A Bad Case of Krampus Runs

No, I’m not talking about an exotic intestinal disorder here, but I did have to read this Wall Street Journal Editorial story a couple of times in disbelief.

"SALZBURG, Austria--The holiday season has arrived in Salzburg with its quaint Christmas markets, cheery brass ensembles, steaming mugs of Gluhwein, and, of course, the perennial Krampus debate, which, when stripped of cultural nuance, can be summarized as follows: Should inebriated young men in oversized gorilla suits, with grotesquely carved, horned visages the size of a buffalo head and clanging cowbells strapped to their midrift, be allowed to assault women in public with impunity, generally to the merriment of crowds of onlookers, except, of course, for those who are shrieking or fleeing in terror?"

"The Krampus is to Salzburg what the bull is to Pamplona, an oversized beast that sends an adrenaline rush of terror through the cobblestone streets of the old town, all in the name of cultural heritage. For a full week during the start of the holiday season, scores of Krampuses stalk the cobbled ways of Salzburg and its surrounding villages. The Krampus is a hybrid-beast of pagan origins that has been affixed to the Christmas season and looks like he stepped out of the pages of Maurice Sendak's "Where the Wild Things Are." Only instead of inviting young boys for midnight monster romps, they stalk young women, fondling them, throwing them over their shoulders and whipping them with wooden switches until their shins and thighs are black and blue. They prowl the streets, wander onto public buses, and storm downtown restaurants where, after assaulting female patrons, they are treated to free schnapps to fuel their further fury. The anonymity provided by the Krampus mask combined with increasing amounts of alcohol consumption is not only feeding the violence but also a debate about this bizarre pagan holdover from a less civilized era."

Can you believe that something like this is still going on in 2004? Read the entire story and let me know if I’m missing something here. I’m not suggesting that a new law be passed or that we begin military intervention, but where the heck are Martha Burke, Jane Fonda, the National Organization of Women, and the rest of the "Feminazis" when you really need them?

Instead of wasting our time busting the chops of the Augusta National Golf Club and holding endless meetings on perceived woman’s inequalities like “glass ceilings,” I say that Mrs. Burke and her followers should immediately charter a Delta Airlines flight to Frankfort for a session of getting their butts pinched and their ankles switched by a sweaty Austrian in a horned gorilla suit.

Who knows, she might enjoy the cultural experience.

Come to think of it, maybe this is really just a TSA security screener training exercise designed to teach new recruits how to pat down women travelers at airport checkpoints.

Well, it could be…