Best Laid Plans

Excuse Me While I Vent…

Maybe there is something wrong with ME, I just don’t know.

I feel my mouth moving and I hear the words coming out of my head, but this week I’ve either encountered a bunch of inept retarded dyslexic morons, else I swear that I’ve started speaking gibberish or lost my mind or something because no matter what I say and agree to do for others, NOTHING I’ve planned has worked out, and I’M THE ONE that has suffered the consequences.

All of this, while working for FREE.

Take our little Condo pool fence project, for example.

You know, the pool fence project that I agreed to help our Elderly Condo Association President (that would be ECAP for future reference) manage?

You know, the pool fence project in the Condo Development that we RENT in, not OWN.

Call me the ultimate philanthropist.

I’ve done my best to ensure that this little piss-ant $1,500 $1,650 $1,700 paint and wood replacement project went smoothly and was completed properly and on time.

I called the contractor last week, whom was conveniently out of town this week, and we agreed that we would await his return and walk through the project, review his proposal, and make sure that we were on the same page before his crew started work.

Seems reasonable so far…right?

Since I’ve done the design and project management of several hundred million dollars worth of heavy industrial fabrication and construction over the past 25 years, a little piss-ant $1500 $1650 $1700 paint and repair job should be a piece of cake.

But Nnnnnnooooooo, can’t have that, because the Stupid Bitch Contractor’s Wife (that would be the SBCW, for future reference) demanded that she be allowed to start the job this week rather than next week when the actual CONTRACTOR and CARPENTERS were back in town from Atlanta.

And of course, rather than telling ME her plans, she called our well intended but totally clueless ECAP, who proceeded to approve the Monday start date (because he wants to ensure that everything is finished before next month’s board meeting.)

For those of you keeping score, that would be SBCW—1, Virgil—0.

As I anticipated (having managed a few so-called residential contractors before), come Monday morning at 8:00 AM there was no sign of any construction or painting going on at my pool-side jobsite.

9:00 AM…..no construction workers

10:00 AM…no construction workers

11:00 AM…no construction workers

12:00 AM…no construction workers

1:00 PM…two construction workers, but the SBCW was no where to be seen.

No supplies, no tools, no paint, just three lonely guys (including myself) standing around picking our noses collectively.

1:30 PM…thank God the SBCW arrives, with two additional workers!!!

1:45 PM SBCW continues to ignore me, even after I have identified myself as the project manager.

2:00 PM I manage to get a few unintelligible grunts and a half smile from SBCW.

2:01 PM I have a “throwing up of my hands and walking away back home” party.

To make a long story even longer, this idiot SBCW allowed her people (two of which left on Tuesday to go to the aforementioned Atlanta job site) to work with virtually no tools and minimal supplies (delivered at the last minute) all week long.

The SBCW converted a three day job into an entire week long project.

The SBCW also managed to pull an additional $150 out of the ECAP for installing new wood where the wood was rotten, just before she got the extra $50 out of the ECAP for cutting said wood to lenght.

Now the score would be SBCW 3, Virgil 0.

Next, since the local building supply company was out of the needed pressure treated lumber and threatened to delay my "project from hell", I had to drive 25 miles round trip in order to pick up and deliver said wood from Home Depot to our pool-side jobsite.

Then I had to argue with the Stupid Bitch Property Manager (that would be SBPM for future reference) in order to get reimbursed this week for the lumber I purchased, even though I stupidly didn't ask for mileage charges and in spite of saving them a $50 delivery fee.

I watched helplessly as the SBCW’s employees ran around begging to borrow basic things like extension cords and water hoses and the PAINTER that was doing the CARPENTRY work spent much of his time standing around scratching his ass looking for nails over 1-1/2” long for two of the four days he was working.

The second part of the project, which I won’t bore you with the details of, was equally (un)successful.

All I know is that I’m a capable, experienced project manager, and it absolutely drives me crazy when I get myself into these situations.

Instead of just continuing to bitch and complain, let me offer some advice:

If you are a homeowner, I suggest that when you start your next home improvement project that you either hire the most expensive contractor you can find, else you put on your largest boots and, after kicking yourself and your significant other in the ass, you be prepared to kick the shit out of anyone that shows up on your property with a paintbrush, hammer, or any other item remotely resembling a TOOL.

I Know that EVERY contractor isn't a total idiot so don't start E-mailing me with complaints, but residential construction seems to attract the most inane, unprofessional, useless morons living here on the planet.

It's just that simple...