Buzzard Flu—Just More Media Static?

Don’t worry…just change the channel…

As I’ve said dozens of times before, I have a love hate relationship with the mainstream media.

In fact, I LOVE to HATE the mainstream media.

It seems to me, looking in from the outside, that they (most of the media professionals) are complete idiots, or else they intentionally write, deliver, and/or broadcast inaccurate, incomplete, or otherwise incorrect information.

As they say: “If it Bleeds, It Leads…”

I say that if you’re going to write something like “THE SKY IS FALLING!”, you should provide some background information supporting your allegations and possibly suggest a remedy or otherwise list the manufacturers of umbrellas and hardhats for your readers' use.

That’s not the way it always works, however.

Instead, they toss out a hysterical story, imply ominous consequences, and then end the story with a “we’re all gonna die and there’s nothing we can do because the mean old Republicans chose tax cuts for the rich over scaffolding for the heavens—they don’t care about ANYBODY.”

Pleeeaaaassssseee…

So where exactly does that leave you and me?

Well, being a professional beach bum, I have all day to read multiple news sources and hopefully figure out what the heck is really going on with a given story rather than just tossing off my clothing and running screaming into the ocean or off to the mountains.

Take this new “Bird Flue” scare for instance.

What exactly are we supposed to be afraid of?

Sex with strange Chickens?

Kissing strange Geese?

No problem, I already have a girlfriend to whom I’m monogamously committed. She’s a chick, but she’s far from being a chicken.

So really, what exactly are we supposed to do besides worry and huddle our children in the bathroom in the basement?

Do the news reports tell you anything other than that President Bush , the FDA, the FBI, the FDIC, the CIA, and the Agriculture department are all in the process of furrowing their sweaty brows as they petition congress for extra tax money to protect “children” and “the elderly” from this new virus threat.

NOOOOOOO….

Not to worry, because I’m here to calm your fears with a few facts and some suggestions

First, remember the complete and total bust that last years “Flu Virus” shortage was?

As I recall, last fall the media was predicting that we’d all be hacking our lungs out and puking our guts out because there was a government induced shortage of the regular yearly flu vaccine.

After all of the hysteria, what actually ended up happening?

There was a surprisingly light flu season, extra vaccine was imported, and the whole matter is now been forgotten as yet another stupid-assed asterisk on the report card of modern media credibility.

See what I mean? So what are you worrying about now?

I have some suggestions regarding steps my household will be taking this winter to avoid any pesky problems with “bird flu.”

*First, don’t talk to any strange birds, even if they are cute little African Grey Parrots like my fellow blogger Steve’s bird Marvin over at Hog On Ice.

* Eat beef and pork (the other white meat) exclusively rather than poultry.

* Change the TV channel every time the Purdue chicken commercials come on.

* Turn the TV off else don’t watch any news programs or read the newspapers.

* Or just take a fist full of pain pills and sleep the flue season away.

* Don't travel to Vietnam or anywhere else in Asia where birds are free to roam around loose in peoples under clothing.

I believe that, everything else being equal, if we'll all just stay calm and mind our own business, we've got more concern about global warming, lightning strikes, shark and gator bites, child molesters, getting abducted in Aruba, and possibly tornadic winds blowing a mobile home on top of our gas guzzling SUV's while we're standing in line paying $4.00 a gallon for foreign oil.

Gosh, I feel better already...