Tuesday, July 13, 2010

New Underwear

Boxers Or Briefs?

So I was sitting here this morning looking at my "middle aged to-do" list.

By "middle aged" I don't mean anything like a "bucket list" where you write down the stuff you do before you die.

MY PERSONAL "middle aged to-do" list...something of my own creation every week or so...includes things like this (and I'm not making this up):

#1 Shave/Trim Beard

#2 Build 4 valves

#3 Pool Filter Parts

#4 Cut Tree off of Roof

#5 Underwear

#6 Cologne

#7 Black Ink Cartridge

There was some other personal and professional (or un-professional depending on your point of view) stuff on there I'm omitting this morning for the purposes of clarity and brevity and because I don't want anyone thinking "eewwwwwwww" but still...


I have deodorant, so don't be too afraid but I am out of Cologne right now and have been for several weeks.

Comes from being old and in a relationship I guess.

And I have underwear and some most of the time it's clean but right now ladies and gentlemen, if I were ever to be in an automobile accident or just have a stroke and drop down half dead in public, my MOTHER would be thinking she hadn't raised her son right due to the number of holes and the amount of elastic showing around the waistband ( or on underwear is it wasteband? ) on many of the pairs.

Wait a minute...changing the subject "briefly" (excuse the pun), but why is it a "pair" of underwear when if you are a man it's a single item?

I can see where a women might wear a "pair" of underwear (if she wore any at all) and that would be panties and a bra, but with men it's different, and I haven't gotten large enough yet in my ever growing girth to need or want to wear a bra and even if they start making "men's bras" I'll just go in for my first Tummy Tuck and get the discount breast reduction surgery option while I'm at it.

Got it? OK...back to my original train wreck of thought...so I'm out of Cologne and getting close to being short of inventory in the underwear department, but you know what else?

I absolutely hate going to the mall.

Further, I hate shopping for clothes in general. I don't even look at clothing sites on the Internet unless I have to.

I wish Home Depot and Lowe's sold more clothes (I bought a set of overalls from Home Depot.) so I could pick up potted plants and fertilizer and sixteen penny nails and a three pack of size 38 briefs in Home Depot Orange color and just be done with it.

And that brings up another thing...Is it against the law in Tennessee to have an integral "nail pouch" on underwear....wait no...we won't go there...never mind...

That was the only dang thing I really liked about being in the military was that if you would take care of them and wash and iron or send out to the dry cleaners the Navy would FIX YOU UP with some spiffy sets of clothes.


Underwear included.

And that White Dress Uniform like Richard Gere wore in "Officer and A Gentleman" would get most men ten dates in about five seconds from women they had never ever seen before in their entire lives.

Unfortunately I was such a skinny young dork at the time that my dorkdom more than offset the "chick magnet" factor of the Dress Whites but still...

So back to our story...I'm sitting here this morning procrastinating and avoiding going down into the shop where I should be working right now instead of blogging by making out my newest "middle aged to-do list" and trying to catch up, and dang it if cologne and underwear aren't still on this list just like the were when I wrote the last to-do list on June 16th.

Imagine that?

But you'll be happy to know that I did build the valves and I've shaved several times since then, and my printer will print things using black ink now.

Oh...and the tree is long gone off the roof.

But I swear to God that these day's if I don't write things down I've forgotten more stuff than many people ever knew, and I don't know what I know and that I know it unless I write it down.

If someone came to my house and stole my list(s) I'd probably be found a few weeks later, lost, and wandering somewhere in north Alabama looking for Boxer Shorts and some Old Spice.

Can anyone help me?

I hope this rant gives you a chuckle, and y'all have a LOVELY day now...if you will...(I got to go work on a PLC panel)

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