Thursday, March 11, 2010

Garden Takes Shape

I'll Swap A Cow For Some "Magic Beans"...


I don't believe that I've ever mentioned here on the blog that the family who built our house in 1963 and owned it until we bought it in 2008 also owned a small farm here in Eastern Tennessee, so when we moved into this place we weren't surprised that the property was literally infested with wooden and metal poles and stakes and other artifacts left over from them having planted and grown an extensive assortment of vegetables and other ornamental plants over the past four plus decades.

There's a vegetable plot, covered with "landscape cloth" with holes cut every 12 to 24 inches which covers an area about 12' wide x 30' long, out in rear corner of the back yard.

Thus I regret to admit that through a combination of being gainfully employed and busy as heck the first season, and just being generally lazy the second year...2009, that best intentions aside our well intended efforts to extend the gardening traditions around here have basically consisted of growing a few potted plants and watching our "lawn technician" mow the grass and assault us with the hated weed eater and leaf blower every week or so.

All of that history ruefully behind me, this year I'm resolute that things are going to be different in the area of home gardening on several fronts.

First of all, with all of the cooking that goes on around here on a regular basis, a herb garden plot could definitely enhance our efforts while at the same time possibly saving a little money in the process.

Things like Basil and Cilantro and Parsley are staples in the bottom trays of my Fridge and I end up throwing away or drying probably 25% to 30% of what we buy, so having fresh stuff growing outside the back door would pay back immediately and those kind of plants basically take care of themselves because they--in spite of all of the hype--are actually WEEDS.

Next there's things like Tomatoes and Tomatillos, stuff we use for sauces and salsas and which are just plain fun to produce. I find the Roma and "Bunch type" hybrid tomatoes to be much more useful to try to grow at home according to my Googling efforts, although a couple stalks of the "Better Boy" or "Best Boy" or "Beefsteak" variety sandwich sized slicers will probably make it into the dirt here in the end.

I don't think that we have enough room to do beans or peas or any other of the "staked" varieties, but I have a spot where I want to toss out some different varieties of Summer and Winter Squash and let them fight it out for space, and possibly do a couple of hills of Watermelons, and I have a package of ...get this...SIX "GIANT PUMPKIN" seeds which I paid almost 50 cents each (that would be PER SEED...not PER PACK) for last year and never planted.

These so-called "Dill's Atlantic Giant" seeds are supposed to be capable of producing pumpkins which weigh between 400 and 500 pounds each.

A FIVE HUNDRED POUND PUMPKIN?

I guess that's better than growing a bean stalk going up out of sight outside my deck, into the clouds, and having to screw around with all of that "Fee Fie Foe Fum...English Man's Blood stuff..."

Me and the Turbo Pup would probably pee on ourselves and everything else in sight when the "not-so Jolly Green Giant" came stomping down...you know?

But then again I guess that on a positive note managing to actually grow something alive a gourd that sized could get me on the local news without involving the police or fire department unless the thing fell over or rolled over me while trying to move it into the kitchen.

I've previously handled and carved a 140 pounder back on SSI in 2005 or 2006, so IF I ever manage to grow something which weighs that much I'm considering hollowing it out, putting a tag and tires on it, and hitting the road towing it behind the old Chevy Suburban doing carnivals and circus side shows.

Does anybody know...is there a Redneck version of "Cirque du Soleil?"

Oh yeah...we call it the "County Fair" down in these parts here in the South.

Any way, I think that you could almost LIVE inside a 500 pound pumpkin, you know?.

Back to gardening in general, basically anything else included beyond the above listed vegetable/fruit inventory, with the exception of possibly some hot and sweet peppers, has yet to congeal/coagulate within the confides of my hyperactive mind.

Wait...no...I forgot...I also need to plant some Onions and Garlic and Shallots...got to do something to keep my breath from being all fresh and minty...

As then as is usual, now I have to do an AutoCAD drawing of everything overlayed on our residential plot plan. And there will be a surveying crew involved (survey crew = me and little Missy the Turbo Pup and Pat running around outside with my 100' tape measure, a can of OSHA orange paint, some wooden stakes, and a giant roll of string), and then there are the endless Bills of materials...and a rental soil tiller and...

Man...I get tired just trying to write about it all...

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