Parking Lot Etiquette

The Privileged Few…

Say that you’ve managed to live a few hundred years (ok, sixty or seventy years) and you come down here to St. Simons to visit a couple of times each year.

We (the "locals") realize that you think that you’ve got special privileges.

Better yet, maybe you’re fortunate enough to actually own a place on East Beach or Sea Island and you just know that you’re head and shoulders more important that the rest of all the unwashed masses that visit on vacation or rent a condo year round like we do.

You’ve got extra special privileges too—privileges relating to ignoring the rules of common driving courtesy. And especially when it comes to driving your $80,000 car around in places like the grocery store parking lot, a place that I frequent three or four times a week.

Based on my observations over the past 21 months here on St. Simons Island, I proudly present for your review the following:

The Wealthy, Pompus, Arrogant Old Geezer’s & Gezerette’s Bill of Driving & Parking Rights

1. When entering a crowded parking lot and not finding an available space in the first five seconds, feel free to park in the fire lane next to the curb. Who cares if you left your temporary handicapped pass on the mirror of your Escalade. Your BMW doesn’t take up too much room and people can just drive around you when they see your emergency flashers. (Causing a twenty minute traffic jam in front of the store due to the cramped layout of the parking lot is no reason to get a clue and move while your passenger does your shopping.)

2. When driving up a one way parking lane in the opposite direction, feel free to execute a three point U-turn to take a space that I’ve been waiting on for three minutes while one of your fellow geezers/gezeretts fiddles with their spare tire and rear view mirrors. Also don’t worry if your three point U-turn turns out to require eight or ten cycles of two foot zigzags to complete. After all, you’ve earned the right to make OTHER PEOPLE WAIT on you at your advanced age, high income, and superior social status.

3. When I’m walking through the parking lot, don’t bother yourself with slowing down below 35 MPH or pausing if I’m already half way across the lane in front of you. Again, with your advanced age, far be it for me to cause your waste a single minute of your limited remaining time here on God’s green planet, and besides--I really need the exercise gained doing ten yard wind sprints and the high jump over your Lexus’ fender.

4. When you’ve parked your car (following rules 1 thru 3 above), realize that when walking into the store you also have very special rights. For instance, what you don’t see can’t possibly hurt you. To this end, you can do things like walking slowly down the middle of the parking isle, pausing to greet every single stranger like they are your long lost college roommate. Have a five minute conversation if you want to, I'll wait.

5. Once you’ve finished your shopping (extending all of your special privileges to the inside of the grocery store and the manner in which you push your shopping cart) upon exiting the store you can also do things like step off of the curb inches in front of my bumper and not be injured…as long as you look straight ahead or turn your head and look back over your shoulder to converse with another shopper as you enter the roadway. Remember—what you don’t see can’t hurt you.

6. And finally, upon completing your privileged shopping experience, don’t bother troubling yourself with insignificant things like returning your shopping cart to the storage racks convienently located every 75 feet throughout the parking lot. Just leave that rusty wire cart leaning against the driver’s door or the front bumper of my ten year old paid for Suburban where it’s out of your way. God forbid you should waste your energy on the extra steps it would take to stow the cart or that the cart should ding the paint on your pride and joy that you're leasing for two years at $139 a month with $8000 down for qualified buyers.

That’s about it…Any Questions?