Monday, December 28, 2009

Terrorism For Dummies

An Open Letter From An Angry Redneck...


Hello Mr. Terrorist,

I hope you're having a lovely afternoon there kneeling facing Mecca, chanting Allah, and visualizing your 100 Virgins out there in the after life.

Seriously, I'm starting to agree with you that some of the "Infidels" over here in the US need to have an industrial strength sized can of WhoopAss opened on their heads enjoy a little personal Jihadist terrorism, and here's my ten cents worth of advice on how you can totally screw up America and large portions of the "civilized" Western world--sometimes without even killing yourself by blowing up the first tennis shoe or lighting the first fuse on the bottles of liquid and powder you have strapped to your scrotum and shoved into your rectum, but I digress...

FIRST, you really have to understand that MANY of the people in charge of security here in the US are at best mentally retarded, and the ones that aren't are either too stupid to prevent any serious threats from occurring else they actually hate America and Americans enough that they don't care what happens and what the effects of their actions or in-actions are in the process. The rest of the people I haven't identified are too politically correct to risk offending you so feel free to run amok around the "enhanced" security measures they're putting in place this week.

SECOND, you need to realize that the American people are too interested in watching Reality Shows and American Idol or College Sports to actually get up off of their asses and elect anyone with any real capability to defend themselves and our country at large.

THIRD, you can sleep peacefully knowing that even the most inept members of your rag tag band of Muslim Missionaries can strike terror in the hearts and minds of our leaders and most of the population just by showing up and doing something to get yourself arrested--even if it actually never really posed a serious threat to anyone but yourself. The US Congress will pass a new law at the drop of a hat and the Obama Administration has a spoken policy of "never wasting a crisis..." so I think that you get my drift here.

FOURTH, you can count on our lamestream media--NY Times, CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC and the ASSociated Press et. al.--to tell you our every move and leak classified information from "confidential sources" and other people that should know better but "decline to be identified" or "spoke on condition of anonymity" because things like Treason are against the law here but unless you're driving DUI or speeding the laws are mostly not enforced these days.

So, with that groundwork laid out for you to see, lets talk about how you and a couple of dozen of your swarthy, bearded, Allah loving associates can totally F**K up the American way of life in a single 24 hour period.

First of all, each of you needs to fly somewhere wearing obvious Arabic/Islamic/Muslim cultural garb and act as strange as possible. That will start shutting things down and make all of Soccer Moms wet their panties right off of the bat. Some people will go home and some will take the next flight, but isn't that what terrorism is really all about--attacking our civilization and our way of life?

Further, the night before your flight and at the airport you need to eat two or three bowls of Applebys or Ruby Tuesday Chili, then, traveling in pairs on airline flights at least two hours long, in the the last hour of the flight jump up and yell "Oh Allah my colon's going to explode" and run up the isle and try to use the restroom on the flight.

When they refuse, and after the five fellow passengers finish duct taping you to your seat, just smile and soil your pants leaving a giant stain that Ajax won't remove.

I mean something which will require the replacement of the tray table, seat back (in the upright and locked position), and the seat cushion/flotation device when you're done with it.

Then once you arrive at your destination, have spent your seven hours in interrogation, and have changed into your free Government issued underwear, go out to the rental car counter and ask for the largest truck/van they will rent you.


Be sure to load a couple of packages of radical Muslim propaganda into the trunk and glove box and leave it there for the company to find at the end of the day, then drive to the local fireworks stand off the interstate at the state line and buy $1,000 worth of roman candles, bottle rockets, and Cherry bombs.

Go to your motel room (leaving more fake radical Muslim propaganda on the desk) and pack the fireworks into two or three suitcases fused together, then go to the local mall, go inside, and light the fuse.

Step back and watch the fun.


You'll be arrested, but you'll be out of jail in less than a year, still alive, and will in fact have accomplished almost the exact same result as if you had driven into the building with a 1000 pound bomb.

You see Mr. Terrorist, in addition to being stupid, many Americans are Chicken Shit Cowards, and their reaction is only mirrored in the actions of their leaders, so by doing what I just described six times in a single day, you will have paralyzed the American Air transportation system and shut down the American retail sales system for weeks if not months in the future.

You see, our leaders won't just stop Terrorists with Turbans and poop stains on their flowing robes from coming into malls and getting on airplanes.


NooooOOO Sir.

They will want to force EVERY SINGLE PERSON to use the restroom at the airport at gun point prior to boarding. Heck, because it will become so difficult to fly, many airlines will go out of business else many low volume routes will be eliminated.

Instead of flying non stop from LA to NYC, they'll close the restrooms on planes and chain everyone to their seats and you'll be forced to "hopscotch" your way across the country in one hour segments with mandatory restroom stops along the way.

And all of the Malls will also probably close down and everyone will have to do their shopping on the Internet because you can forget carrying a bag of packages into the Mall to make a return for at least six months to a year without going through a metal detector and playing with a bomb sniffing dog.

Yes Mr. Terrorist Jihadist, many things are possible through Allah's will, and it's the LITTLE things that really get under peoples' and the government's skin...so why not give up the 9/11/2010 plan and just wear everyone down with crap like you did this past week?

Makes sense to me, although I'm just a silly middle aged Redneck. Think about it and get back to me if you have any questions, and until then...


Peace Be To Allah,


Virgil Rogers



Heh...

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