudge Report.

Today, Senator Daniel Inouye, the Ranking Member of the Defense Appropriations Subcommittee and a recipient of the Medal of Honor for his service in World War II, released the following statement:"

As a Veteran of World War II, I know what it's like to fight a war and put your life on the line every day. I also know what it takes to win a war, and I know that politics and an attack machine like the President's plays no part in it.

"The Republican Party's latest ad is a shameful and disgusting attempt to distract the American people from the problems in Iraq. It may improve the President's political fortunes, but the American people and our troops will pay the price. I hope that President Bush realizes how shameful it is to play politics when what we really need is leadership, and that he will direct his Party to take down this ad immediately."

Excuse me Senate Inouye, but just because you are a veteran--something we all respect and appreciate, doesn't mean that you have a CLUE. You live in Hawaii for God's sake...

Further, I have a whole bushel basket of CLUES for sale, IF you want one.

Let me quote Inouye again: "It may improve the President's political fortunes, but the American people and our troops will pay the price."

Say what?

Is this doddering idiot serious?

This partisan moron (decorated veteran aside) is actually publicly worrying about political gain at the expense of the troops?

Really?

Well then I would like to ask Senator Inouye a question:

WHAT THE HELL HAS HOWARD DEAN, TED KENNEDY, HARRY REID, NANCY PELOSI, ET.AL.--NOT TO MENTION THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA--BEEN DOING SINCE SHORTLY AFTER WE ENTERED IRAQ IN 2003?

Holding pep rallys?

Look at the ad for yourself on the GOP Website if you will. I've seen it, and unlike the Democrats and the mainstream media's daily take on Iraq, all the ad does is quote verbatim Howard Dean's and the balance of the Democratic/liberal surrender-monkeys own words, in video format.

Sometimes the TRUTH really SUCKS.

You Know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, I know...they say that they were taken out of context...that we are cherry picking...that they really meant BLAA, Blaa, blaa...

Save it for somebody that actully GIVES A DAMN.

If recording your words and your actions on videotape and playing them back at a later date for everyone to see is to be quantified as "attack ads", then the Dem's have a miserable future ahead of them.

What I still can't believe two things:

1) That the Democrats can actually keep a straight face while they execute shit like this along with the parallel crap coming out of Pennsylvania Representative John Murtha's mouth (another pitiful old veteran that's lost it mentally.)

2) That the media sucks this shit up through a straw, swishes it around in their mouths, and after enjoying the lovely tangy flavor, they dutifullyfully deliver it on TV and in print for our enjoyment and disgust.

How much longer are we going to keep putting up with this?