Saturday, July 02, 2005

Jabba Speaks

Ted “Jabba the Hut” Kennedy issued these words of advice to President Bush with regard to his proposal for replacement of Sandra Day O’Connor :

"If the president abuses his power and nominates someone who threatens to roll back the rights and freedoms of the American people, then the American people will insist that we oppose that nominee -- and we intend to do so," Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, Massachusetts Democrat and member of the Judiciary Committee, said.

Let me remind Senator Jabba of what is said in Article II, Section 2, Clause 2, of the US Constitution regarding Federal Judicial Appointments:

“Clause 2: He (the President) shall have Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to make Treaties, provided two thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers, as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.

Clause 3: The President shall have Power to fill up all Vacancies that may happen during the Recess of the Senate, by granting Commissions which shall expire at the End of their next Session. “

Further, let me remind old red nose that the American people have elected a conservative Republican Senate and given a Republican President a second term. I think that a majority of the American people are insisting THAT THEY DON'T GIVE A TINKER'S DAMN WHAT TED KENNEDY THINKS, except possibly in Boston and a few other radical liberal pockets in the state of Massachusetts.

Jabba, er…I mean Teddy…in my opinion you are a miserable shadow of your two brothers John and Robert, you are a murderer, a miserable drunken sot, and a total ignoramus when it comes to constitutional matters.

There is an old adage I’d like to remind Ted Kennedy of: Better to keep your mouth closed and let people think that you are stupid, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Uninvited Guests

We are fortunate to live in a fairly upscale neighborhood. There are no through streets so we have very little traffic, and our condo property has its own loop road that passes in front of all four buildings and the pool area.

We had a little trouble with some vandalism last summer in the pool deck area and, being the insomniac that I am, I got into the habit of taking a swim each night sometime around midnight. I caught the same carload of visitors whooping it up several nights in a row and the County Police department put the fear of God into them and things settled down nicely.

I’m not a militant pool police snob because I’ve crashed my fair share of swimming pools through the years. After I moved out of apartments and bought my first house back in 1985, the first thing we did was find a nearby apartment complex and started using the pool.

The most important thing about pool crashing is to not call attention to yourself by acting like some kind of ape-shit Tarzan idiot, don’t break things owned by other people, and don’t attempt to handle things like pool toys or the wives/girlfriends of the other pool guests that might actually belong there.

It also helps if you find a vacant apartment or condo and learn the number so if someone questions you about your residency status you can not look like a total moron. Saying you live in building 4 when the units are numbered A through D can cause problems if you are unfortunate enough to meet the local “Pool Nazi.”

The restrooms at our pool house were locked and out of service last spring when we arrived here. After some lobbying and campaigning efforts last winter, I managed to talk the Condo board into having the restrooms cleaned and the locks replaced (they had lost the keys to the doors) and I am now the only resident that has my own key to the restrooms. It’s an awesome responsibility—I hope that I’m up to the challenge.

You now have three choices: pee in the pool, walk dripping wet to your own condo to pee, or honor and obey ME—I am the keeper of the key!

Any, way…we’ve been using the pool for several days in a row this week and we got lazy and left the bathrooms unlocked and our pool toys and floats in the pool house. Yesterday Pat and the girls went to the pool while I did some shopping and hung out in the condo enjoying the silence and solitude for a few hours.

When I went down to the pool to check on everyone I learned that we had had some pool crashers that chose to enjoy our toys, and they split one of our expensive foam rafts in half—how we’ll never know because the thing was strong enough to support my massive girth. The suspects were still at the pool when our party arrived, and when casually questioned about their residency they gave us the old “we have friends that live out here” as an answer.

Why do people have to act like retards when they are uninvited guests?

Friday, July 01, 2005

Nuke 'Em

One of the more important jobs that you get to do when you are elected President of the United States of America is that of appointing Federal judges.

Unlike issues like income tax rates and signing treaties with Mexico and Bora Bora, the Federal Judgeships are unelected LIFETIME appointments that can and do directly and indirectly shape important parts of our lives on an everyday basis.

The US Supreme Court’s recent rulings on the public display of the 10 Commandments and Eminent Domain easily come to mind here. My assertion that these positions are unelected is partially incorrect, in that the American people have in the past 11 years chosen to elect a conservative Republican House of Representatives, a US Senate Republican majority, and to give President Bush his own second 4-year term as our country’s CEO.

In my considered opinion, this indicates that the majority of Americans have given a conservative MANDATE that cannot be ignored when President Bush makes his appointment to replace Justice Sandra Day O’Connor who has served as a Supreme Court justice since she was appointed by Ronald Regan in 1981.

Forget what the media and Ted “jabba the hut” Kennedy says, ignore that silly hippy chick from California that is the House Minority Leader, I want George Bush to appoint exactly who he damn well believes is qualified to fill this position, I want the Senate to follow the rules to the letter of the law, and if Harry Reid and the gang of fourteen lily livered activist Senators lead by John McCain want to screw around with the confirmation process, I want president Bush to get out his big hammer and…

Nuke ‘Em

We have 54 Republican Senators elected by the people (including me), I’m tired of screwing around with this process…

Its high time that we get down to business.

Noodling

If you want a good example of how stupid the government can be when it comes to passing laws, take a look at the hideous crime of Noodling—catching catfish with your bare hands.

Here is what you do if you want to break Georgia law and “Noodle” for your dinner tonight:

You and your friends, Bubba and Earl, toss on your swimsuits (or some old cut off blue jeans shorts.) Next you drive Earl’s pickup to the lake (because your pickup has a dead battery and Bubba’s old lady has to use his truck to go to choir practice or the beauty parlor to get her roots done.)

While on the way to the lake, you and the boys get in a “noodling state of mind” by killing a twelve pack of Natural Light (fewer calories,) then upon arrival at the shore you strip off your tee shirts you got at last weekend’s “Monster Truck Rally,” jump in the lake, and proceed to stick your arms and legs into various holes that you find in the bank along the edge of the water.

If you can avoid the alligator snapping turtles and the cottonmouths, there is a good chance that you will find a few large catfish lurking in some of the holes.

The process sounds simple enough to me, although I prefer using a 47’ Hatteras Sportfishing Yacht and a couple of thousand gallons of diesel fuel to catch my dinner.

Are you excited about noodling yet?

You are?

Well, the good news is that as of today, Noodling is a legal form of fishing in the state of Georgia.

What will they think of next?

Beer Butt Chicken

I’m used to cooking for only two people most of the time—at most two couples. That isn’t my present circumstance, however.

I’m cooking for SEVEN—four adults and three hungry teen girls that seem to want a snack every hour, on the hour.

While a couple pounds of lunch meat and cheese and a few loaves of bread can take care of lunch, dinner is another matter entirely. My solution, when the going gets tough, the tough crack out…

THE CHARCOAL GRILL

I’m what you call a Grill Snob. A so called purist…I’m a charcoal man through and through, and I absolutely refuse to use any petroleum products in association with my grilling. No Propane. No lighter fluid. I have an electric resistance starter for my charcoal. It takes a little longer, but your food doesn’t smell like a diesel truck transmission when you get through cooking it.

There is usually some beer involved in the process, however, and yesterday I found a new use for beer in association with grilling. I cooked something called beer butt chicken—two four pounders—for dinner.

Did I mention that they were delicious?

And really moist?

Well they were.

That is the point in cooking beer butts. You pour ¼ of the beer in each can out into an aluminum pan, stick the beer can with the rest of the beer into the cavity in the chicken, and sit the whole shebang on the grill. The beer in the can boils out while you are cooking and keeps the bird nice and juicy, while the beer in the pan evaporates and keeps the outside wet.

My chickens spent the night before cooking in a nice brine solution, then I did my spicy BBQ rub on one and cooked the other plain (other than a little salt and pepper.) I served my home made Kansas City style BBQ sauce on the side, along with a fancy Asian cold slaw and Red Potato salad.

Don't you wish you were hanging out on St. Simons Island with me this weekend?

Check out my The Redneck Gormet blog later today for the intimate details on how you too can cook such simple, delicious fare yourself.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Singing In The Rain

Sorry about the late posting this morning, but I’ve been busy entertaining.

Some of Pat’s family drove into town to visit on Wednesday and I’ve been standing out in the yard doing an “anti-rain dance” trying to get some decent weather suitable to use the two sets of golf clubs they brought with them.

We also have three teenaged girls in the visiting party that are sitting around in their bathing suits with long faces due to the cloudy, rainy weather. It must have rained 5” or 6” in the past three days and I’m hoping that it gives us a break for a little while today so the girls can enjoy the pool.

Continuing our technical difficulties in the home electronics department, the girls found out that our DVD player has decided that it is only a CD player…who knew? Since we only rarely do the video rental thing in our house the player hasn’t been used three times in the past year.

We took everyone out to Blackwater Grill for some coastal cooking last evening, then we dragged the adults down to Ziggy’s and I indulged myself with some ego-enhancing singing with my friend Smitty’s karaoke adventure. There is something particularly intimidating about singing in front of family—but I got through it.

Meanwhile, back in my kitchen, I’ve got two 4 pound chickens swimming in a nice brine mixture in the fridge and I plan on grilling Beer Butt Chicken for dinner tonight--with a side of cold slaw and red potato salad.

Speaking of chickens, I hear them clucking in the fridge, I have to go get things under control…

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Separated at Birth?--Part II


John sKerry Posted by Hello



Herman Munster Posted by Hello

Separated at Birth?


Jabba the Hut Posted by Hello


Ted Kennedy Posted by Hello

Oops, I got the captions backwards...NOT.

Dem’s words a hit in the Middle East

This crap makes my head spin around.

I was cruising the Web as usual checking out what was going on in the world and what the reaction was to President Bush’s speech last night.

A picture and quotation from Ted “Jabba the Hut” Kennedy was prominently featured on the Al Jazeera web site article addressing Bush’s speech. They also featured words from former California hippy chick turned Democratic Minority leader Nancy Pelosi, and John sKerry got his two cent's worth in also.

" “The president missed an opportunity tonight for straight talk to the American people," said Nancy Pelosi, the Democratic minority leader in the House of Representatives.

"The American people understand what is at stake in Iraq and in the Middle East. That is why it is so disappointing that the president failed tonight, as he has failed consistently since the war began, to lay out specifics for success, including performance benchmarks," she added.

Senator Ted Kennedy, a frequent critic of the war, said the administration's policy on Iraq was "adrift".

"Our soldiers in Iraq need more than assurances of progress from the president," Kennedy said. "They need an effective plan to end the violence, bring peace and stability to Iraq, and return home with dignity and honour. Unfortunately, the president did not level with our troops and the American people and offer an effective strategy for success," he said. Senator John Kerry,

Bush's Democratic rival in the last presidential election, accused the US leader of creating a "third rationale" for going to war.

"The first, of course, was weapons of mass destruction. The second was democracy. And now tonight, it's to combat the hotbed of terrorism," Kerry told CNN."

Can you say Treason and Sedition?

Live By The Sword

Die By The Sword

I’ve recently been ranting and raving about last week’s US Supreme Court ruling regarding the use of Eminent Domain laws to seize property from one private citizen and give it to another private citizen, for the reason of increasing the property tax digest of the local government.

I had thought about the poetic justice of seeing some of these councilmen and other city and county officials responsible for voting to steal someone’s property having their own homes taken away from them using the same laws.

Then I heard about this story while listening to Rush Limbaugh’s radio show after lunch today and it stopped me in my tracks.

I LOVE IT!

“On Monday June 27, Logan Darrow Clements, faxed a request to Chip Meany the code enforcement officer of the Towne of Weare, New Hampshire seeking to start the application process to build a hotel on 34 Cilley Hill Road. This is the present location of (US Supreme Court Justice David H.)Souter's home.

Clements, CEO of Freestar Media, LLC, points out that the City of Weare will certainly gain greater tax revenue and economic benefits with a hotel on 34 Cilley Hill Road than allowing Mr. Souter to own the land.

The proposed development, called "The Lost Liberty Hotel" will feature the "Just Desserts Café" and include a museum, open to the public, featuring a permanent exhibit on the loss of freedom in America. Instead of a Gideon's Bible each guest will receive a free copy of Ayn Rand's novel "Atlas Shrugged."

Clements indicated that the hotel must be built on this particular piece of land because it is a unique site being the home of someone largely responsible for destroying property rights for all Americans.

"This is not a prank" said Clements, "The Towne of Weare has five people on the Board of Selectmen. If three of them vote to use the power of eminent domain to take this land from Mr. Souter we can begin our hotel development." ”

If Mr. Clements will provide an address, I will donate some money and I will offer to work for this project as an engineer or project manager for three months for free. I’ll do any thing else I can to personally see to the success of his project.

As my title says: “Live by the sword—die by the sword”

The President Speaks

(And for once the audience listens)

President Bush spoke for almost exactly a half hour last evening at 8:00 PM. Since all of the TV networks carried the speech in its entirety, I guess that all of the people out there that bitch and complain when the president speaks during prime time were happy that the brevity of his comments only interrupted one mindless Reality-TV show or other-video based waste of time.

I missed most of the speech when it was broadcast live because I forgot about the 8:00 PM start time and was occupied with dinner and preparations for entertaining some of Pat’s family visiting for the balance of the week and the weekend.

I got to watch the replay of the speech at 2:00 AM on FOX news and was impressed with President Bush’s delivery and message. You can find the entire transcript here on the Fox News Website.

“Is the sacrifice worth it…?” President Bush asked in front of a group of troops assembled at Ft. Bragg, North Carolina. He then set about in his message to explain to the American people why the sacrifice of his audience (the troops) is in fact worth their efforts, gains, and losses.

“America’s mission in Iraq is to defeat an enemy, and give strength to a Friend…a sovereign Iraqi government.”

Next he answered the question about an exit strategy and a “timeline” for removal of our troops from the region:

“As the Iraqi’s stand up, we will stand down…we’ve made progress, but we have a lot more work to do.”

“Setting an artificial timetable for our withdrawal would send the wrong message to the Iraqi People… that need to know that America will not leave before the job is done.”

The President even gave out a link the www.americasupportsyou.mil/ website that details what Americans are doing here at home in support of the troops.

The interesting thing to me was the silence in the lecture hall while the president was talking. Only his line “…and we will stay in the fight until the fight is won” got applause, as well as his closing statement that “they (the foreign forces) are no match for the Unites States Military.

Otherwise, no applause, and no lack of applause, no hoots or cat-calls at each of his comments, regardless of the obvious exciting content. Apparently the attendees had orders to sit in their seats and listen to what the President had to say rather than attempting to make partisan commentary with the enthusiasm or lack thereof.

I turned my TV over to NBC and saw the tail end of House Democratic Minority leader Nancy Pelosi’s “rebuttal” comments. Excuse me for putting it this way, but I think that “Ms.” Pelosi is an intellectually dishonest partisan hack, an idiot, and she is apparently deaf. Congresswoman Pelosi’s comments consisted entirely of a call for the president to “level with the American People,” and answer the very questions that the president answered in his speech in the preceding half hour.

Hey “Ms.” Pelosi, the president was talking to you, me, and the balance of the American people last evening, but you and most of your Democratic colleagues are obviously too blinded by partisan hatred of our commander-in-chief and unconcerned for the safety of our military to hold your tongues else temper your comments with reasoned intellectual thought.

(Hat tip to Captain Ed over at Captains Quarters for the link to the Americasupportsyou website and the guys over at Powerline for the link to the speech transcript.)

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

It’s Not What You Do…

(It’s What You Are Thinking When You Do It)

I hate “Hate Crime Laws.”

If thing's keep going like they are, soon my feelings about "Hate Crime Laws" might actually be against the law.

"Hate Crime laws" are like double negatives or oxymorons—they’re like deja vu all over again.

Hate crime laws aren’t concerned with what crime you commit, they worry about what you are thinking or believe at the time you commit the crime.

In my opinion, hate crime laws are stupid and unjust, not to mention never to be applied to a group of black guys beating the shit out of my head with a pistol in the winter of 1979 in a Pizza Hut Restaurant in Atlanta.

Beating me in the head was already a crime in 1979. Pointing a gun at me and my friends was already a crime in 1979. Picking out the only white boys in a restaurant full of black customers and staff didn’t change the number of stitches it took to close up the cuts on the back of my thick skull that evening.

Today in my considered opinion, the US Supreme Court passed a new Hate Crime Law—

IN REVERSE.

Put a religious symbol in a public place when you LOVE & BELIEVE in what the religion represents—THAT’S AGAINST THE LAW.

Place the exact same symbol in a different public place, for a different reason, and THAT’S JUST A-OK.

I think that today’s 5-4 decision is founded in the same ignorant, biased, stupid principals that hate crime laws are founded on. Today the US Supreme Court ruled that our citizens can’t display the Ten Commandments in or near a Public Courthouse if the person that put them there actually believed in (and possibly lived by) the Ten Commandments.

Hey…Your Honor Ms. Sandra Day O’Connor, let my slightly uneducated, Libertarian, Redneck Ass ask you something: “Kentucky can’t look at them (religious symbols), but Texas can have them (religious symbols)

I’m confused?

How about if I bring you and your fellow judges (and I use the term “Judge” fairly loosely) a big old fish aquarium full of my urine with a nice miniature copy of the Ten Commandments mounted prominently inside.

In your considered, highly educated, honorable opinion, would it be legal to display THAT in the lobby of the Supreme Court Building up there in Washington DC?

After all, a whole bunch of your high browed, high powered, intellectual, know it all, bleeding heart, liberal elitist friends and associates thought that Jesus on a Cross in a jar full of Piss could be considered serious ART in 1989.

Idiots

Sharks-R-US—Part II

(The warnings continue)

I hate to keep beating this subject to death, but it is rare that I have so much personal knowledge—as opposed to pure opinion (biased or otherwise)—to offer about a current news story in my blogging.

Further, not to sound like a complete liar or know-it-all, but from September 12, 2001 until April 2002 I lived in a little rental house less than fifty yards from the beach in Mexico Beach, Florida, looking the few miles south across St. Joseph Bay toward Cape San Blas where today’s shark attack occurred.

I was originally supposed to relocate myself and a truck load of my “stuff” on 9/11 from Vinings, Georgia, down to the Florida Panhandle to do some work developing some property that I owned in that area. After the terrorist attack that occurred in NY and DC, I decided to wait a day to see if the authorities were going to close the interstate highways and in an effort to understand what the effects of post 9/11 security would have on nearby Tyndall Air Force Base through which I had to drive to get to my new home in paradise.

I absolutely loved living in what is known as ”The Forgotten Coast” area of Florida. Unfortunately, things have changed, the world has discovered the area, and it is rapidly becoming a clone of Panama City Beach, Santa Rosa Island, and Destin.

Today’s Shark attack off of Cape San Blas—that little hooked shaped piece of land that looks like the “trigger” on a gun when you look at the map of Florida on the The Weather Channel on TV—is an unfortunate event, but in my opinion it is not entirely unexpected.

Cape San Blas and the Mexico Beach/St. Joe area are located in the part of the Florida panhandle where several big rivers including the “Amazon of the South”, the Chattahoochee/Flint/Apalachicola River system, dumps most of the rainwater falling on parts of Alabama, half of Georgia, and some of Florida into the Gulf of Mexico.

All of this fresh water is the nourishing source of the famous Apalachicola Bay Oysters. If you haven’t ever eaten any or never have heard of them (the oysters,) I don’t have the words to explain…

This large supply of fresh water flowing into the nearby shallow bays and inlets also produces great fishing for both HUMAN fisherman and MARINE Predators. Thus is the source of today’s tragedy. Rivers, canals, and other inlets represent similar hazards.

Fortunately, in my middle aged lethargy and sloth ness, I did not spend much time wading in the waters in that area in depths over knee deep. I did, however, love to jump in a boat with a load of bait (cigar minnows, shrimp, and squid), coolers full of ice, tanks full of gasoline, and a few beers, and run up and down the shoreline attempting to catch Red Snapper, Redfish, Kingfish, and anything else that would take my hook.

I made my first trip as the captain of a boat traveling out of sight of land--18 miles off shore—in October 2001 from the Mexico Beach Canal. My girlfriend Patricia, the lone other occupant on board for my adventure, was quite relieved when the water tower drew into sight on our return trip that afternoon. Thank God for my Garman GPS system.

Again, if you have never had the pleasure to fish in that area, my words fail me…

The water is rarely clear beyond the depth of three feet, and the risk of stepping on something painful of otherwise injuring oneself caused most of my antics in those days to be restricted to areas above water, floating on the water, or on shore eating, drinking, and singing in the local restaurants and bars.

The same water conditions are presented adjacent to my new home here on St. Simons Island Georgia. For this reason, I have to admit that Pat and I do not spend much time hanging out at the beach or in the ocean—we have a pool at our condo.

The 36 foot deep shipping channel running through St. Simons Sound and the Altamah and Frederica Rivers provide tons of nourishment to support good fishing, but the water clarity sucks and I love the crystal clear waters of places like Panama City, Destin, the Bahamas, and Jamaica over the soup we have here.

I don’t wish another attack on anyone, but lets face it ladies and gentlemen, it will happen again as long as humans survive the auto or plane trips to and from the beaches of the world.

AAAAAHHHHHHHH...Look out everybody....It's a Sunami.....

(does that put a bad beach vacation into perspective???)

Monday, June 27, 2005

Sharks-R-US

Do NOT Make Me Keep Writing About This…

I was taking my life into my own hands driving over to Brunswick to do some shoping this afternoon when I heard on the radio that…

OH…NO…not ANOTHER shark attack.

Yes, it has happened…

AGAIN…

In MY old favorite part of Florida…AGAIN.

This is at best a sad coincidence, but at worst it is going to continue to fuel the media “feeding frenzy” because on this very day that the medical goons were doing the autopsy on little 14 year old Jamie Diagle that died last Saturday as a result of wounds she received in a attack by some dubiously identified size of Bull shark, we have another shark attack to analyze and explain--ENDLESSLY.

Let me explain the story’s “media induced” problems to date…

Was the shark that killed Jamie 6’ long or 8’ long, and in the end, does the type of shark or size of shark really matter?

This news story says:

"Experts Monday were trying to determine why an 8-foot bull shark attacked and killed a 14-year-old girl off the coast of northern Florida during the weekend.

An autopsy was scheduled for Jamie Daigle of Gonzales, La., who, along with a friend, was about 250 yards offshore Saturday when the shark clamped onto her leg. A 54-year-old man nearby rushed to her and told the Miami Herald he punched the shark and tried to distract it away from her.

It made several more rushes at the badly bleeding girl before swimmers were able to tow her to shore on a surfboard. She died of blood loss before reaching the hospital.

George Burgess, a University of Florida shark researcher who was at the beach near Destin said the attack was not normal for Florida waters.

"Usually a shark will make a mistake, thinking it's a fish," Burgess said. "In this instance, the shark apparently very knowingly went after a large prey item and persistently tried to follow through on its normal feeding behavior, which would be to come back and attack again and again." "

So Jamie was killed by an 8 foot Bull Shark, 250 yards off shore, right? She died “of blood loss before reaching the hospital” as I predicted earlier.

For some reason this story in Bloomberg says that the shark was a 6 footer and the attack occurred 100 yards off shore.

“A six-foot bull shark probably was responsible for killing a 14-year-old girl in Florida while she was swimming with a friend last weekend, said Erich Ritter of the Shark Research Institute.

The girl, Jamie Marie Daigle of Gonzales, Louisiana, was vacationing with friends on Florida's Gulf Coast. She was attacked by the shark in an area not protected by sandbars or lifeguards, Tim Dicus, a surfer who brought the girl to shore, told the Associated Press said yesterday. Daigle was swimming more than 100 yards (91 meters) from shore June 25, AP said.”

Let me summarize what we’ve learned so far, and I'll write it as if I were a professional NEWS REPORTER:

Destin (Virgil Rogers)--“Jamie Marie Daigle of Gonzales, LA died on Saturday as a result of massive blood loss resulting from injuries received during at least one attack by what is believed to be a 6’ to 8’ Bull Shark.

Miss Daigle and a friend were reportedly swimming between 100 and 250 yards offshore of Destin, Florida at the time of the attack."

Case Closed…what is so hard about that?

Today’s shark bite story is about a 16 year old boy “reportedly” being bitten by a shark near Cape San Blass, Florida.

"Authorities in the area say Monday's attack could have occurred because the boys fishing were using live bait, and were fairly far out from shore, standing on a sandbar.

A 16-year-old boy is in stable condition after being bitten by a shark in the Gulf Coast waters of northern Florida on Monday. It was the second shark attack in the area in three days. Experts say last year's Florida hurricanes could be the reason why sharks are now closer to popular beaches in some parts of Florida.

Beaches along Florida's northern Gulf Coast were closed on Monday after the second shark attack in three days. One of three boys fishing on a sand bar at Cape San Blas was severely bitten by a shark on Monday.

At a Florida news conference on Monday, Eric Ritter, a shark expert from the New Jersey-based Shark Research Institute, said last year's Florida hurricanes could have altered sand bars in the shallow Gulf waters, allowing sharks to move closer to shore than they might previously have done.

"A changed weather system always does affect the super top predators, but it also affects the entire food chain," he said. "So, yes if you change a sand bar it directly affects the current that will bring in other sharks. We have some indication that the hurricanes from last year created some of the accidents." "

So am I good, or what? I ALREADY TOLD YOU ALL OF THIS, AND I’M JUST AN IGNORANT AMATEUR WRITER AND MECHANICAL ENGINEER…

As I already wrote yesterday in More About Gulf Vacations--the sandbars are affected by the prevailing weather and, by the way--the sharks will swim where they want to AND BITE WHO AND WHAT THEY WANT TO BITE, WHEN THEY WANT TO BITE IT.

Finally, TODAY"S LESSON, learned by some of my friends that have many years of expericence Spear Fishing while scuba diving in oceans all over the world is this:

Don't stand around in water full of sharks with a bucket or mesh bag full of dead (or live) fish attached to your bathing suit.

If you want to drag a bucket of dead (or live) fish into the ocean with you, put it on a long rope or anchor it far away from any of your body parts that you consider to be essential in conducting the balance of your life on this planet.


It's just that simple.

More About Gulf Vacations

(How to not get caught feeding the sharks…)

Finally we’re getting some accurate first hand details about Saturday’s shark attack near my old stomping ground on the Florida panhandle

It looks to me like the teenaged girl was just damn unlucky. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time and the more complete news stories confirm what I said yesterday—that she probably came to the attention of a big bull shark.

“Surfer Tim Dicus, 54, said he heard a scream and saw Venable swimming for shore as fast as she could. Jamie was face down in a bloody circle of water, and the flesh had been torn on one leg from her hip to her knee.

Dicus swam out to help the teen.

"He was very aggressive," "I've been here a long time and I've never seen a shark get that aggressive."

Dicus pulled Daigle on to his surf board while the shark continued its attack, Local 6 News reported.

"I got her on to the board and he continued to attack from the outer bar to the beach," Dicus
said”

Although his comments are well intended, I disagree with surfer dude Dicus. The behavior he describes as being exhibited by the suspect shark is actually very typical of documented shark behavior.

Sharks aren’t stupid. They generally won’t take on something bigger than they are unless it is already dead or dying. They prefer scavenging wounded or dead fish rather than killing healthy live prey like that consumed by Dolphins, Barracudas, and the other larger game fish species.

The problem here is that the legs of little 90 pound girls thrashing around on floats and “boogie boards” looks to sharks exactly like a couple of three foot long fish floundering around in the surf.

Unless they are VERY hungry, Sharks also won’t take on something their own size or slightly smaller if the prey reacts aggressively. As a Scuba diver I’ve been instructed to leave sharks alone and enjoy watching them, but to face them down and even punch them in the nose or eyes if they happen to get too friendly. Harassing a shark by grabbing it by the tail or fins is definitely a good way to get bitten, although I’m not suggesting that the two girls were harassing this big fella'.

When a shark comes in to investigate potential prey, it will initially give it a bump or possibly a nibble. If the prey reacts aggressively the shark will probably move on to something less troubling to deal with. The bad news is that once a shark comes in and actually takes a bite, if they like the taste, they will then circle around and come back in to take another bite. They will also wait and watch nearby for things to settle down and then come in and eat at their leisure (once the prey is dead.)

Sharks rarely swallow their prey whole. The shark’s mouth and teeth is designed as a tearing machine. They bite down on their prey and shake their head from side to side—actually “sawing” their way through flesh and bone. Believe me, a four or five foot long shark can break human bones very easily.

Remember the young semi-professional female surfer that had her arm bitten off by a shark in Hawaii a couple of years ago? She was lucky to survive with a shark taking her whole arm in that manner. The little girl injured this past Saturday was said to have had a chunk of flesh torn off of her thigh. She probably bled to death out of the big femoral artery located in that part of her leg—a tourniquet and a great deal of luck were her only chance of survival.

I saw a videotape while visiting Walkers Cay Bahamas a few years ago that showed a scuba diver performing a “shark feeding” exercise by hand. Feeding sharks by hand, just like feeding gators and bears, is a VERY bad idea. Even though the diver was wearing a protective “chain-mail” sleeve, one of the eager sharks swam up, grabbed her forearm rather than the fish she was holding, and with two or three shakes of its head and body the video showed the bone in her upper arm snap like a toothpick. The diver got to keep her arm, but she had to endure the recovery from a COMPOUND FRACTURE—all caused by an itty bitty 4 foot reef shark.

Finally, I have a recommendation for swimmers visiting the Gulf coast of Florida:

Confine your swimming to the areas inside the second sandbar unless you are an experienced surfer or snorkel/scuba diver or otherwise really know what the heck you are doing.

Will you do this for ME, Please?

I promise that you’ll still have a good time, you’ll be a hell of a lot safer for a number of reasons besides sharks, and I won’t have to spend two weeks watching FOX News’ Greta Van Susteren roll her eyes back in her head and twist her crooked mouth telling me about your demise.

Here is the deal on the topography of the beaches down there in Panama City and Destin. You should be able to tell from my discussion that I am an EXPERT on this area of Florida.

First, understand that there are multiple rows of sandbars running parallel to the beach, and the water is relatively shallow for a good distance offshore. You sometimes have to go out 20 miles to fish in 100 feet of water. The Gulf of Mexico in this area also has a very low tide fluctuation, usually only about 1-1/2 or 2 feet from high to low. This allows very well defined sandbars to build up and they are a unique feature that sometimes draws swimmers too far offshore with a false sense of security.

Depending on the tide conditions and the recent weather actions on the water, the first sandbar can be anywhere from twenty feet to twenty yards offshore. You can wade out into water somewhere between knee deep and waist deep, then if you keep walking or swimming out you can be standing in shin deep water on the sandbar. It’s fun and usually safe for the younger kids and adult swimmers of all capabilities, as long as the surf is not too rough. This sandbar is what causes the waves to break on shore. Fun, fun, fun.

After you get to the first sandbar, if you keep moving offshore you’ll pass through another section of water from armpit deep to slightly over your head in depth, at which time you’ll encounter another sandbar which is usually about twenty to fifty yards beyond the first one. Many times you can comfortably stand on this sandbar. Sometimes it’s only waist deep, and for this reason it is attractive for kids and weaker swimmers. Usually even this location is safe, again as long as the surf conditions will permit.

Unless you are an expert surfer or wearing a mask and swim fins, this is as far as you should venture off shore.

There are usually at least four noticeable rows of sandbars that extend several hundred yards offshore into water depths between fifteen and thirty feet deep, but these bars are useless to swimmers without a snorkel or scuba tanks. This area of the gulf is routinely inhabited by the exact same marine inhabitants that you can find three miles offshore—I know, because I’ve probably spent a hundred hours of my life out there in years past.

It's a neat area to visit because that is where the good shells and sanddollars are located, and the friendly creatures inhabiting these deeper areas will generally ignore you...but,

as we all were again reminded this past weekend, their sharp teeth are quite capable of taking a chunk out of you that you will probably need while driving home from your vacation, and they could care less how unhappy your mother, husband, father, wife, or kids feel about you not making it back home alive as a result of their having a little snack.

My Least Favorite Dutch Translations

After a great deal of effort, I have started learning to translate the Dutch language into our own familiar English terms.

For instance…

The first thing that came to me is that Van Der Sloot just might be Dutch for “Kennedy”

Deepak Kalpoe is Dutch for "stupid regretful accomplace number one"

Satish Kalpoe is Dutch for "stupid regretful accomplice number two"

Steve Gregory Croes is Dutch for "party boat disc jockey"
(An alternate difinition here would be "idiot who stuck his nose in where it didn't belong." )

Greta Van Susteren is Dutch for “needs to get a life”--as in reference to her coverage of Lacy Peterson, Martha Stewart, Michael Jackson, and the missing chick du jour.

Heraldo Rivera is Dutch for “interminable boring pain in the ass—regardless of which TV network employs you” as in his stories about Al Capone’s vault, old 60 minutes shows, etc.

As I said before, I feel terrible for Natalee Holloway’s friends and family, but honestly…people…enough is enough.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

I'm Bitten With An Additional Perspective on Sharks

Further continuing my messy statistical review of things that the media won't tell you:

"In 1987, New York City reported the following number of people bitten by dogs, 8,064; (gummed by) other people, 1,587; (mneyowed by) cats, 802; (chewed by) rats, 291; (chomped by) squirrels, 95; (ravaged by) raccoons, 11; (gnawed on by) ferrets, 7; (stinked, stank, or stunk by a) skunk, 3.

(verbage mine--VRR)

There were 13 shark injuries reported nationwide the same year."

Seems to me like your back yard, the nearby woods, or your local municipal park is a much more dangerous place than the beach

Shark!

As you have probably already heard, tragedy struck today when two young girls swimming one hundred yards offshore on “boogie boards” were attacked by a shark off of Florida’s gulf coast.

One of the girls later died at the hospital—the cause of death as yet to be announced. My guess was that it was probably drowning or massive loss of blood.

This was the first time someone has been killed by a shark in this part of the Florida Panhandle in over 20 years, but a few people get bitten swimming in the Atlantic Ocean and Gulf waters off of Florida every year.

According to the Florida Museam of Natural History Ichthyology Department Web site, there were over 50,000,000 visitors to Florida in 2001, but less than 40 shark attacks world wide and less than 5 attacks in the entire state of Florida that same year.

Based on these numbers, it seems to me that the odds are more in your favor for having a safe beach trip rather than favoring the sharks getting a large, suntain oil covered and bikini clad hor'dourve...

I guess the statistic that does the most for me is this one: According to the International Shark Attack File, between 1580 and 2003 there were only 1,909 confirmed shark attacks and 456 confirmed deaths due to sharks around the world.

Not a bad statistic for a period extending over 423 years.

Remember that we kill over 40,000 people in this country each year in automobile accidents?

More good news is that no one (OK practically no one) ever actually gets EATEN by a shark unless you like to spend your time hanging out on the chilly southernmost South American or South Africa beaches during seal calving season or you earn a whole bunch of frequent flyer miles making trips necessiary to surf and/or dive on Australia’s Great Barrier Reef.

The bad news is that, if you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time, a shark can cause a serious injury to you and possibly take your life.

The infamous Great White Shark is usually the culprit of the true man eating shark stories. An occasional Tiger and Bull Shark also makes an occasional deadly snack of a human every now and then on international and domestic beaches—usually near deep waters.

What sharks normally do here in the coastal waters of the southeastern US is get confused looking at a swimmer thrashing around in murky or otherwise less than clear water, take a sample bite, and you (the victim) run to the hospital and the media hyperventilates endlessly, until some other newsworthy event occurs.

This recent shark bite story strikes very close to home for me personally because I spent many of the spring and fall weekends and some summer weeks of my youth camping in my parent’s motor home at the Holiday Travel Park in Destin, Florida adjacent to where this death occurred.

Back in that period, 1972 to 1977, I spent hours and hours swimming in the surf and wandering the adjacent dunes of this formerly rural campground. I’m a beach bum today as direct result of my beach bum training received in those glorious days before all of the dang Yankees and the rest of the world discovered Destin, Florida.

I heard a local Walton County official today say in a TV interview that sharks are a rarity in the Florida Panhandle area, using as his reference the shark attack and death statistics.

BULLSHIT—the sharks are out there—they just don’t intentionally want to EAT you!

As proof of the sharks' presence in these waters I offer the fact that almost every single charter boat captain on the Florida Panhandle makes nightly shark fishing trips. On these trips they attract their prey by putting out "chum" consisting of bloody fish pieces and parts into the water, within a few miles offshore—sometimes within hundreds of yards—of the very beaches that their beloved tourists are sunning and swimming on during the day.

Let me tell you this: they don't come home empty handed--they catch a boat load of sharks each and every night within a few miles of where this 14 year old girl died.

As I said before, THE SHARKS ARE OUT THERE, PEOPLE, just like the stray dogs, feral cats, raccoons, and ‘possums are out there wandering around your neighborhood and wrecking your back yard trashcans each night.

In support of my beliefs about sharks generally benign behavior, let me tell you a quick story.

Labor Day weekend of 1997 I took a diving trip to Walkers Cay Bahamas. The trip consisted of a low altitude air trip across the Gulf Stream from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida to Walkers Cay aboard an old 1948 vintage Grumman Albatross Seaplane. We did a really cool landing on the water, taxied up the ramp to the "palm tree roofed customs office," and spent three days diving, eating, and drinking.

I will never forget the experience. Although the operation has changed somewhat, I hope to do it again soon.

Two of our dives were in 30’ of water in what they call the Shark Dive Rodeo.

Imagine jumping off the back of a big boat in order to witness a two foot cube of frozen fish parts, suspended by a buoy in the water, surrounded by 150 sharks of all species and sizes(Bulls, Carribbean Reef, Black Tips, & Nurse Sharks), and hundreds of other fish (Groupers, sea bass, etc.) all happily eating while sixty or seventy divers swam around—no nets or protective clothing—watching and photographing the proceedings.

Not one single diver got bit.

Not one single diver got killed.

Instead of fearing sharks, I say that you should be worrying about the idiot driving the car in the lane next to you tomorrow morning on your way to the store to buy a newspaper and a cup of coffee.

It’s just that simple...