Potty Parity

You’ll be relieved to know that Mayor Michael A Bloomburg and the NY City Council are getting into the bathroom business.

I’m so excited. I almost wet my pants…

Well, not really (they aren’t ACTUALLY in the bathroom business and my pants are still quite dry.)

What the New York City officials ARE doing is passing a new law that tells business owners how many toilets they must have in their buildings.

“The City Council and Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg have agreed on proposed legislation to ease an inequality that has plagued women since the dawn of the porcelain age: long lines at bathrooms in public places.

The deal, first reported by The New York Post on Wednesday, would make New York City one of a growing number of jurisdictions across the country to bring so-called potty parity to restrooms in public places.

Officially titled the Women's Restroom Equity Bill, the legislation would require bars, opera and concert halls, movie houses, theaters, dance halls, stadiums and a variety of other buildings to provide roughly two bathroom stalls available to women for every stall or urinal available to men.

"I think it's very important, because New York City tends to set the standard, as they did when they banned smoking, which was immediately followed in many other jurisdictions," said John F. Banzhaf III, a professor of public interest law at George Washington University who has studied the issue. “

Good old New York City--setting another standard. Pluueeaassseee…

I have mixed emotions on this issue. I certainly don’t want my girlfriend, mother, sister or grandmother suffering unnecessarily due to the lack of adequate restroom facilities.

BUT…

For some strange reason I believe that the actual causes of most if not all of this perceived “Women’s Restroom Inequity” are the women themselves, and adding additional porcelain isn’t going to go very far toward alleviating the problem.

SO…

On behalf of men everywhere I would like to ask this question of Women:

WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING IN THE BATHROOM THAT COULD POSSIBLY TAKE SO LONG?

Ok, don’t answer that question in too much detail—but with all due respect, here is my proposed solution to the problem, and it doesn’t involve passing laws, opening the wallets of building owners, or adding any additional toilets.

Ladies, the next time you have to go to the restroom to answer the call of nature (the only reason REAL men go to the restroom,) try taking these steps:

1. Walk quickly and calmly through the door to the bathroom

2. Ignore the mirror

3. Walk to the stall

4. Finish your business with authority and diligence

5. Quickly view your face and hair in the mirror as you wash and dry your hands, then get the heck out of the bathroom, avoiding eye contact and soul searching conversations with anyone else that might happen to coincidentally be visiting the facilities at the same time (after all, there’s probably a Starbucks or Chick Fillet outside around the corner if you need to have a chat and catch up with your sorority sister’s life story.)

See, that wouldn't be so hard to do, you know?

I’m open to criticism, so tell me if I’m mistaken or overlooking something here on this issue. I mean, what can possibly be so darned difficult about going to the restroom and finishing your business in a quick and efficient manner?

If the truth was actually told, is suspect that 90% of the time the reason that there is a line to the Women’s Restroom at places like bars, theaters, and concert halls is because the rooms are full of girls chit-chatting while vainly and unnecessarily screwing around with their hair and makeup. Am I wrong?

If so, why don't they just leave the number of stalls alone and make the building owners hire a couple of "meter maids" to monitor bathroom loitering. Or maybe they could install timers on the doors of the Women's Restroom--sorta like parking meters--and charge by the minute with the first five minutes being free and each additional minute costing a dollar or so?

I think that I'm on to something here, Guys.

And by the way, I have one more suggestion:

Ladies, the next time you pass through the restroom (diligently following steps 1 through 6 outlined above), observe the behavior of the other women using the facility and politely encourage them to “get the heck out” when you see restroom clogging behavior.

And finally, I have to fall back on my favorite old standard canard…

No where in the US Constitution do I see any words that say that American's have the God given right to “life, liberty, and a short line to the restroom.”

Restrooms in privately owned buildings are not now and should not in the future become the governments’ business.