Things I Know I Can Do Without

Late Night TV Ads


Those that know me personally or that frequent this blog and read my daily rantings know that I’m a night owl. As background noise, I generally turn on the Discover Channel, History Channel, or FOX News and vegetate while surfing the Web or writing about the “topic du jour.”

What totally drives me crazy is that, if I'm not having to look at Greta Van Sustren’s crooked mouth while she talks about some pitiful missing teenager on FOX for five hours in a row, then I'm being tortured sometime between 3 and 5 AM when most cable channels switch over to…(get ready)

PAID PROGRAMMING

You know...

Paid “infomercials” featuring of all things—INANE CRAP LIKE…

A. Anything made by "Ronco" and that marketing genius Ron Popeil. God save us all...


B. Giagantic CD collections of 1970's or 1980's music.

Sorry folks, but I LIVED THROUGH the 1970's and 1980's and I can buy all of the music I can stand to listen to all by myself without having it blended together in a mind numbing mix.

Why don't the try selling me something by Jimmy Hendrix on 8-Track tape format?


C. Real Estate purchasing “SYSTEMS” requiring no money down.

Yeah, RIGHT, I’m going to watch a few video tapes and listen to a few cassettes and then run out and develop a Donald Trump type real estate empire starting with only twenty dollars while making the government and other people pay for it.

I can’t decide who is a bigger Moron—the “system” buyers or the “system” sellers?


D. “Wild” Party Girls Videos

These poor girls parents just have to be totally mortified by their behavior, not to mention that their chances of wearing a white dress and walking down the church isle with a straight face with anyone but a boorish pig are forever reduced by their choice to drink and accept a few hundred dollars to flash their tits on national TV.


E. Girls gone “Wild” Videos (see D above)


F. Exercise equipment comprised of wheels and leavers and bows and springs that are guaranteed to help me lose 50 pounds and give me six pack "Abs" in just six weeks (and hides neatly under my bed or in my bedroom closet.)

Just mail me the six pack and we'll have a drink or two during happy hour.


G. Diploma Mill “colleges and institutes” that offer to teach me to be a male nurse or a TV repair man (something that I really need after I throw the remote control through the picture tube) in the privacy of my own home in only three weeks for two easy payments of only $49.99.


H. Various and Sundry male genital enhancement products—including prescription pills and other things that might cause “Priaprism.”

I didn’t know that the condition “Priaprism” had a name.

You want “Priaprism”, I’ll give you “Priaprism” because I say that most men battled “Priaprism” from about age 14 to age 30 and many just couldn’t find a girl that would appreciate it.


Now you'll please have to excuse me, because I have to go study my TV repair manuals…