Cranky Observations

I’m crankier than usual today, and those that know me can appreciate this condition.

I forced myself to wash the months old crust of dirt and dust off of the old Chevy Suburban yesterday and I think that I over did it. That, and an extended shopping trip on Saturday to “Big Lots” and Wal Mart, and I feel like I worked digging ditches all weekend.

I’m such a wimp…I've realized that my medical recovery unfortunately has a long way to go.

I wandered over to the Harris Teeter this afternoon before going by the medical lab to get my new “regular” bi-weekly blood work and forgot my credit card, so I had to turn around and limp back home only to start the entire trip over twenty minutes later.

This was supposed to be a quick trip—no such luck.

Fortunately I somehow managed to get the same good “normal” parking space both times at Harris Teeter.

Imagine that? I get excited about the silliest things.

By “normal” parking space I mean the closest parking space that doesn’t have a blue handicapped marking or the “reserved for expectant mothers and the infirm” designation.

What the hell does that mean? Who (or whom) the heck gets to decide who (or whom) can be defined as being "infirm?"

What about some good parking spaces reserved for mean old cranky middle aged white guys?

I have this theory that if every single handicapped person in the entire world drove their cars (or vans or had their cars or vans driven for them) into the retail world at the same time, there is no way in heck that they could fill up all of the blue painted spaces there are out there.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want true handicapped people crawling across my car hood on their stomachs to get to the CVS pharmacy, but why does Home Depot have the first four spaces on EVERY SINGLE ROW of parking spaces painted blue?

Is it just me?

I guess that I could be presently categorized as “infirm,” and some of my college buddies might argue that I’ve been mentally infirm for quite some time, but I’ll be darned if I’ll park in one of those spaces and risk having someone say something to me because dozens of years of built up parking lot frustration would likely erupt from every pore in my body and someone would possibly get hurt.

Any way, I noticed that the nonsensical work of what I call the "shopping cart morons" was evident everywhere today.

You know what I mean by “shopping cart morons”, don’t you? You're not one, are you?

"Shopping cart morons" are people that are either too busy or too darned self important to be bothered with returning their shopping cart to the front of the store or to the racks conveniently located at intervals in the parking lot.

These people are the ones responsible for the carts you find residing in the middle of the parking space you want to park in or for the cart you find resting against the driver’s door or quarter panel of your car or truck when you return to the parking lot after concluding your shopping adventure.

I often have to restrain myself from wanting to holler obscenities at grandmothers and women herding multiple toddlers because of this behavior. What the heck can be so important that you can’t spend forty five or sixty seconds parking your shopping cart where it won’t cost me two thousand dollars worth of body work?

I came up with a high tech solution to this problem this afternoon…

SMART CARTS.

That’s right, Smart Carts—think Stephen King’s novel Christine about the car that came to life and was jealous.

Here’s how they (the Smart Cart) would work.

When you pick up a SMART CART inside the store you have to scan your customer affinity card (VIC, Kroger, Piggly Wiggly, etc.) or other ID. In addition to knowing where you live and that you buy eight liters of wine each week, the Smart Cart can assist you in other ways. It could remember your normal shopping list and it could show you a little digital map with things like where the stock boys put the Cheese Whiz and Ritz crackers when they rearranged the cookie isle last week. A truly invaluable service any day in my book.

But the fun really begins when a Smart Cart exits the building into the parking lot. You see, the Smart Cart KNOWS that it is outside and starts tracking its progress and proximity to all of its fellow Smart Carts, as well as the location of the cart racks and its home base in the store.

Once the shopper has concluded their enjoyable shopping experience, the Smart Cart, knowing that it is empty, awaits being returned to a rack or to the store.

Now here’s my favorite part.

When you park the Smart Cart where it belongs, no problem, but God have mercy on your mortal soul if you choose to leave your Smart Cart standing unattended in the parking lot.

Why, you might ask?

Ever seen a swarm of hornets or bees?

Yes sir-reeee, one of MY Smart Carts will accomplish its ultimate goal and pursue your ignorant, pompus, self-important ass, AND the car that you happen to be riding or driving in. Not only that, but the Smart Cart will call for assistance from the other Smart Carts in the parking lot.

Remember my swarm of bee’s analogy?

When my Smart Carts get through with you and your car, you will NEVER, EVER, EVER leave a shopping cart unattended or otherwise misbehave while shopping in a public place again.

Ever see the Alfred Hitchcock movie, "The Birds?"

Well, it seems like a good idea to me…