Duty Calls, I'm Into Pain

And At Least The Telephone Wasn't Busy...

I'm perhaps the worst businessman in the entire western world.

Like Jimmy Buffett says, "I've made enough money to buy Miami and I've pissed it away so fast...never meant to last..."

Out of the clear blue I decided to get into the "slumlord business" last year and I've found out that I suck at it.

The problem is elemental, fundamental, or whatever you want to call it.

I HATE having to collect my rent, and at the level my property operates on I have to go get my money each and every thirty days if Iexpect to get any money at all out of the endeavor. I've let an entire duplex sit empty for MONTHS rather than get back into the "solicitation of lame excuses" business.

Then I had a revelation...

Our lawnkeeper, "Ozzy," lives over in Brunswick near my property and is a bit more comfortable dealing with people in the socioeconomic group that is my target demographic.

Let's just say that Ozzy is a little less intimidating to my potential tenants than a 6'-3" tall, 225 pound, bearded white guy with a pony tail driving a big white Suburban Truck is to certain segments of the population.

Some people say I can look really mean, but hey--I'm actually a pussycat inside most of the time.

Besides, if you punched me in the nose right now I'd drop like a sack of potatoes because my recent illness still has me limping around like a three legged dog.

Any way, Ozzy recently asked if he could show my property to someone, took the keys, and here it is a week later and I'm looking at positive cash flow again--starting tomorrow.

I hate long term agreements with potential deadbeats, so I'm sitting here manually re-typing my old 1 year "lease" into a "month to month" rental agreement.

Did I mention that I was an engineer, not a lawyer?

Did I mention that I HATE most lawyers?

Lawyers live to make simple things more complicated than the average human has any desire to fathom, thus everyone needs a lawyer and even the lawyers need lawyers. My mother for some reason thinks that I'd make a good Lawyer. I'm not sure if I'm insulted or flattered...

Regarding my current legal document development, I'd like to try to keep the whole thing down to a length of only two pages because most of my "tennants" can apparently barely read at an 8th grade level and at the sight of the first "Where AS" or "Thereof" their eyes glaze over in a catatonic funk.

Come to speak of it, my eyes have glazed over also in the past half hour.

Apparently the key to a good rental agreement involves writing just enough words to allow you to kick your tenant out on their ass before the aforementioned ass grows attached to any part of your structure that you're allowing them to occupy on a temporary basis. At the same time you try to write as many words as possible that tell your guest that they can't a) sell your building, b) burn your building down, c) allow a herd of cattle or known child rapeist to move into your building, and finally d) to open a crack kitchen, crystal meth lab, or whorehouse without providing you with a substantial share of the profits.

Having a parking lot full of inoperative automobiles is also a big no-no in the landlord business.

The neat thing about this building is that it is solid concrete block, inside and out. There are a few nail holes in the walls, but a little putty and a fresh coat of paint almost puts the whole thing back in it's original 1959 condition.

The sad thing is that my building and I are the same age, and I'm afraid that it's in better condition than I am.