Thursday, September 23, 2010

Self-Induced Home Improvement Insanity

What Ever You Do...Don't Listen To The "Professionals"...

So there I was, sitting around all comfortable on my sofa some time last Summer--I think it was in June or July of 2009--when I put down my beer and I said to my self...I said:

" need get up off of your butt, drive down to Home Depot, and get the stuff needed to replace that old crappy 48 year old painted carport door you have there in the Kitchen with a nice stained wooden French door with lots of windows."

Then in an extended conniption fit of mental malaise, I said..."and while you are at it, why not cut a hole through the wood and bricks in the back wall of the dining room and put in another Painted French door with a bunch of glass..."

And then, for the grand Finale...

"If you do all of that stuff, you're just gonna have to buy a another 6'-8" high by 3'-0" wide 100 pound slab of wood and replace your front door, but this time make it solid and just drill a little, itty, bitty hole, in it and put in one of those peep-hole thingies so you can spy on who ever is at your door rather than just looking out the giant picture window two feet away."

And so I did.

BUY all of that stuff needed to do all of those projects last summer.

Problem is, by the time I got the hole pounded through the back wall of the house through the bricks and the associated new deck finished...

and did I mention the new Turbo Pup door in the wall, also cut through solid brick?

It was all I could manage to do to get the old carport door taken down and the new bare door slab cut to match the existing hinges and door strike positions in the old hand built, vintage 1963 wood door frames.

Thus through last winter and all of this spring and summer until about three weeks ago two of my three new doors (not counting the Turbo Pup door) hung un-stained/un-painted in their openings.

And the new front door slab?

It's a random piece of art still today out on my carport (hoping to be installed next week.)

And any way, recently I opened up the year old cans of wood grain sealer and Maple colored stain and Spar Polyurethane and proceeded to slather a new color and finish on the bare wood of the Carport door.

Problem was, instead of using blue painters' masking tape to cover the glass of TWELVE GLASS PANES, I listened to an acquaintance's father who is a self proclaimed "professional" house painter and he told me to just slap the finish on the door and then use a razor blade and mineral spirits to clean the stain and paint off when I was finished.

I'd like to just write the word "W R O N G" here and be done with the subject.


I my considered Redneck experience the guy just wasn't  W R O N G, he was freaking stoned or hallucinating.

I've just gotten through with three days working part time dealing with the biggest clean up mess ever seen since a buddy's wife decided to give her dog an enema  (don't ask.)

At first I swore that dynamite wouldn't get the crap off of the glass panes of my new door.

But then finally, using  a combination of razor blades, a chemical called "Goof Off" (Imagine that), and some 000 steel wool along with a pint of Vodka (internal operator lubricant) and some massive personal determination as of about three PM today I have a fairly nice looking new French door.

And all I know is my "Professional" painter might have suffered a good cursing out if I had seen him this past week while I was suffering (and twenty five years ago there might have been black eyes and broken noses involved in the proceedings.)

But any way, one and one-half doors installed (paint on the rear French door going on tomorrow), and then next week I hope to get the front door cut in and installed before the first snow storm.

Wish me luck...If you will...

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