Perry Mason or Matlock?

No...I'm Annoying...More Like Columbo


It seems that I'm having entirely too much fun these days playing forensic injuneer part time.

Thus far I've avoided buying a new magnifying glass or stethoscope or any fingerprint powder, but then again there's a couple of shopping weeks left before Christmas and a new Geiger Counter or a telescope could be still on the horizon...

This latest case I'm working on at the moment is terrible and pitiful and insanely insane, all at the same time.

It's terrible and pitiful because a man was horribly burned over half of his body four years ago, will never work or do much of anything again except suffer, and the experience has cost him near $1.5 million in medical expenses in the process.

Some say he's lucky to be alive, but from what I've heard it's hard for me to imagine finding much quality in an existence that is his life today as a result of his injuries--we'll have to let God settle that score in eternity I guess.

It's insanely insane (and possibly inane) because everyone pretty much knows who's responsible for the "accident," but near a dozen "experts" like me and five or six lawyers are spending the insurance companies' money hand over fist trying to settle the disputes over apportioning out the blame over as many parties as is possible.

What kills me is how many people participating in this exercise know so little about the workings of the things we're analyzing. In fact, it appears that the more "expert" advice costs, in many cases the less it has to do with what actually happened.

If things continue at the current pace we're soon going to be analyzing the soil around the parking lot and counting the rings in the trunks of the trees in the side yard of the plant that built the telephones used to make the 911 call--it's going that far afield and overboard in my opinion.

I almost feel guilty for getting paid the amount I do to offer such elementary observations.

OK, maybe I don't.

I guess what it really does is that being on the inside pisses me off that people get away with promoting themselves as technical experts when they really hardly know the time of day and what city they're in based on my observations.

If the government, and by default the PUBLIC, really wanted to do something about the cost of insurance of all kinds they'd pass some sort of tort reform legislation not limiting the size of the awards and jury verdicts--but making it a LOSER PAYS system.

You file a lawsuit--particularly a frivolous one--hoping to just bleed your defendant and possibly win a lottery on a technicality or fluke judgment, and you lose the case, then YOU pay not only YOUR legal costs, but the legal expenses of the person/company/entity you filed suit against.

My client on this case is so far away from being guilty for anything even close to causing this accident other than having a product installed in the system that exploded, and yet they're spending hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars defending themselves from what will probably be an EIGHT FIGURE verdict (that's something between $10,000,000 and $99,000,000 for those of you that went to Georgia or UT.)

Meanwhile, I'm off on my latest iteration of the process, and I must admit that the extra income is welcome here at Christmas time. I guess you could say that in spite of the recession or current economic downturn or whatever you can call it, people are still in the business of suing each other and I guess I'm able to add a little valuable input to the process and make a part time living of a fairly stinky process.

I have to go now and buy a dirty raincoat at Good Will to go with my well chewed cigar in order to complete the image illusion...