Thursday, December 31, 2009

Everybody Have a Flabby Happy New Year

My Kitchen Jihad...Grown Men Quiver In Their Boots

What's going on in my kitchen right now probably could be against the law in many states.

I give the idiots in Washington DC another ten years and it probably will be.

No "trans-fats" and artificial sweeteners mind you, I'm talking REAL fat from pork and Turkey and Cows here in my world.

Did I mention a whole POUND of butter spread around in different places?

First there's the pot of black eyed peas which have been soaking all day and now have a smoked ham hock laying in the middle of the pot as I slowly heat things up.

Next there's the giant five gallon pot of mustard and Collard Greens, with not only a smoked Ham Hock but also a Turkey leg--bone in--wallowing around in there for flavor.

That pot of greens is just getting started on the stove top in anticipation of being available with the black eyed peas, a big pone of home made corn bread, mashed potatoes, sauerkraut, beer bratwurst, and a giant stuffed pork tenderloin which I as yet have to go slice and fill with fruit and breadcrumbs and tie it all up with butcher's twine.

Then there's the breakfast casserole of bread and eggs and sausage and colored bell peppers and onions and bacon and cheddar cheese that's already put together, sitting in the basement fridge, and just needs to slide into the oven tomorrow morning for breakfast.

There's a half stick of of REAL, unsalted butter in that dish.

Then Saturday for dinner there's my soon to be famous White "Green Butt" Pork Tenderloin Chili which is still in the raw component phase.

And Pancakes and link sausage for breakfast Saturday and Huevos Rancheros (Mexican Eggs) for Sunday morning Brunch and I figure the ambulance will be arriving around noon to take me to the Cardiac Recovery Unit at Fort Sanders Medical Center.

If you don't hear from me here on the blog, somebody send up a flare....


What Ever Happened To 2000?

The way "Time is Flying", I find myself thrashing around this morning trying to get focused and organized, but then again since we're bumping up against YET ANOTHER holiday on the calendar I realize that everything's going to pretty much come to a screeching stop until next Monday morning.

I'm sort of looking at this "holiday" as a nussiance rather than a benefit because it's costing me money to stop and celebrate something that doesn't really matter in the big picture.

Because most everyone has the day off on Friday I had to beat some suppliers into shipping stuff I ordered last week, with one causing me to have to pay for over night FedEX because they were sitting on the shipment for apparently no good reason.

We've got guests in town for the extended weekend starting tomorrow evening so I have to get cooking later this morning to prep the New Years luncheon meal and plan Saturday Dinner and Sunday Brunch.

Sometimes I wonder why the heck I always end up putting myself in the position of making everybody's gastrointestinal satisfaction and needs a top priority on my personal time line, but I do and I did for this weekend so it's time to go consider the last minute grocery list and the details of getting things done on time.

In the mean time I'm fairly sure something in the news will piss me off and give me some additional blog fodder, but until then...

...regards Y'all

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I Can't Win For Losing

Silly Crap That Makes Me Crazy...

So I wander up to Staples yesterday to buy my end of the year load of office supply crap, and when we get up to the checkout with the cart full of paper and divider tabs and .5 mm pencils and Desk Lamps and all the other stuff we think we need I ask the rocket scientist girl at the counter this:

"I know that I left my Staples "Rewards Card" here last week, can you check and see if you have it?"

She then proceeds to drag us over to the "service desk" (there was no one else in line at the time) and we watched while she fumbled around in a bunch of bags under the counter...then she gayly announced that she didn't have a single "Staples Reward Card", just a couple of cell phones and a WalMart card in their lost and found.

Isn't that amazing, that the store which insists on assaulting you every time you walk in the door with a sales pitch to make you take one of their "affinity" cards has exactly ZERO cards left behind by customers?

In a place where they want every single customer to have their card, and where their employees are brainwashed to deliver a sales pitch over and Over and OVER again until in capitulation (and to shut them the heck up) you finally take it?

I'll tell you what's going on at Staples these days.

Once you finally succumb to their sales pitch, those son's-of-guns are throwing your cards away if you leave them at the checkout so that you can't retrieve the "rewards credits" you've earned over all of your purchases.

According to the website, we spent nearly $800 at Staples in 2009 and it really does add up when you include recycling printer ink and all the other stuff we buy, so I know a good thing when I see it.

And I, being a self proclaimed "Super Genius", had gone online prior to our visit when I realized that the last rocket scientist sales clerk had failed to return my "Rewards Card" to me (I have to ask for it back almost every time) and found my "Rewards Number" and had it written down on the back of one of my business cards for future reference.

This visit being in "the future", after five minutes fumbling around and not finding the card in the store I then presented the rocket scientist lovely woman with my business card bearing the number on the reverse (BCBNR for short.)

Do you know what that silly bitch rocket scientist lovely female sales clerk did?



Yep...She smiled as she told me about how to get my online rebates for some stuff I had bought and mentioned in passing that she had had a "brain fart" and that I also needed to call the 1-800 number she wrote on my receipt so I could have them add the purchase to my "Rewards Card" account.

I exited the facility with Pat pinning my hands together behind my back in order to keep me from spending New Years Eve in jail for assault.

Is it just me?

It's Almost New Years

Where's My Limo?

I have to say that I'm already tired of all of the "retrospective" stories on the TV and in the Newspaper rehashing everything we were forced to live through in 2009.

Of course a little bit of nostalgia goes a long way with me anyway.

I think the people that made the least contributions to the goings on in our country and in the world--those with the most minimal of actual accomplishments--by virtue of having nothing of consequence or responsibility to do are the ones which most enjoy reveling in and reminiscing about the death of people like Michael Jackson and the inauguration of our impostor professional poser President Obama.

I, on the other hand, have "bigger fish to fry," and I prefer to spend my time looking forward on the calendar rather than backward.

I'm just happy to have made it through 2009 after my company closed down last December 19th without missing a house payment, while at the same time managing to earn some semblance of a living and minimally maintaining my professional beach bum lifestyle.

In spite of the cash flow crunch, in 2009 I still managed to spend about two weeks back on our little Island of St. Simons (in April my team won second place, "People's Choice" in the 2009 Chili Cookoff using my recipe), spent time on another Island--Cedar Key-- last summer, and finished the summer off on Santa Rosa Island Labor Day weekend.

Not bad for someone who was "officially" "unemployed."

The key (excuse the pun), in my considered Redneck opinion, is just keeping your priorities in order.

Any way, the New Years' celebrations this year here in Knoxtown at the Turbo Pup Compound on the banks of the Mighty Tennessee River will be somewhat subdued, with family guests (my new business partners) arriving New Years eve in time to eat a blended southern northern feast of Pork, Wurst, Sauerkraut, Greens, and Black Eyed Peas with Cornbread.

We're basically keeping a low profile and trying to get the second PLC panel put together so we can open the year with a shipment of new product in anticipation of rolling out a couple of new control panels and actually making some good money in 2010.

No limos, no funny hats and no staying out in a club until midnight, I doubt if I'm even awake at 12:00AM so riding around in something like this like we did last year in Kansas City between Christmas/New Years is out of the question:

I don't know about you, but I'm not waiting on the government to stimulate my personal economy, I just want them to get the hell out of my way and let me do what I know how to do.

The Imperial Federal Government of the By-God United States of 'Merica and all of the other "do-gooder" busy bodies can just go somewhere else and help someone that thinks that they need it...

...and I wish everyone the best of luck in 2010.

(I'm afraid we're gonna need it)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Old Enough To Remember Seeing This Image On TV?

Then You Know It Means This Blog Is "Off The Air" Right Now...

If you're bored, scroll down and re-read the insanity I wrote yesterday and I'll talk to y'all later.

Monday, December 28, 2009

I'm Starting al Qaeda Airlines

Nobody Move...Everybody Has a Bomb!!!

Isn't that a brilliant idea?

The Government Idiots in Washington DC could take all of the Taxpayer dollars they waste on fake, useless Airline security measures and just start an airline or charter service for Arabs.

If you have "al" or "el" or any name with more than twenty four syllables that requires extra phlegm to say, or you insist on wearing table and bath linens on your head, you could fly for free from any destination inside the united states to any destination in the middle east.

One way, on the taxpayer dollar.

And before you get on board a government employee would pat you down and run you a couple of times through the metal detector, and then if they couldn't find anything they'd loan you a box cutter, strap a load of plastics explosives around your waist, and shove a stick of dynamite up your ass before putting you on the airplane.

Then once everyone was on board and they were taxing for take off the cabin steward, a big wild eyed hairy sucker with a turban, a bandoleer full of ammunition, and a machine gun would come out and deliver the "preflight briefing" which would go something like this:

"cuickkkkkk (the sound of a microphone opening)

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and welcome on board el al Qaeda Airlines flight 666 to Mecca.

In order to ensure your safety and that of the passengers around you we ask that you remain on your prayer rug, with your Velcro knee pads and palm pads securely fastened to the carpet until the captain has turned off the "Velcro knee pad sign."

This Ismail Industries Allah 705 "Virgin Buster" Jet has four emergency exits...two over the wings and two behind the flight deck, although according to TSA and FAA regulations they have been welded shut from the outside prior to departure.

Although smoking is allowed on board once we reach our cruising altitude, we ask that you resist the urge to blow yourself up until we are safely over the Arabian Peninsula.

During our in flight cabin service refreshments will be available including goats milk, Camel Urine, olives, and crackers with feta cheese. Fermented sheep's milk would be available along with various wines and malt beverages for $5 each, but then we will have to slit your throat if you consume them because alcohol is forbidden in the Koran.

The in flight movie will be the 2009 remake of "Lawrence of Arabia" starring Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as Peter O'Toole, Lybia's Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi as Omar Sharif, and Yasser Arafat as the Ghost of Christmas a minute...that's a different film.

any way...

The operation of cell phone bomb detonators, satellite phones, laptop computers, and other portable electronic devices is strictly prohibited (but we know you don't care what activities are allowed in flight so go ahead and do as you please...we won't stop you.)

On behalf of Captain Mohammed and First Officer Abdul and your Detroit based el al Qaeda cabin crew, we ask that you kneel down, relax and enjoy our flight as we head directly toward Mecca and your 100 virgins.

We know that you have a choice when making your air travel arrangements and we appreciate you choosing el al Qaeda Airlines

We hope you enjoy your flight. sound of the microphone going off)"

Heh...I wrote that myself...I amaze even me with my insensitivity sometimes...

Terrorism For Dummies

An Open Letter From An Angry Redneck...

Hello Mr. Terrorist,

I hope you're having a lovely afternoon there kneeling facing Mecca, chanting Allah, and visualizing your 100 Virgins out there in the after life.

Seriously, I'm starting to agree with you that some of the "Infidels" over here in the US need to have an industrial strength sized can of WhoopAss opened on their heads enjoy a little personal Jihadist terrorism, and here's my ten cents worth of advice on how you can totally screw up America and large portions of the "civilized" Western world--sometimes without even killing yourself by blowing up the first tennis shoe or lighting the first fuse on the bottles of liquid and powder you have strapped to your scrotum and shoved into your rectum, but I digress...

FIRST, you really have to understand that MANY of the people in charge of security here in the US are at best mentally retarded, and the ones that aren't are either too stupid to prevent any serious threats from occurring else they actually hate America and Americans enough that they don't care what happens and what the effects of their actions or in-actions are in the process. The rest of the people I haven't identified are too politically correct to risk offending you so feel free to run amok around the "enhanced" security measures they're putting in place this week.

SECOND, you need to realize that the American people are too interested in watching Reality Shows and American Idol or College Sports to actually get up off of their asses and elect anyone with any real capability to defend themselves and our country at large.

THIRD, you can sleep peacefully knowing that even the most inept members of your rag tag band of Muslim Missionaries can strike terror in the hearts and minds of our leaders and most of the population just by showing up and doing something to get yourself arrested--even if it actually never really posed a serious threat to anyone but yourself. The US Congress will pass a new law at the drop of a hat and the Obama Administration has a spoken policy of "never wasting a crisis..." so I think that you get my drift here.

FOURTH, you can count on our lamestream media--NY Times, CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC and the ASSociated Press et. al.--to tell you our every move and leak classified information from "confidential sources" and other people that should know better but "decline to be identified" or "spoke on condition of anonymity" because things like Treason are against the law here but unless you're driving DUI or speeding the laws are mostly not enforced these days.

So, with that groundwork laid out for you to see, lets talk about how you and a couple of dozen of your swarthy, bearded, Allah loving associates can totally F**K up the American way of life in a single 24 hour period.

First of all, each of you needs to fly somewhere wearing obvious Arabic/Islamic/Muslim cultural garb and act as strange as possible. That will start shutting things down and make all of Soccer Moms wet their panties right off of the bat. Some people will go home and some will take the next flight, but isn't that what terrorism is really all about--attacking our civilization and our way of life?

Further, the night before your flight and at the airport you need to eat two or three bowls of Applebys or Ruby Tuesday Chili, then, traveling in pairs on airline flights at least two hours long, in the the last hour of the flight jump up and yell "Oh Allah my colon's going to explode" and run up the isle and try to use the restroom on the flight.

When they refuse, and after the five fellow passengers finish duct taping you to your seat, just smile and soil your pants leaving a giant stain that Ajax won't remove.

I mean something which will require the replacement of the tray table, seat back (in the upright and locked position), and the seat cushion/flotation device when you're done with it.

Then once you arrive at your destination, have spent your seven hours in interrogation, and have changed into your free Government issued underwear, go out to the rental car counter and ask for the largest truck/van they will rent you.

Be sure to load a couple of packages of radical Muslim propaganda into the trunk and glove box and leave it there for the company to find at the end of the day, then drive to the local fireworks stand off the interstate at the state line and buy $1,000 worth of roman candles, bottle rockets, and Cherry bombs.

Go to your motel room (leaving more fake radical Muslim propaganda on the desk) and pack the fireworks into two or three suitcases fused together, then go to the local mall, go inside, and light the fuse.

Step back and watch the fun.

You'll be arrested, but you'll be out of jail in less than a year, still alive, and will in fact have accomplished almost the exact same result as if you had driven into the building with a 1000 pound bomb.

You see Mr. Terrorist, in addition to being stupid, many Americans are Chicken Shit Cowards, and their reaction is only mirrored in the actions of their leaders, so by doing what I just described six times in a single day, you will have paralyzed the American Air transportation system and shut down the American retail sales system for weeks if not months in the future.

You see, our leaders won't just stop Terrorists with Turbans and poop stains on their flowing robes from coming into malls and getting on airplanes.

NooooOOO Sir.

They will want to force EVERY SINGLE PERSON to use the restroom at the airport at gun point prior to boarding. Heck, because it will become so difficult to fly, many airlines will go out of business else many low volume routes will be eliminated.

Instead of flying non stop from LA to NYC, they'll close the restrooms on planes and chain everyone to their seats and you'll be forced to "hopscotch" your way across the country in one hour segments with mandatory restroom stops along the way.

And all of the Malls will also probably close down and everyone will have to do their shopping on the Internet because you can forget carrying a bag of packages into the Mall to make a return for at least six months to a year without going through a metal detector and playing with a bomb sniffing dog.

Yes Mr. Terrorist Jihadist, many things are possible through Allah's will, and it's the LITTLE things that really get under peoples' and the government's why not give up the 9/11/2010 plan and just wear everyone down with crap like you did this past week?

Makes sense to me, although I'm just a silly middle aged Redneck. Think about it and get back to me if you have any questions, and until then...

Peace Be To Allah,

Virgil Rogers


TSA = Transportation Security Administration TSA = Try...Something...Anything

More Government Induced Stupidity

Would somebody help me get the issue of "Airport/Airline Security" straight in my mind this morning?

You see, I'm a little confused.

Here's what I know so far.

In the time since we got the idiots to stop hijacking airliners to Cuba back in the 1960's and early 70's, we've pretty much not had much problem here domestically except with the occasional mental case or drunk on a domestic commercial flight.

Then on September 11th, 2001 a half dozen shit heads of middle eastern/Muslim descent decided that it would be a good idea after taking some flying lessons to go out and bring some Ace hardware box cutters on board in their carry on luggage and take control of four airliners full of people and crash them into things.

In response to that event the idiots in our government decided to start strip searching pregnant women and elderly grandmothers, then as a follow up performance after another European bastard terrorist wanna-be A.K.A Richard Reid caused them to start making everyone take off their shoes and belts and stagger through the metal detectors with little two ounce bottles of shampoo and toothpaste.

All of that applied to every single person going through the airport while at the same time handling people wearing turbans kneeling on prayer rugs and chanting Allah Akbar etc. etc. with kid gloves as they cruise right through with no additional screening than that given to me, your average Redneck traveler.

That brings us up to this week when some Northern African follower of the Peaceful religion of Islam managed...

In spite of being on the "Terror Watch List"...

and in spite of not having a passport...

and in spite of apparently having to go through screening in Amsterdam (a FOREIGN COUNTRY IF YOU HADN'T NOTICED) and boarding a airline bound for Detroit (AN AMERICAN CITY, IF YOU HADN'T NOTICED)...

Managed to set himself and a few other passengers on fire in a failed attempt to bring the aircraft down.

Before I continue, let me point out that the guy was an idiot for waiting until the aircraft was ten minutes from the airport because any engineer and most people walking around having watched the 1970's "Airport" movies know that the best time to try to explode a Boeing and do the most damage is while it is at altitude--something like 35,000 or 40,000 on a transcontinental flight--not when it's down at 6,000 feet and the air pressure differential between the cabin and the atmosphere is minimal.

Now back to my original point.

I'm hearing and reading this morning that in response to this latest incident the so-called "Homeland Security Secretary" Janet Napolitano and her band of inept government boobies are going to start making everyone stay in their seats for the last hour of the flight and not allow people to have blankets or pillows or Computers or Video Games OR EVEN BOOKS in their laps or hands during that 60 minute period.

I guess that means that if you take the flight from our little Island of St. Simons to Atlanta and the scheduled time is 53 minutes that they're going to lock the bathroom door and make you keep all of your carry on luggage in the overhead bins and under the seat for the duration.

And what about the idiots that travel with their babies and toddlers flopping around in their laps (many times screaming and crying and annoying everyone else on the flight)?

Are these same people which are required by law to strap their kids down in special car seats while DRIVING to the airport at 65 MPH going to finally be FORCED to buy a ticket and lash their little darlin's down while traveling at 500 MPH and 30,000 above the ground?

Probably not, but our idiot government thinks nothing of going through an endless list--yes a veritable plethora...a Cornucopia of FECKLESS, INANE, INEPT processes and procedures designed to do nothing but fail their purpose and further annoy and inconvenience the traveling public.

Unless you wear a rag on your head and have a weird Beard hanging off of your chin, I don't feel one damn bit safer when you and and your Grandmother are forced to walk around in your socks and stockings and be groped by some GED wielding pervert wearing a badge that says TSA.

And if they really enforce that "last hour in your seat rule" they better start buying a few million drums of Clorox and Lysol else start handing out "Depends" adult diapers at the ticket counter because many men and most women can't make it on a three hour flight (particularly the ones that can't resist spending $8 at the Concourse Starbucks on a Latte Grande low fat Soy with Splenda...) without visiting the phone booth sized boxes they call "lavatories."

I guess that on a three hour flight you can forget getting your free micro glass of Coke and tiny bag full of eight peanuts and just expect to sit with someone's butt in your face because for the first TWO HOURS the line to the "lavatory" is going to stretch the entire length of the plane and the stewardesses flight attendants won't be able to trundle that little cart down the isle to get to you.

And not once has anyone at a senior government level offered to do the obvious...SEARCH THE CRAP OUT OF EVERY YOUNG MUSLIM BETWEEN THE AGES OF 12 AND 100, and tell the airlines that if they don't follow the existing rules--the ones enacted after 9/11--their airlines will forbidden from flying to the US or the offending airport will be banned from originating flights to the US.

Forget making God fearing Americans jump through an ever growing list of BS in the name of "security" when the THREAT to security is more than likely coming from OUTSIDE our borders. And the crap going on inside our borders could be reduced or virtually eliminated if these same Government Bureaucrats would control access and entry through the borders...but they won't.

Somebody tell me that I am not right here?

I'm waiting...

I'm telling you people, this is all just another shovel full of stinky, dollar bill encrusted, Grade A, un-homogenized Government Bullshit.

Not only that, but once again they've advertised their intentions so "Yehaa al Abdul" and "Yusha al Ismail" and all their wild eyed Virgin seeking co-horts will do is watch Fox NEWS/CNN and go change their tactics.

I'm sorry, but I have to go now and get a towel to wipe the spit off my monitor and try to think about something else before my head explodes.

That will be all...for now...

Two Down. One To Go.

Better Enjoy It All While It Lasts...

I usually have mixed emotions about the "Holiday Season", and I guess thinking back it generally follows the path of whether I'm an "employee" or a "business owner" when late November rolls around on the calendar each year.

As an "employee" working for someone else and paid with someone else's dollars, the holidays are pretty much a fun break from the 9-5 routine, except on the occasion when as an "employee" I have been responsible for some important aspect of a project (or even the entire project) and the deadline falls during the period from the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Years or shortly thereafter when the holidays and end of the year vacations often times cause me to find myself under staffed and overworked in my efforts to meet the deadline.

As a past and present business owner I can tell you, unless you are in the retail consumer goods business were you count on holiday spending as a significant portion of your annual sales, that as a provider of products and services to the industrial market it VERY hard to make a DIME between mid November and January 2nd because everyone that's not already staying home on vacation has their mind somewhere else most of the days they do show up at their desks and in the past I've had some hellish experiences in product production and delivery as a result.

It's hard to not be like Scrooge this time of year because almost everything stops and you can't find anyone in technical support and your component shipments are delayed because they're caught up in the seasonal rush of packages and mail.

And of course the people in accounts payable responsible for processing vendor invoices and cutting checks and getting you PAID...the original reason you went into business in the first place...are either on vacation or the department is otherwise short handed so basically if you haven't been paid BEFORE CHRISTMAS, in my experience you might as well walk away from the mailbox and not come back until some time after January 1st.

So any way, I've managed to live through Thanksgiving and now Christmas, and all I really want this morning is for this week to fly by and for Monday morning, January 3rd, 2010 to roll around so that....


Yes...YOU there...

YOU reading this posting.

Go...Shoo...close this browser window and GET BACK TO WORK SO I CAN GET SOMETHING DONE MYSELF.


OK, that will be all...for now...