Monday, July 28, 2008

Fat Wallets Cause Butt Cancer

Cell Phones Cook Your KID'S Head and YOUR Ass

For years and years now I've lamented that I believe that men found sitting daily on a giant overstuffed leather wallet are not only subjecting themselves to unnecessary discomfort in the car and Church Pew, but are also risking developing a form of butt cancer which originates on the skin on the outside of their calloused bottoms rather than arising from the tangled mass of their polyp laden colons (which, by the way, after the age of fifty must be "scoped" by their physicians on an annual basis.)

What I want to know is who designed this equipment anyway?

As if your butt, with which you are born, isn't more and more trouble the older you get, but (excuse the pun) our society has the foresight to come up with the wallet because men are apparently more dignified than women and can't be burdened with keeping up with a purse as we wander about our lives in our daily rituals.

Of course if you are the domestic type you could get married or get an understanding girlfriend, buy her a giant purse, and make her carry your wallet so you won't have to deal with having a giant lump on your butt in the pocket of your seersucker shorts as you cavort about the national parks and outlet malls on your summer vacation.

Come to think of it, since men tend to lose their athletic butts as they age, perhaps the solution is to buy not one but TWO wallets and carry them at the same time, thereby producing a more pronounced buttocks area for female viewing.

Maybe not...

Then there is something called the "fanny pack"...

I have one. A nice leather one.

I keep my digital camera and accessories in it.

Sometimes I even wear it, but most of the time it's just an expensive tiny leather purse which I drag around with me and my computer case.

Let's face it Guys...If we would just go through our wallets and clean out all of the old restaurant receipts and un-needed business cards from insurance agents and nice looking female professionals we've met in the process of conducting our lives we could reduce the pain and discomfort of carrying a wallet in our pants by at least half.

Putting my money where my mouth is, I intend to run out this week and buy myself a new wallet, and I'm promising myself that it will be a thin little slab of leather that WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO CARRY MORE THAN TWO CREDIT CARDS, ID, AND ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS CASH MONEY (IN TWENTIES.)

Talk about personal improvement...

Then there's the new hysteria about Cell Phones.

I've had a Cell Phone forever since 1990, long before many of today's cell phone abusers Cell Phone patrons were even born.

I've had a $500 cell phone bill before there was anything called "text messaging" and I'm proud to report that I don't "Text Message" today.

If I want to talk to you I'll call you.

If you want to talk to me you'll answer my call, or at least call me back when it's convenient.

If I want to send you a text message I'll write you a letter.

On the computer.

It might take the form of an E-mail, or I might print it out and send it to you in a stamped envelope.

If there is a stamp involved, one of us might be dead before you receive it, but I guess that it was the thought that counted in the first place.

Any WHoooooooooo.

Once again there's another news article out there causing a big flap about the potential for excessive cell phone use causing brain cancer.

Read along with me as my eyes roll back into my ever greying, ever balding skull...

When Amy Morris' twin boys, then 11, went on an academic trip to Washington last year, she agreed to give them cell phones at the program's request. But this summer she was dismayed to learn that girls at her 8-year-old daughter's day camp were using cell phones they'd taken along in their backpacks.

"We were outraged," says the Connecticut mother, who adds that the camp didn't know. "These girls think it's a cute game. But it's inappropriate, and it's unnecessary."


Now, there's further ammunition for Morris and other reluctant parents like her to stand firm: The warning last week by the head of a prominent cancer research institute to his faculty and staff. Limit cell phone use, he said, because of the possible cancer risk — especially when it comes to children, whose brains are still developing.

The warning from Dr. Ronald B. Herberman, director of the University of Pittsburgh Cancer Institute, was based on early, unpublished data and came despite numerous studies that haven't found a link between increased tumors and cell phone use. But it's struck a nerve among parents who already have other reasons to resist their children's entreaties.

I've said all along that I was afraid of being forced to hold a device emitting electromagnetic energy against my head in order to make a phone call.

I've lamented the loss of the old 3 watt "bag phones" of yesteryear. A phone with a display and buttons large enough to be seen with failing middle aged eyes and operated by pudgy middle aged fingers.

But NOOOooooooo, the cell phone "providers" insist that I need to be forced to place phone calls on something the size of a potato chip with buttons the size of a Chicklet, and that I must be forced to hold a .6 watt transmitter within 3 inches of my Hypothalamus gland in the process.

Meanwhile, so-called PARENTS are agonizing over decisions about CHILDREN operating high tech communication devices simply because all of the other children have them and besides...It's easier to keep up with their offspring if they arm them with cell phones?

When I was a kid, before the age when I could legally operate an automobile and further, had reason to be out of sight of my parents, if my Mother and/or Father could not walk outside of the front or back door of our house and holler or whistle and make me come running home, something was seriously wrong.

The police were likely to be involved, else some form of corporal punishment was soon to ensue.

Somehow my parents managed to keep tabs on my where abouts, in spite of my best efforts, for the majority of the minutes in the years between 1959 and 1977...


In fact, the only phones we had in those days were firmly bolted to the wall in the basement den and on the kitchen wall. They did have six foot cords making their use somewhat portable, but the hours of use were limited to something between 7 AM and 9 PM, and you had to dial the phone rather than punching buttons if you expected to actually talk to someone.

If in fact the cell phone induced cancer risk is real, I would like to suggest a positive use for their power and medical capabilities.

Force these men and women who don't understand how to raise children to carry their cell phones adjacent to their private parts in the crotch of their underwear.

In my mind, it would represent a poetic form of "killing two birds with one stone"...

Survival of the fittest, and and effective means of BIRTH CONTROL, all wrapped up in one little 10 ounce, 0.6 watt package.


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