Chemistry Class

I was a smart little bastard when I was growing up.

By using the term “bastard” I don’t mean that I was illegitimate--I had a father that was happily married to and lived at home with my mother for 38 years--I mean I acted like a little bastard some of the time.

Our family had a strict code of conduct and a rigorous policy of corporal punishment—after surviving a summer break there were generally no useable switches within 50 yards of my house by the time I began the new school term each fall, and I EARNED it.

So as I said, I was a little bastard…and I knew things.

Things that would get kids kicked out of school today—possibly without “Zero Tolerance” rules.

Things that could possibly get adults put into jail today.

Take explosives, for example.

When I was about ten or eleven I got my first chemistry set. Some of you out there might not remember chemistry sets because our popular culture today has decided that kids are too stupid (or are little bastards like me) to have chemistry sets.

Not me…

My chemistry set came in a metal box. It had a set of scales that the drug dealers would envy. It had a real alcohol burning Bunsen burner. It had test tubes and beakers and ….finally…it had…get ready…REAL CHEMICALS.

Not only that, but some of the local stores had displays similar to grocery store spice racks selling a virtual cornucopia of chemicals, just in case you ran out of the chemicals that came in your chemistry set, or just in case a little bastard like me found out some new mischief to be had by combining some different assortment of chemicals that weren’t included in the original inventory of your chemistry set.

Using my chemistry set, I learned how to make things…things like gunpowder.

Actually black powder, not smokeless powder like that used in today’s modern ammunition. It was fun, and I don’t think that it was against the law back then.

A little Sulfur, a little Potassium Nitrate, and a little charcoal (carbon), and you had yourself a whole afternoon of fun with the fire ant hills in the back yard and in the woods.

The other thing I learned how to do was take innocent little fireworks, you know—things like lady fingers and “Black Cats”, and twist them open and dump the gunpowder out of them and get myself a real big batch of powder. You could also take “sparklers” and break the magnesium powder coating off of them with a HAMMER (I was so stupid) and make yourself another pile of fun powder.

Then you packaged it all up in a tennis ball cut in half or a spay paint can lid taped closed with masking tape, took that sucker out in the woods to a convenient ant hill, and fired that sucker off.

Fire ants flew dozens of yards.

I didn’t think that fire ants could fly, but those son-of-a-guns sure did. The important thing is that I didn’t use my knowledge against other peoples’ property, other people, and I wasn’t stupid enough to do (most of) it at school.

I think that you will find that our modern society’s homes and businesses are full of substances that, when misused, can produce disastrous results. Mix a little household ammonia and some Clorox bleach together and see how long you keep breathing in your bathroom while cleaning the old toilet bowl. (Please don’t try that.)

Georgia just passed a law forcing pharmacies to place common antihistamines like Pseudofed and Actifed behind the counter because the “speed freaks” and drug dealers are using the substances to make Crystal Meth, a powerful and addictive stimulant.

Regarding explosives, the Oklahoma City bomber, Timothy McVey, taught the general public that diesel fuel and common fertilizer, combined in the right proportions and quantities, could knock down an entire building.

Didn’t they kill his miserable ass recently?

I think so, but I won’t waste my time Googling his name tonight.

After the 9/11 attack in NY City, my fellow amateur model rocketers have been prohibited by the Homeland Security Act from purchasing and possessing substantial quantities of Ammonium Perchlorate and launching rockets with solid rocket motors containing over 62.5 grams of propellant.

Why?

Because they (Washington) are afraid that someone, operating under the guise of a “model rocketeer” will build their own “anti-aircraft” rocket and shoot down a 747. I say that’s a bunch of horse hockey…that it would be one of the luckiest shots in the world, and with all of the RPG’s and other shoulder mounted weapons available on the black market, it is ridiculous to have a bunch of nerds with their toy rockets limited by Washington’s ATF black suits.

Yet that is reality today.

Now the latest wild eyed, towel headed, Islamo Fascist bombers actions in London are going to end up making the purchase of drain cleaner (sulfuric acid), paint thinner (acetone), and hydrogen peroxide (sore toe cleanser) illegal, or at least cause you to risk receiving a visit from the ATF agents. (I’ll save you the Google search and give you the link to the recipe here)

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, passing new laws outlawing minute details (like gun control and hate crimes) when the core behavior is already against the law is futile. You don’t want smart guys like my friend Tripp and I losing our minds, deciding to break the law, and coming after you with the intent to kill or otherwise harm you, regardless of what the weapon is.

Shoe laces, light bulbs, pork chops, the list is endless of the ways I could hurt you--the shelves at Wal mart would be empty if we don't all get a grip. If we keep going with the legislation, the game of baseball will ultimately be illegal--because it could be illegal to own a baseball bat without a federal license one day…

Know what I mean?