Death By Lawn Tools

Don't Make Me Have To Kill You With A Rake...


I'm Pissed.

More than just a little.

My regular readers/lurkers/followers may remember last year when I spent $500 on a Monday having all of the lawn clipping and branches and trimming and other miscellaneous debris removed after a season spent cutting the overgrown shrubbery of our new 1963 vintage home...and then the VERY NEXT WEDNESDAY my asshole back yard neighbor's white pine tree fell into my yard destroying a giant Holley tree and barely missing the Turbo Pup's picket fenced in recreational area.

The guy,in his mid thirty's, came over and basically told this old crippled 50 year old (ok 49 at the time) man that he was sure sorry but since it didn't break anything his insurance wouldn't pay and that I could borrow his chain saw if I wanted.

I resisted the urge to do something to him involving removing his starched/pressed/pleated Khaki pants and hanging him from one of my trees in the front yard with his Yuppy pink tie as punishment because I'm too old to spend a night in the Knox County Jail.

The idiot never lifted a finger to help remove HIS TREE from my yard and I've never heard from him again another $200 later.

That said, right now I'm fuming because our next door neighbors--one of only two rental houses on the entire street to my knowledge--didn't remove their leaves which fell off of the two giant Oaks in their front yard this season...they just raked them into giant piles at the base of their trees.

I, on the other hand, paid my "lawn technician" to remove my leaves and I cleaned up the stuff that fell since and it's laying in two little piles in the natural areas in my back yard.

I also waited for all of the leaves to fall off of our own and all of the surrounding trees and then put out a pallet and one half of fancy dark stained Cypress mulch in all of the existing flower beds and a giant new bedding area along the front of the house.

Now guess what?

Today with the wind gusting over 40 MPH and blowing nearly constantly out of the west at 10 MPH...

can you guess who's yard is clean and who's yard looks like it hasn't been raked this fall?

And can you guess who's cypress mulch flower beds are full of leaves?

Maybe you can understand why I ask that somebody please consider coming down to the police station and posting bail if you don't hear from me for a couple of days.

MORE (at 4:00 AM)

I've had time to think about this issue and it gives me pause to consider the value of things like "neighborhood covenants" and idiotic "Homeowners Associations" (something I've been the president of a long time ago in another life.)

Still, the idea of home owner's renting houses in generally owner occupied neighborhoods and not including "lawn maintenance" in their rental prices in my Redneck mind could be something the general public should rise up and solve on their own...without government intervention.

I'm half way considering calling my lawn guy, having him clean up my front yard into a giant pile, and then taking the leaves over and dumping them in my neighbor's carport or on his front porch.

If he doesn't actually see me doing it, what can he do?

"Hey dude...act of Nature/God...life sucks sometimes..."