Things I Didn't Know About All These New Designer Prescription Drugs

Then I Watched TV The Past Week...


I hate getting old and having to take pills every day.

I guess the worst part is having to put the aforementioned pills in a stupid plastic box with letters on it so I don't take a thousand milligrams of Coumadine and bleed to death with the rats in my yard down in Brunswick.

Seriously, I've never asked for a single drug (at least those in tablet form) in my entire life, so it freaks me out that the drug companies advertise on TV and in print ads so the general public--some people that can hardly get dressed in the morning and who's lives revolve around reality TV--can go to their so-called overpaid, over priced "health care providers" and ASK...or demand...a drug be delivered to solve some symptom or perceived inadequacy in their lives.

Got a smart active kid?

Medicate that little bastard with Ritalin so he'll set down and shut up asking questions.

Got a husband who knows more about weenies on the grill than in the bedroom?

Pfizer and your MD's got you covered.

Got babies squirting out every orifice of your body?

...ditto.

Know the names on the bathroom stall and the color of the wallpaper in every restaurant bathroom within a ten mile radius of your house?

...ahem...


The problem for me is, why would anyone voluntarily take any of these things when you read the fine print and the "CURE" causes stuff like they say happens to happen?

What could possibly be wrong with your body that would cause you to want to put up with things like:

Anal Seepage

Rectal Bleeding

Drug induced Impotence

Erections lasting longer than 4 hours (especially when you can't pay attention for five minutes)

High blood Pressure

Low Blood pressure

Glaucoma

Incontinence

Heart attack

Ventral fibrillation's

Over-pressure of the eyeball

Eyeball flying out of eye socket

Screeming heebejeebies

Thrashing your wife, children, and dog

Uncontrolled Urination

Defecation in Public or in Public places

Beating your local politicians with various large cuts of pork and beef

Running around your property Naked

Compulsive Gambling

Unusual sexual desires (things like having sex while holding a weedeater and a live chicken)


I think I'll just settle for dying a dignified death--hopefully after a brief illness--and leave the rest of you to fight over your stimulus checks and try to elect politicians that will pay their taxes on time and give everyone the "Universal Healthcare" that's inevitably coming our way.

...dammit