I'd Rather Be Dead Than Red On The Head A Banker

...You Better Be A Good One Else Look Out For Me...


Have I mentioned that I generally hate Bankers?

Well...I do...

It's just that simple.

I come by it honestly, but let's just agree that most of my dislike is beyond the scope of this current missive, but still...

I've nothing against the Bank Tellers and the other lowly employees forced to sit around in the bank accepting deposits and issuing Cashiers checks because they have no choice but to follow inane rules and procedures while handing out receipts and lolly pops to children.

I'm talking B A N K E R S...

The idiots who are the so called "decision makers" in our country's financial institutions.

I'm in good company I guess in my disdain, because my fellow writer and idol Mark Twain is quoting as saying this truth ism:

"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain."

My reason for disliking the profession in general and many if not most of the people in it is their poor regard not for my desire to BORROW THEIR MONEY from them, but rather their insidious desire to KEEP MY MONEY FROM ME at every opportunity.

Take the occurrences of this past week, for example.

After being in business for almost five months and having delivered products to customers since January, after waiting what seemed like an interminable amount of time ..."net 60 days"...we finally opened an account in the Corporation's name with a local credit union which I've been doing business with the past two years.

Now mind you I've let them process the funds to buy one house here in town and store the proceeds of the sale of another investment property, and in the span of those 23 months I've never once bounced a check and never had a check I deposited into my account returned at any time.

EVER.

And when I walked in the door last week to open the commercial account I told the branch manager that the reason I was giving them the opportunity to serve my business banking needs was because I assumed that being a long standing customer...someone who had pushed SIX FIGURES through an account with them previously...that they would give me some consideration in processing what would sometimes be large checks without forcing me to go through the government allowed (but not mandated) and much hated "check hold."

You know, the old "check hold" game where a bank takes your money, written on Fancy paper with water marks and security seals and God knows what else, and signed with something besides a color crayon or magic marker, and then proceeds to act like they have to send it by a courier riding a donkey to Philadelphia to the Federal Reserve before releasing the aforementioned funds into your account for your use.

Now everyone with half a brain knows that in today's modern banking system, if you write a check for five cents or five dollars or five hundred thousand dollars that your bank knows about it within 24 to 48 hours and will gladly assess you a $39 fee for "overdraft" if you're 1 cent short on your "available" balance.

So why the heck do these morons and ingrates feel obligated to sit there with a straight face, a WEEK after you made the deposit...

a WEEK after they promised you they'd clear the funds ASAP...

and that same WEEK later tell you about the federal banking rules which allow them to hold the funds for ten days and there is nothing that they can do about it.

What a total, unmitigated, stinking, steaming pile of BS.

I'm probably going down to that credit union (which will remained un-named here in an uncharacteristic fit of personal restraint) next week when all the funds have cleared and withdraw, in CASH, every single penny they have in my name and the company's name and go buy a case of Ball Mason Jars and bury the stash out back in my garden.

(And they're dang lucky all of my guns are in Alabama or else I might just go down there and make a withdrawal this afternoon.)

That will be all...for now...

DAMMIT