Democratic Rebuttal Scorecard

Years ago, when I was still a young, uninformed moron that spent most of my time working and my free time smoking a bong and watching the evening network news, I used to consider the President’s State of The Union Address a fairly boring exercise

Not any more—I’m going to relish every single word President Bush utters tomorrow night. Then, somewhat reluctantly, I’m going to sit back and cringe my way through the “Democratic Rebuttal.” .

You know, “The Democratic Rebuttal?” Yes, THAT part of the TV broadcast. That’s right, the part following the slanted, biased media analysis when the Democrats trod out some supposedly moderate member of their party (what, you thought that they’d let Ted Kennedy do it himself?) to drone on endlessly about the errors in the President’s statements while they punctuate their standard list of half-truths and leftist talking points.

The only thing positive about enduring the State of the Union Rebuttal phase is the possibility of getting a few good belly laughs and obtaining a potential goldmine of blog topics.

Since some of my readers may still be inclined to partake of smokeable herbs and continue to insist on getting their news from the networks rather (but not Dan Rather) than Fox News, I’ve decided to offer some assistance in understanding how to intelligently view the President’s State of the Union Address.

Just like the newspaper articles published before the Olympics where they tell you about how each sporting event is conducted and outline the scoring of each event, I would like to offer the following scorecard for your use in scoring the content of president’s speech and the obligatory Democratic rebuttal.

First things first. Like the gymnastic, figure skating, or high diving events at the Olympics, there are different degrees of difficulty for each topic addressed that will yield greater points if they intelligently address the issue in a believable manner. There are also points awarded for quality of execution and/or artistic interpretation. You simply write down the points associated with a given issue’s difficulty and then score the execution based on how well it is developed. There are also mandatory topics that must be addressed else you deduct the associated points from the total score as a penalty for the omission.

With that said, let’s get started…

____________ State Of The Union Broadcast Scorecard ______________

PRELIMINARY EVENTS--Domestic Issues (all mandatory)
5 points each

1. The Economy in General--The president will likely say that the economy is booming.

The democrats will flap their arms and cry in their soup. People are starving, you know?

2. Job Creation—The President will brag about the millions of jobs created in the past year.

The Democrats will cry further in their soup over the replacement of high paying rust belt union jobs with herds of four foot tall telecommuting Indian chicks with red dots on their foreheads.

3. Minimum Wages—The President will brag that millions of entrepreneurs have started their own businesses after leaving minimum wage “crutch” jobs they worked after being "downsized" or "outsourced.".

The Democrats will complain that it is impossible to raise a family of five working at McDonalds or as a maid at the Econolodge while at the same time saving enough money to retire to the eastern shore of Jersey.

4. Taxes—The President will point to recent Congressional Budget Office projections of increased tax revenues and projected reductions in the deficit.

The Democrats will lament that, in spite of virtually half of the population being exempt from paying income taxes, "working families" still have to pay sales taxes, property taxes, and gas taxes.

Even worse, the “working poor” are still forced to pay social security taxes, unemployment taxes, and Medicare taxes. It just ain’t fair that the people that consume 99% of these services still have to pay for them--when and if they are employed.

5. Social Security—The President will tout the new Prescription Drug "entitlement" Plan and propose a bold new plan to privatize a part of Social Security and to allow our youngest citizens to eventually opt out entirely.

The Democrats will ask: “Problems with Social Security…what problems…there are no problems with Social Security…well, not at least until a loooonggg time after we are out of office—let them worry about it. (And by the way, HEY GRANDMA—BUSH WANTS TO TAKE AWAY YOUR CHECK SO YOU HAD BETTER VOTE FOR US NEXT TIME…)

6. Welfare—The President will say that fewer and fewer people are spending a lifetime on the Welfare rolls because the economy is booming (see #1 above.)

The Democrats will say that people are out there feeding themselves and their kids dirt and that they can’t afford their daily 64 oz bottles of Schlitz malt liquer while wearing the $200 Nikes and sporting the latest new gold tooth…Oh the Humanity!

7. Education vis a vis “No Child Left Behind”—The President will say that we just need to spend more money on education and everything will be OK.

The Democrats, while vehemently disagreeing with the President, will say that if we just spend more money on education that everything will be OK.

8. Illegal Immigration—The president will offer to tattoo a small likeness of his brother Jeb on the forehead of every illegal worker in the US in an effort to set “guest worker” documentation standards for employers.

The Democrats will offer to buy every illegal immigrant family a lowered F-150 pickup with 20” spinner rims and their name in shiny fancy letters on the back window.

As an option, for those "undocumented workers" with families larger than 8, they can get a low mileage van or SUV if they will promise to immediately drive their friends and family back to where ever they came from and not come back until it's time to help get a Democrat elected president.


EXTRA CREDIT—World Issues (10 Points Each)

I. The War in Iraq

A. Reasons for the war—Since the President has covered this ground so many times previously that he is walking in a hip-deep ditch when he goes over it again, he intentionally omits the topic. (Automatic 10 point deduct)

The Democrats utter their classic Ted Kennedy hit: Lies, lies, and more lies. (Al Gore makes a special guest appearance to sing his hit tune “They Betrayed Us…)

B. The recent Iraqi election—The President will extol the 60% voter turnout and low levels of terror attacks.

The Democrats will demand a hand recount (what, they counted by hand already?) and Jessie Jackson will lament the disenfranchisement of Black Muslim voters.

C. Exit Strategy—The President will insist that we are in Iraq to finish what we started.

The Democrats, declaring the “War on Terror” as being over with, will insist on an immediate invasion of Jamaica in an unprecedented ramping up of the “War on Drugs.” Ted Kennedy will demonstrate evidence examination by smoking a water pipe.

II. Iran—The President will sing his new hit song “Ayatollah” which sounds surprisingly like the tune to the Knacks’ 1979 hit song My Sharona. British Prime Minister Tony Blair will make a guest appearance to lip sync the words on the second verse.

The Democrats won’t be able to resist singing the backup vocals to the Presidents song. Hey, at least they all agreed on something…what we call a "bi-partisan" effort at last.

III. Syria—The second verse of the President’s "Ayatollah" song will cover this topic.

The Democrats will state emphatically that there are no WMD’s in Syria because Germany and France told them so

IV. Korea—The third verse of "Ayatollah" will address the President's fantasy of covering Kim Jong Il (and Fidel Castro) with Crisco (can you say Crisco Castro five times real fast?) and throwing them buck-naked into the Gorilla habitat at the Atlanta Zoo. A new form of détente, perhaps?

The Democrats will place an emergency call to Jimmy Carter and tattle…

V. China—The President omits this topic because the network censors refused to allow him to lip-sync the Vapors’ song I’m Turning Japanese (and besides, the topic was China, not Japan--and no, all Orientals do NOT look the same to Texans.)

VI. Israel/Palistine—The president places a checkered table cloth on his head and does his best Yasser Arafat impression. The Secrete Service arrests Howard Dean for wrestling President Bush to the ground in an effort to obtain what he believes to be Arafat’s autograph.

The Democrats then send Senator Robert “pretty pretty” Byrd running through the room in his grand dragon costume screaming “THERE WAS NO HOLOCAUST” at the top of his lungs. The Secret Service has to re-restrain a howling, salivating Howard Dean.

VII. The EU and the United Nations were intentionally omitted from the president's speech. (Deduct 20 points)

The Democrats send John Kerry and Ted Kennedy tap dancing through the room offering to kiss the ass of anyone from any country other than the US.
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Well, that about covers it, ladies and gentlemen—my State of The Union Broadcast Scorecard.

A veritable consumers guide to the President’s State of the Union Address. Let’s all go watch it and then check back later and tell me how it did.

This should be fun…