Ramifications & Repercussions

Circumstantial Evidence


Well ladies and gentlemen, it’s now official.

I now hold the title of “Neighborhood Pool Nazi.”

This being the beginning of our third summer spending 90% of my time lounging like a turtle poolside, I’m living, breathing proof that some people aspire to greatness, while others have it thrust upon them sit around and are smacked in the head with it while they’re taking a nap.

It’s a title that I’ve not really worked very hard at obtaining, but I did pass up the positions of “old neighborhood bastard” and various and sundry subordinate positions of “second lieutenant curmudgeon of this or that” because they were already substantially occupied by other long term residents of our condo complex.

The position (“neighborhood pool Nazi”) doesn’t actually pay anything in financial remuneration, but it does have its benefits, and it’s basically the only “unofficial” official title that can be had if you’re under the age of one hundred fifty.

I’ve learned from past experience that basically no one pays any attention to the swimming pool out here except for me, and as a result a bunch of stupid things have happened in the past that could have been prevented if someone…anyone…would spend twenty minutes once a month just walking past the pool area and making a couple of phone calls.

For instance, last year the pool service contractor did their usual crappy job (because no one was paying any attention) and the pool water turned green from an algae bloom and the pool was closed over the FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND.

What total stupid crap—of all times to make sure the pool is in good shape, one would expect that the holiday weekends would be a priority, but nnnoooooooooooo—that would require organization and make sense.

The year before last the county inspector came in and had an absolute shit fit conniption fit poolside because of a half dozen violations that the stupid asshole property manager, Mr. Steve Kendall, said that he didn’t have time to worry about.

(I am making an exception to my standard privacy policy in naming Mr. Kendall in this posting since he has directly insulted me several times without provocation and he is a textbook example of an incompetent, unprofessional, useless asshole when it comes to performing real estate property management. I feel that I’m performing a public service by mentioning his qualifications, or the lack thereof.)

It has taken me twenty seven months conducting a constant drumbeat of rhetoric and commentary directed at the board of directors and the new property management company to get the pool brought up to the functional and safety standards expected of a community swimming pool that also in theory serves the public.

One emergency telephone, one life ring, a fence repair and paint job, 48 sets of keys to the pool house restrooms, a few lounge chairs here or there, and we almost have a first class operation on our hands.

The total cost, not including my time and efforts, was $1.99 less than $3,000.

Hurray for me…

I basically been cruising along on autopilot, until today when I sat quietly poolside and watched our pool service guy spend a good fifteen minutes vacuuming the pool, dumping a few handfuls of chemicals into the water, and then get in his truck and drive away WITHOUT TESTING THE POOL WATER CHEMISTRY.

WTF?

You have to understand that “community swimming pools” are required by law to have the pool water chemistry tested EVERY DAY, but we settle for testing twice each week because thus far it has been impractical and expensive to have it done daily. (I’ve also offered to test the water myself if they would supply me with the test materials.)

I’m making a phone call tomorrow morning and arranging to have a little prayer meeting with the owner/manager of the pool service company. If I don’t get the quality of the pool service improved and we spend another holiday weekend with a green swimming pool, I guarantee you that I’ll relegate his company to the same status like “former” property manager Kendall’s operation.

The other thing I intend to do is kick a few asses when it comes to the behavior of some of our residents' and guests' children. For some reason that is beyond my understanding, the current pool rules state that “children under the age of 10 YEARS must have adult supervision.”

WTF?

I’m extremely tired of watching other people’s little bastards little darlins while they hide in their condos--peeking out of the curtains to make sure that a drowning isn't in progress else sitting dozens of yards away from their prodigy with their nose buried in a book.

Late yesterday afternoon I was walking back over across the parking lot to the pool with Pat and from a distance I heard children’s blusterous voices and I observed what I thought was a plastic deck chair flying through the air into the pool.

Then from a distance of about twenty yards I saw a plastic table land in the pool. I announced my presence while still hidden behind the pool house with a shout of “THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!”

As I turned the corner at the fence gate I saw the stupid little fat assed 13 year old bastard Jake lovely young Master Jake (Sally’s son) emerging from the pool with a table in his hands. (As a matter of undeserved respect, I’m omitting last names here.)

Having already crossed swords with me many times in the past, I wasn’t surprised that stupid little fat assed 13 year old bastard Jake young Master Jake then re-entered the pool and extracted yet another table (not a chair as I had first thought) and then proceeded to collect his towel and belongings and he exited the pool deck without uttering a single solitary word.

Jake’s stupid bitch clueless mother lovely mother Sally, who had witnessed the goings on from the living room of her adjacent condo, then pulled the curtains.

Jake’s stupid bitch clueless mother lovely mother Sally had already accosted me and complained a couple of summers ago for my public commentary about stupid fat assed bastard Jake young Master Jake’s propensity to throw anything that was not tied down into the pool.

Jake’s stupid bitch clueless mother lovely mother Sally averred that it was just an unfortunate coincidence that things always ended up in the pool after stupid little fat assed bastard Jake her offspring visited our complex. Apparently gravity increased it’s affect on items on the pool deck and they just jumped or were otherwise drawn into the pool waters on their own.

Jake’s summer is going to be long and quite miserable if I have anything to say about it.

After all, a “Neighborhood Pool Nazi’s” job is never done.