DON'T MESS WITH ME

I Outsmarted Myself


Last month, in anticipation of traveling out of town for a week, I elected to activate one of those 60 day free America Online accounts that they bombard everyone with in the form of CD's in the mail.

I gave them my credit card number, contact information, and it turns out that I never made a single call through their service.

Yesterday I remembered that I needed to cancel the membership else beginning in early January AOL would start carving about $25 out of my card each month.

After spending about an hour on the telephone over the past TWO days, making six phone calls that were mysteriously cut off after announcing my intention to cancel their service, and after allowing my blood pressure to drop a couple hundred points, I just faxed out THIS missive using the instructions from the AOL website as the outline (my comments are in blue):

December 13, 2006

AOL LLC
FAX NUMBER : 1-703-433-7283.
PO Box 65100
Sterling, VA 20165-8800

To Cancel Your AOL® Membership

We hope you've enjoyed being an AOL member and that we can help you again in the future.

“NO, YOUR SERVICE ENDED UP BEING OF NO USE TO ME BECAUSE I HAVE BROADBAND AT HOME AND ONLY SIGNED UP FOR YOUR FREE OFFER ANTICIPATING BEING OUT OF TOWN FOR A WEEK AND POSSIBLY NEEDING DIAL-UP SERVICE. IT ENDED UP WORKING OUT THAT I DIDN‘T USE IT.

I REALLY RESENT THAT YOU COULD SIGN ME UP ONLINE IN TEN MINUTES AND THEN YOU TORTURED ME WITH ENDLESS PHONE MENUS AND KEPT CUTTING ME OFF FOR SIX CALLS OVER THE PAST TWO DAYS WHEN YOUR USELESS EMPLOYEES FOUND OUT THAT I WANTED TO CANCEL”

For security reasons, AOL accounts cannot be cancelled either online or through e-mail. You can get your AOL account cancelled either through phone, U.S. mail or fax.

“WHAT TOTAL, UNMITIGATED, INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH BULLSHIT.

I SIGNED UP ONLINE WITH A CREDIT CARD.

IS THERE A MASSIVE EPIDEMIC OUT THERE CAUSING PEOPLE'S AOL ACCOUNTS TO BE TERMINATED WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION?

AND YES, I’LL BE DOING MY CANCELLATION BY BOTH MAIL AND FAX, BECAUSE YOUR PHONE CUSTOMER SUPPORT AND ONLINE SERVICE SUCKS (SEE ABOVE)”

To cancel your AOL account over the phone, all you need to do is call AOL® Member Services at 1-888-265-8008. You can speak to our representatives to get your account cancelled. This service is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

“IF I HAD 24 HOURS OF EACH DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK TO TALK TO YOUR COMPUTERS AND YOUR MORONIC EMPLOYEES I WOULD CONTINUE TO CHOOSE THAT OPTION, BUT I ELECT TO DO OTHERWISE.”

You can also request the cancellation of your AOL account through the U.S. mail. Just send your request to:
AOL LLC
PO Box 65100
Sterling, VA 20165-8800

“OK,HERE I AM YOU USELESS CLERKS & ROCKET SCIENTISTS, PRESENTING TO YOU AND YOUR COMPANY IN WRITING, DELIVERED BY THE US MAIL AND FAX, TELLING YOU TO CANCEL MY AOL ACCOUNT.

FURTHER, IF YOU CHARGE MY CREDIT CARD ONE THIN DIME, I AND MY LAWYER WILL LAND ON TOP OF YOUR COMPANY’S BANK ACCOUNT AND THE COST OF THE CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT WILL ALLOW ME TO OWN WHAT IS LEFT OF YOUR MISERABLE OPERATION WHEN EVERYONE FINALLY FIGURES OUT HOW TO USE THE INTERNET AND ISN‘T WILLING TO PAY FOR YOUR SIMPLE CONTENT AND WATCH YOUR ADS."

If you prefer sending in your request through fax, please send it to us at 1-703-433-7283.

Notes:

If you choose to write or fax us, please include a brief note stating the nature of your request, the primary billing contact's full name, phone number, address, and handwritten signature.

In addition to that, for account security purposes please provide any one of the following:

The master screen name of the AOL account

The last four digits of the current method of payment (for your security, please include only the last four digits)

The answer to the account security question of the master screen name

Cancellation will take effect within 72 hours of receipt of your request and AOL will send you e-mail confirmation. Please note that AOL LLC reserves the right to charge and collect fees, surcharges or costs incurred before your cancellation

OK, JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THE “NATURE OF MY REQUEST”, LET ME REITERATE THE FOLLOWING:

CANCEL

Vrrogers3d@aol.com

Born in xxxxx, xxxxxxx

CARD NUMBER xxxxxx5119

And by the way, y’all have a nice day up there in Virginia…

I signed it, dated it, wrote my address and phone number on it by hand, and I'm going to mail a couple of more copies out separately and see what happens.

All I have to say is...

Don't screw with me...dammit