Is This What Things Are Coming To?

"NEW YORK - "Access Hollywood" has named its "Top Ten Stars of 2004," with Britney Spears (news) in the No. 1 spot. The rankings are based on the number of stories the syndicated entertainment television show aired on each star. Spears — who was married twice, canceled a summer tour because of a knee injury and released a greatest hits album — topped the list with 119 stories.

Beyonce is in the No. 2 spot, with 102 stories, followed by Donald Trump, 94 stories; Michael Jackson (news), 84 stories; Tom Cruise (news), 72 stories; Jessica Simpson (news), 69 stories; Paris Hilton, 63 stories; Nicole Kidman, 62 stories; Jennifer Lopez (news), 54 stories; and Whitney Houston, 52 stories."

Ok, ok, ok. Picture me yelling out the words as I write these next few paragraphs. I’m going to write my own “Access St. Simons” description of “Access Hollywood’s” Top Ten Stars of 2004…

Britney Spears—Number 1 Pop Music Trash Slut and the primary contributor to the delinquency of 14 year old girls everywhere.

Beyonce—I don’t know who the hell this (he or she?) is and don’t care to waste a Google search looking.

Donald Trump—Ego Maniac Numero Uno and poster boy for the worst big hair comb-over on prime time TV. If I had his money, you’d need radar, a devining rod, an x-ray machine, and possibly ESP in order to attempt to locate me on my private island and get a picture to publish...this fool runs toward the TV cameras.

Michael Jackson—Living proof that enough cash can destroy your body and cover up almost any perversion 99% of the time. (I think that he is about to visit with the 1% negative odds in 2005)

Tom Cruise—Who cares, since I don’t ogle men (ditto for Jeff Gordon who didn’t make the list.)

Jessica Simpson—Any relation to Bart Simpson? Means about as much to me...

Paris Hilton—Britney should be so proud of her mindless bimbo protégé.

Nicole Kidman—Oh Mr. Cruise, control your woman…

Jennifer Lopez—Another so called “pretty” face attached to a set of surgically altered mammary glands that in my mind has a great deal of trouble justifying the oxygen she consumes. If I hear some gushing story about “J Low” one more time I’m gonna barf.

Whitney Houston—Living proof of the steep cost of drug abuse. Yet another parents’ nightmare “role model” for young girls everywhere.

And my own number eleven candidate:

Martha Stewart—A textbook case of a pompus, arrogant, self-aggrandizing bitch that broke the law, went to jail, and will make a tidy profit in the process.

Would someone please tell me why the hell any of these largely dysfunctional, mindless individuals are worthy of the amount of news coverage, public hype, and adulation that they get to begin with?

Is it because they make large amounts of money?

Or is it because a large percentage of our population is suffering from a terminal case of stupidity?

Since I can't earn one red cent watching the antics of these denizens of celebrity pop culture, I believe I’ll just stay out here in my own little piece of paradise and enjoy keeping my name out of the newspaper and off of the TV screen.

How about you?