A Week In Computer Hell

My Face Has Been Removed From Facebook...


(Blogging live from my underground dungeon computer complex somewhere on the banks of the Mighty Tennessee River)

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, I started out the week with some kind of stupid little piss-ant computer hemorrhoid on the server PC which spent all day and night popping up telling me it was on my computer's butt and wanting to sell me some kind of salve to smear on the hurting area of my technical life.

Norton/Symantic couldn't find it and therefor couldn't fix it within the first 36 hours of infestation, but somehow either by being on the ball for once or accidentally Microsoft offered a "system update" that my Vista operating system downloaded and installed all by it's stupid self and as a result the festering computer canker sore/rectal intrusion seems to have gone away, although the machine is still belching and farting a little when I try to run important things like AutoCAD.

Then this morning an old friend from High School reported that someone was impersonating me on Facebook saying that I was stranded in London and asking for money to get home.

WTF?

Anyone that knows me knows that the last place on the entire planet I would go is London, England, with Paris, France following along a close second...even behind Opp, Alabama or Morocco or Turkey or Greece or anywhere else on the European or Asian Continents.

Then another friend down on our little island called me and said some woman had contacted him, referencing me, and wanting to offer her services.

Dangit, where were these women when I could have used them, and why didn't they call me first?

Then I got this e-mail from "the Facebook Team":

Hi ,

Your account has been temporarily suspended for security purposes. Our systems indicate that your Facebook account has been compromised by cybercriminals attempting to impersonate you. These criminals often will try to trick your friends into sending them money by claiming that you are stuck in a far away location and need assistance. It is possible that your email account was compromised as well. As such, we have sent this email to all email accounts recently associated with your account. Obtaining access to a victim's email is one of the primary ways these cybercriminals have been operating. Please take the following steps to regain control of your account:

1. Select new, unique passwords for any email addresses associated with your Facebook account.

2. Respond to this email to get the account verification process started.

3. Closely follow the instructions provided in our follow up email. We also encourage you to visit the following page for more information about Facebook security and how to report suspicious material: http://www.facebook.com/security

Thanks,
Facebook Security


By the time I re-read their correspondence...realizing that FACEBOOK was having a problem and requiring ME to take action to correct it...I was tired and cranky and as a result I wrote this back to them...

**** you ***holes...I hardly used your stupid "social networking" service and if it takes more than 5 minutes for me to jump through the hoops to correct something which happened on your system and servers then I won't be back.

I write my own blogs and own and pay my own domain names and I didn't do anything which caused YOUR SYSTEM to be compromised, so get it fixed and get it right and make it easy or let's just say goodbye...

DAMMIT



at this point I assume that I'm probably banned from Facebook for life, even though whatever happened happened on their end of the Internet universe, not on my machine I don't believe.

Regardless, I did follow up and changed all of my passwords on important stuff like bank accounts and stuff but here's my point with Facebook.

I DON'T REALLY CARE.

I write this blog and my cooking blog The Redneck Gourmet, and I'm on the verge with a little more financial success in 2010 of buying my own domain names for my company and my personal use and leaving Blogger and Intuit behind. While many of my friends and family are just now discovering the Internet and beginning to do simple blogging by using Twitter and Facebook, I'm an old man in the Internet world.

My ex-wife had an Internet account while working with the Georgia Tech Research Institute way back in 1984, and I had a MCI mail account I set up with my company in 1985.

I remember when there was nothing on the Internet but a bunch of nerds sending Wordstar files and Lotus 123 spreadsheets back and forth in between comma delimited Dbase III database files.

There was no "social networking" and no "retail transactions" and no pictures of naked women to be found unless you liked printing out something on a dot matrix printer produced with periods, commas, and other ASCII characters.

Something like this made a young computer nerd's day back then...



So any way, right now now I'm afraid to use the server for any financial transactions for fear that there might still be some keystroke logger or something lurking around under the surface.

I'm tempted to buy a new small external hard drive, do a full back up of all of my photos and word processor/spreadsheet files, and then wipe the hard drive clean and re-install a copy of Windows XP professional which I bought last year and be done with Vista in this building...because Vista SUCKS.

Did I mention that MICROSOFT WINDOWS VISTA SUCKS?

It not only SUCKs, it TOTALLY SUCKS.

Only problem is I'll have to spend half a Saturday re-installing things like Photoshop CS3 and AutoCAD and then downloading Google Earth and the latest editions of Adobe and all of the zillions of other programs I use on a daily basis.

I swear people, it's times like this when I'm tempted to rip off my clothes, put on a loin cloth and moccasins boat shoes, smear my face and chest with colored mud and clay, and go live in the woods for a month just to prove that I can do it again (picture the scenes out of the movie "Predator" with me being the Arnold with a ever greying, ever balding head and a pot belly.)

...shudder....

I don't LIKE it, but I realize that we're all in a world of hurt when the sniveling, bed wetting, tye dyed, booger eating, tree hugging socialists finally overload our infrastructure and it all comes crashing down around our heads one day.

I admit it...I'm ADDICTED to my COMPUTER(S).

OH...oh...ah....eee...oh...OH..OHHHHHHH...AaaaaaaahhhhHHHHHHHH

THUNK (the sound of me falling over backwards out of my chair)

Nothing To Say

So I Won't Say It...

Garden Takes Shape

I'll Swap A Cow For Some "Magic Beans"...


I don't believe that I've ever mentioned here on the blog that the family who built our house in 1963 and owned it until we bought it in 2008 also owned a small farm here in Eastern Tennessee, so when we moved into this place we weren't surprised that the property was literally infested with wooden and metal poles and stakes and other artifacts left over from them having planted and grown an extensive assortment of vegetables and other ornamental plants over the past four plus decades.

There's a vegetable plot, covered with "landscape cloth" with holes cut every 12 to 24 inches which covers an area about 12' wide x 30' long, out in rear corner of the back yard.

Thus I regret to admit that through a combination of being gainfully employed and busy as heck the first season, and just being generally lazy the second year...2009, that best intentions aside our well intended efforts to extend the gardening traditions around here have basically consisted of growing a few potted plants and watching our "lawn technician" mow the grass and assault us with the hated weed eater and leaf blower every week or so.

All of that history ruefully behind me, this year I'm resolute that things are going to be different in the area of home gardening on several fronts.

First of all, with all of the cooking that goes on around here on a regular basis, a herb garden plot could definitely enhance our efforts while at the same time possibly saving a little money in the process.

Things like Basil and Cilantro and Parsley are staples in the bottom trays of my Fridge and I end up throwing away or drying probably 25% to 30% of what we buy, so having fresh stuff growing outside the back door would pay back immediately and those kind of plants basically take care of themselves because they--in spite of all of the hype--are actually WEEDS.

Next there's things like Tomatoes and Tomatillos, stuff we use for sauces and salsas and which are just plain fun to produce. I find the Roma and "Bunch type" hybrid tomatoes to be much more useful to try to grow at home according to my Googling efforts, although a couple stalks of the "Better Boy" or "Best Boy" or "Beefsteak" variety sandwich sized slicers will probably make it into the dirt here in the end.

I don't think that we have enough room to do beans or peas or any other of the "staked" varieties, but I have a spot where I want to toss out some different varieties of Summer and Winter Squash and let them fight it out for space, and possibly do a couple of hills of Watermelons, and I have a package of ...get this...SIX "GIANT PUMPKIN" seeds which I paid almost 50 cents each (that would be PER SEED...not PER PACK) for last year and never planted.

These so-called "Dill's Atlantic Giant" seeds are supposed to be capable of producing pumpkins which weigh between 400 and 500 pounds each.

A FIVE HUNDRED POUND PUMPKIN?

I guess that's better than growing a bean stalk going up out of sight outside my deck, into the clouds, and having to screw around with all of that "Fee Fie Foe Fum...English Man's Blood stuff..."

Me and the Turbo Pup would probably pee on ourselves and everything else in sight when the "not-so Jolly Green Giant" came stomping down...you know?

But then again I guess that on a positive note managing to actually grow something alive a gourd that sized could get me on the local news without involving the police or fire department unless the thing fell over or rolled over me while trying to move it into the kitchen.

I've previously handled and carved a 140 pounder back on SSI in 2005 or 2006, so IF I ever manage to grow something which weighs that much I'm considering hollowing it out, putting a tag and tires on it, and hitting the road towing it behind the old Chevy Suburban doing carnivals and circus side shows.

Does anybody know...is there a Redneck version of "Cirque du Soleil?"

Oh yeah...we call it the "County Fair" down in these parts here in the South.

Any way, I think that you could almost LIVE inside a 500 pound pumpkin, you know?.

Back to gardening in general, basically anything else included beyond the above listed vegetable/fruit inventory, with the exception of possibly some hot and sweet peppers, has yet to congeal/coagulate within the confides of my hyperactive mind.

Wait...no...I forgot...I also need to plant some Onions and Garlic and Shallots...got to do something to keep my breath from being all fresh and minty...

As then as is usual, now I have to do an AutoCAD drawing of everything overlayed on our residential plot plan. And there will be a surveying crew involved (survey crew = me and little Missy the Turbo Pup and Pat running around outside with my 100' tape measure, a can of OSHA orange paint, some wooden stakes, and a giant roll of string), and then there are the endless Bills of materials...and a rental soil tiller and...

Man...I get tired just trying to write about it all...

New Hobby

I'm Learning To Walk Like These Guys...





(Someone call all the King's Horses and Men 911 when I'm through with my lessons)

Chili Withdrawal

I'm Perfecting Being Useless...


So after being out of town for five days and basically wasting Monday waiting on some people to respond to questions and get me paperwork, I ended up working my butt off yesterday getting caught up on some personal and business stuff, and about 5:30 PM managed to get four more rebuilt valves packaged and out the door to FedEX in the process.

Now since 3 AM this morning I've managed to get all of my paperwork done including the invoice for yesterday's shipment and the job files have everything punched on my little micro three hole punch (I've got to buy a big honkin' three hole paper punch before I lose my mind) and organized in their little tabbed binders and so now I can settle back into my normal lethargic existence.

Please excuse me because I just might doze off here at the keyboard...but I digress...

Not to brag, but it's supposed to rain all week here in Knoxtown so working outside on the house is out (and I've basically replaced and painted everything in arm's reach inside the building in the past 23 months,) so here's a look at my carefully considered plans for the balance of my morning. (I know that some out there might pity me in my slovenliness because I actually aspire to conduct myself this way, but I offer no apology because I have so much time invested in perfecting the process.)

5:30 to 6:00 AM.........finish blogging and fooling around on the Internet

6 PM until 7 AM...........wallow around in my bed with my dog watching FOX and Friends in the morning

7 AM until 8 AM.......doze watching FOX and Friends

8 AM until 11 AM............Doze while listening to talk radio

11 AM until...zzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZ....snort...snore...

Back To Reality?

Where's My Chili Pot...


Well, I've been home less than 48 hours and I'm already tired of FOX News and the Internet in general, and now I have yet another stupid "Anti-Spyware" virus on the server PC.

It popped up late yesterday afternoon and refuses to turn loose...it even screws with Mozilla Firefox.

It won't even show me any Boobs or other Porno as a consolation prize for putting up with it, it just keeps on telling me that my computer is "infected" with "Malware" and "Spyware" and "Trojan Software" and offering to sell me their software to fix the situation.

To me it's sort of like that dipstick Michael Moore making a movie in which he warns everyone about "obese, unshaven, loud mouthed, ignorant, ill-informed, socialist/progressive tree hugging patchouli stinking tye dyed malfeasants" making movies about "obese, unshaven, loud mouthed, ignorant, ill-informed, socialist/progressive tree hugging patchouli stinking tied died malfeasants."

Any way, I've done a complete Norton 360 scan coming up on twice now in the next few minutes, and with a half terrabyte drive that takes about a week and a half about two hours each and when I get through posting down here I'm going upstairs with my 10 pound hand sledge hammer and a caulk gun full of construction adhesive and threaten my computer to free itself from the Internet transmitted computer deamons...or else.

Just for the record, the Chinese or Koreans or Ethiopian or Cuban hackers or 15 year old pimple faced kids in Paduca, Kentucky that wrote the shit that's presently contaminating my computer go by the name "Vista Antispyware 2010"...and if it were up to me I'd vote to pass a law where the government tracks down these ingrate bastards, captures them, brings them back here to the US and puts them in the Moat in the Gorilla habitat at Zoo Atlanta.

Then every Saturday if the Gorillas haven't killed them violating various bodily orifices the owners of computers which have been infected with the products of their insidious efforts would be allowed to come to the Zoo and bombard them from the pedestrian walkways with damaged computer hard drives, useless desktops and laptops, and weeks worth of Septic Tank waste stored in Glad "Force-Flex" trash bags.

If anybody has a better idea for a punishment, feel free to let me know, and in the mean time I have to go take a nap now and stop thinking about this before my head explodes...

Y'all have a LOVELY day...if you will...

More Chili Pictures

Mug Shots...


I, like my father before me, am always generally behind the camera rather than in front of it most of the time, thus I hardly have any pictures of me other than Police mug shots things accidentally shot by other people that wander by when I'm up to something interesting or possibly stupid.

Any way, Pat managed to take a few extra photos on Saturday and I though that I'd toss them up here on the blog to finish documenting the event for posterior posterity.

Here's a photo of some Hippie dude that stopped by to work on the Booth:




And here's a look at Me channeling my "Inner Rasta," wearing my Chef's Jacket, apron, and Chili Pepper Chef's pants, sitting with the Turbo Pup resting after serving all of our chili...








I find it pretty cool to have learned how to cook mass quantities of food, but it's time to stop reminiscing and go back to work I guess...

Beauty Transformation

Everybody Cover Your Eyes




(thank's to, Neal Boortz, the Pastor of The Church of the Painful Truth)

Heh...

Crime Scene Chili Photos

Visual Evidence As Promised...


I'm pleased to report that we made it back to Knoxtown on Sunday after an uneventful 8 hour ride.

Now after drinks & dinner and sorting out the mail, I figured that I'd post some stuff here showing everyone what we've been up to the past five days.

Here's a view of the pile of raw materials after being dumped out on the ground at the Event Venue about 6:30 AM Saturday morning (click on any of the photos to enlarge).

And here we are with the tent set up, all of the food delivered, and the "Chili Shack" erection well under way.



All the roof framing up, and just a few more skins to install...that's EIGHT GALLONS of rendered pork stock there on the table in the big plastic containers.



The finished product, with decorations in place ready to serve our Chili...



There's Little Missy the Turbo Pup standing guard duty back behind the tent.

General crowd pictures...as you see the place was PACKED...and they started clammoring to be fed at 11 AM although the official start time and first judging sample wasn't supposed to happen until 11:30...





My 15 gallon chili pot somewhere about 12:15...we were in panic mode because we were supposed to serve until 2 PM but we ran out at 1:15...



The Turbo Pup again, sitting in the shade, looking for someone to give a good barking to...



A look behind the scenes at the cooking area and tent...notice the blue insulation board lables on the back side of the panels...

More crowd photos looking from inside the serving area in our Chili Shack. We were only one of three teams that actually did something besides tents and tables with banners/signs...





The unofficial estimate was a little over 2000 tickets sold.





Pat and John and our friend Walt yucking it up and handing out Green Butt Chili...



And the end of the day about 4 PM with everything loaded back in and on John's Explorer ready to head back to the Blackwater Grill...



And here's a look at the Guys and the Booth that beat us again this year...





Go figure...

Even More Crap What Pisses Me Off This Morning

Imperial Federal Government Assholes Politicians Gone Wild...


I swear to God, Ladies and Gentlemen, I think that we need to get together and steal a B-52 and Nuke the capitol mall in Washington DC with my latest invention--"The Rogers' Positronic Dirty Rat Bastard Tax & Spend Liberal Seeking Smart Bomb."

I call it the RPDRBTSLSSB for short...and looking at that acronym someone might like to buy a vowel...Alex...

Or maybe we should just get up a posse and go round up virtually everyone in the national elected political structure, Democrat and Republican, and gift wrap them each in their own burlap sacks with a couple of used bowling balls and tie the package up and toss the whole lot of them into the Potomac River.

Why, you might ask?

(and if you're with the CIA or FBI or other law enforcement agency read my entire blog before you put me on the no-fly list or come knocking on my door...I tend to write sort of over the top, in an absurd and obvious metaforical/silly ass harmless stupid Redneck manner here on this blog)

Because of crap like the stuff going on in this News story:

Newly anointed House Ways and Means Chairman Sander Levin (D-Mich.) repaid a Maryland property-tax credit Friday that he should not have received, his office confirmed.

Levin, who owns a home in Chevy Chase, Md., received a $690 credit on his most recent property tax bill, the result of Montgomery County program that provided one-time credits to residential property owners in the 2009-10 tax year.

...snip...

Levin replaced Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-N.Y.) at the Ways and Means Committee helm this week after pending ethics investigations forced Rangel to step down from the post.

The ethics committee admonished Rangel in February for taking part in two trips to the Caribbean that violated House rules, citing his staff’s knowledge that the trips received prohibited corporate funding.

The Committee on Standards of Official Conduct, commonly known as the ethics panel, is also still reviewing Rangel’s personal finances under an investigation opened in September 2008.

That review includes Rangel’s failure to report rental income from a Dominican beach house; his lease of three rent-controlled apartments in his district; his use of House parking facilities for long-term vehicle storage; personal assets he failed to report on financial disclosures; and his fundraising efforts for a City College of New York facility named in his honor. Rangel has denied any wrongdoing.

Rep. Pete Stark (D-Calif.), the second-ranking Ways and Means Committee member who was passed over for the chairmanship, also recently faced an ethics committee review of his Maryland home.

The way I would handle things is this simple.

Just ask the question: "Will the person on the finance committee who/whom (I can never get that right) has filed and paid their taxes correctly please stand up, and everybody else run to the restroom or take a smoke break?"

Notice I don't use the word "persons" intentionally?

That is because I bet that there's a good chance that you'd be looking at an empty room, except possibly a couple of Aids or Secretaries Administrative Assistants or Monaca Lewinskies Interns.

Right?

You see, it just pisses me of when the same elected idiots which keep getting appointed further up the government food chain to the Chairmanships/Chairwoman-manships and that think nothing of jumping my Federal income tax rates 3 to 5% or more in the next couple of years...and at the same time can cavalierly indicate to "working families" and the "disenfranchised" earned income credit whores that I owe them $5000 of my money in the form of a "Capitol Gains" tax for taking the risk of buying real estate with CASH...CASH MONEY I already paid income tax on when I earned it and managed to keep some of it...

(taking a deep breath here boss...)

yet these idiots, men and women who are paid $174,000 each year for their so-called "service" in the US Senate and House (and get an automatic raise each year unless they as a group vote against it,) are constantly over and Over and OVER...and over and over and over and over and under and over.... caught and eventually embarrassed into having to belatedly pay back stupid little itty bitty sums like $690 when their finances and taxes come under the microscope of the national lamestream media--a media which willingly turns a blind eye as often as is possible if you happen to have a "(D)" beside your name on the election ballot.

They want to pass laws and spend money and tax me and you, yet they try to get away with silly, stupid little omissions like that and I bet you $10 that this same circumstance of "omissions" is almost across the board with these elitist bastards/bitches.

The way I see things, and based on some negative personal experience from my own past in the form of innocent, ignorant mistakes on various and sundry local and state and federal tax "issues"...

I would never try to get away with silly crap like scamming the Property Tax "Homestead Exemption" or any one of the other intrusive, bullshit taxes the elected geniuses levy on my ever greying, ever balding head and wallet.

It just isn't worth it if there isn't at least five or six figures behind the dollar sign (that would mean $10,000 to something over $100,000 for those of you that went to college at the Universities of Tennessee or Georgia.)

Yet it seems to me that almost EVERY SINGLE TIME someone gets elected or appointed to anything from the title of "Presidential Dog Washer" to "Head Ho' What Run the House" they have to go digging into the file cabinets in their fifth or sixth bedroom or make calls to their accountant in NYC and get a bottle of "Whiteout" or an eraser and smudge their way back into compliance with INCOME TAX LAWS...

"laws" which they insist on foisting on the rest of us working stiffs without a bit of regard for the amount of effort it takes to comply with their legalized robbery money grubbing political pandering BS.

I've had it up to here People (pointing to the top of the aforementioned ever greying ever balding head), and I'm tired of the Government looking to me as a slave and a source of ever increasing "Income," and I'm tired of other people (but not necessarily YOU there reading this blog if you carry your own financial freight) looking to the Imperial By-God Federal Government of the United States of 'Merica as a SOURCE of their own income and benefits.

...taking a couple more breaths here...

OK, 'nuff said I guess...I have to go to bed now in anticipation of enduring 8 hours on the intestate highway system...something I gladly pay my taxes for in order to keep it maintained, but otherwise I want everyone to just get the hell out... Mr./Mrs./Transgendered Politician/Tax Collector, and leave me and my girl and my dog and my wallet ALONE...

Is that too much to ask?

You're dismissed then...And that will be all...for now...

We Ran Out Of Chili

Can You Say...MOB?


Sorry I didn't write anything earlier, but I was absolutely dead when we got back from the Chili Cookoff after being awake since 1 AM

I ended up passing out falling asleep in the middle of changing clothes for dinner...which I'm just now warming back up as the other guests are leaving...I hear the microwave beeping...hang on...

The good news is we pounded out 15 gallons of the "Jamaican me Cajun Green Butt Chili" in the allotted time, but (but not butt) the bad news is not enough of the locals and tourists were impressed with a pork based chili to net us any of the tasting prizes.

And the Chili Shack looked great...photos to follow when I get back to my own computers on Sunday...but the same team that beat us last year with their booth did another good one this year and walked away with the "Best Theme" prize.

Otherwise the event was a HUGE roaring success with a record attendance of over 2000 people showing up, and with only 27 teams this year everyone ran out of chili before the 2 PM cut off time.

Even though we made about 15 gallons...three gallons over the mandated 12 gallon quanty..we were actually out of the Green Butt Chili by 1:15 and had to stand there and apologize to people that still had tickets and were voting for the "Peoples' Choice" prizes.

Lesson learned...

John invited me back to cook again next year and we agreed that we'd probably go back toward a traditional top round beef based chili with red beans and give up making white chili from here on out in an event were everyone else's chili looked almost identical.

All and all, in the end we had a LARGE time and it's important to not miss the concept that the prizes are secondary to raising money for local charaties.

Time to go read the internet news and catch up on my fellow bloggers now, y'all have a LOVELY balance of the weekend and I'll report back in once we get through vibrating our way up the interstate to Knoxtown.

It's All Over But (But Not Butt) The Shouting

Massive Quantities Of Chili Ensue...

So we swept up the sawdust and other trash and stacked up all of the prefabricated and painted wood and foam panels and skeleton parts about 4 PM yesterday (I was too busy to take pictures.)

After working all day again like a Madman myself, with John and Pat wielding paintbrushes and the Turbo Pup standing guard over the proceedings, we then ran home and showered and cleaned up and came BACK to the restaurant with our housing hosts, Bruce and Ski, and John then fed us a feast fit for a king.

I had a beef tenderloin that had to have weighed 3/4's of a pound...the Turbo Pup got to finish it when we tumbled and stumbled back home, partially as a reward for her Sentry Duties but mainly just because she's spoiled rotten.

Now I've had a few hours sleep and had time to answer a bunch of business related e-mails...we landed another order during my absence from the office...and after a little more Googling and news reading I'm going to catch another few hours of sleep and then get up and be back at the Blackwater Grill at 6 AM ready to make two or three trips over to the scene of the crime Chili Cookoff venue.

I forgot to mention that we drew numbers at the "Captains Meeting" last night and we managed to get an excellent booth location, about twenty feet from where we were last year, right across the common area from where my Buddy Kimbo's band the "StringRays" will be playing music all day.

I just ran the numbers in my head and with 25 teams (down from 32 last year) cooking at least 12 gallons of chili each (we're doing about 15 gallons,) there will be THREE HUNDRED GALLONS OF CHILI cooked and consumed on St. Simons Island in the next 12 hours.

I swear that you can't pay enough money to buy stuff and do things that's this much fun, but still I have to be going now and get ready to try to win....

(drum roll please...)

People's Choice (First or at least Second Place)
Most Unusual Chili
Best Booth/Theme
Best overall Chili--By the Judges

Even if we just end up coming away tired with nothing but an empty chili pot the day will have been a success, because all of the proceeds from the entry fees and tasting tickets go to local charities.

Wish us luck...if you will...and Regards Y'all...

T-Minus One Day And Counting

Trying To Stay Cool Here Boss...


OK, ok, Ok OKAY...I admit it...

I can't leave "Good Enough" alone...things went like this since I started construction yesterday on the "Jamaican Me Cajun Green Butt Chili Shack."

My chili cooking partner John and I met for breakfast at the local Huddle House, an Island "Institution" since a place called "Poor Richard's" closed down about a dozen years ago, ran to Ace Hardware and bought funky pastel colored blue and yellow and pink paint, did the local Island lumber yard for sticks of wood and slabs of foam sheeting, and by 11 AM I was making sawdust on the back deck of the restaurant.

My friend Jamie, the head chef over there at Blackwater Grill, already had 80 pounds of Boston Butt cooked down to where it was falling apart, and the resulting 8 GALLONS of stock from the cooking was cooled and skimmed and de-greased so I was confident that what I was looking at was basically a construction project for Thursday and Friday before putting the Chili Shack and the final "Green Butt" Chili concoction together on site at the "Rotary Red Hot Chili Cookoff" on Saturday morning.

Then as is usual, me having spent months drawing hand sketches and twenty five pages of AutoCAD drawings, once again I couldn't help starting to improvise here and there with some things that caused me to end up using up an hour and one half of unplanned time thinking about and revising my sketches, and then in the end cutting up and running out of lumber before I had the entire framework put together.

And we ended up not smearing a single ounce of paint on anything by the end of the day either.

At least Pat and the Turbo Pup got to act like they were on VACATION, but all I did was look at the marsh behind the restaurant deck and stumble around tripping over my power cords in full blown panic mode by 3 PM.

So any way, after spending time re-planning and regrouping I'm getting an early start this morning by going BACK to Ace Hardware for a few items and BACK to the Lumber Yard for some more boards.

Then after giving me a head start making more sawdust John and Pat are showing up about 11 AM to begin smearing the base coat of paint on the parts of the structure I have finished.

Then this afternoon I will come back across everything with a roller or paint brush doing details and highlights and generally trying to make things look like an old weathered beach bar/"Tiki Hut."

And even though the process will possibly take most of the day, I know that we'll be finished and can proudly use whatever we have as a finished product Saturday morning, because most of the teams just set up a portable canopy tent and hang up a sign and slop chili around for three or four hours.

I MIGHT actually make it to the beach for a few minutes over the next two days, but then again I MIGHT NOT.

After all, I came down here this week to cook chili, and everything else is a bonus.

How do you say that in Latin?

Vedi, Veni Vici?

Virgil Freakin' Crazi?

OK, I give up...I'm taking ideas if you have any...

Coastal Induced Coma

Just Report Me "Missing"...


Well, we made it... nearly 8 hours and 550 miles later.

We delayed our departure a few hours yesterday morning, for what turned out to be no good reason, because the stupid weather and news people were yapping about Chattanooga getting SEVEN INCHES of snow and our path between Knoxtown and the Georgia Coast intersected with that area on the interstate and we didn't want to be fighting with tractor trailers while things might be below freezing.

Thus we arrived about sunset and missed happy hour and had to go straight into dinner mode with our Friends Bruce and Ski.

I swear I feel fifteen or twenty years younger when we turn left off US 17 and start driving east across the marsh and we can see the bridge over the Inter coastal Waterway and the Island on the horizon spanning north...all eleven miles worth...and Jekyll Island south of the ship channel and St. Simons Sound.

It was nearly 60 degrees outside and we had the windows down in the car on the way across the creeks and marshes and the Frederica River.

Even the Turbo Pup seemed to really understand where she was going.

I wish everyone could have the opportunity to find somewhere like this that they really, Really, REALLY love being at/in. And I know many others do, but so many people don't because they either have no choice of where they're born or where they live or else they're just afraid to step out into the world and seize the moment and make a change in their existence and lifestyle.

We've done it before and I hope to be able to move back here permanently in 2011...only time will tell.

Some people might consider me to be a bit unreliable or distracted or unconventional, but based on what I've seen and done over the past fifty years I say that looking at things from my own life perspective, tempered with my personal near-death experiences over the past twenty years, that I've struck a pretty reasonable balance between "shoulder to the plow"..."nose to the grindstone" and my own "Devil May Care" philosophy.

And tomorrow at 9:30 AM I get my first look at my 80 plus pounds of cooked Boston Butts, greet my friend John Howton, and I get to see the components of last years "Bayou Chili Shack". And after a trip to Home Depot for paint and foam board and some lumber I'm going to spend three days doing EXACTLY what I would rather be doing...something that most likely can't be done anywhere else in the world on March 4th, 2010...except on our Little Island.

Wish us luck...if you will...and photos to follow...Y'all...

If The Spices Don't Get You...

The Static Electricity Will

I have to warn everybody that there's all kinds of crazy stuff going on here in the wee hours of the morning at the Turbo Pup Compound on the banks of the mighty Tennessee River...so it's best you keep your distance...

For instance, I just had to put together this pile of stuff in support of this weekend's exercises:



That would be a picture of what I technically call "Spice Blast #1", a mixture of the following ingredients...and it's only ONE HALF of the seasonings going into 15 gallons of my soon to be intergalactically famous Chili...

There's 7-1/2 Table spoons each of:

Cayenne pepper
Plain old Kroger Brand Chili Powder
Fancy "Pendries" brand Cumin from Texas
Garlic Powder
Dried Onion Flakes
Fancy "Pendries" Brand Smoked Spanish Paprika (the dark red color you see there on top)

Now all of that mixture is sealed up in a container in preparation of the drive later this morning to the Georgia Coast, and there's another container containing almost as much similar stuff, but I'd have to kill you if I told you what there is in that mix before we cook on Saturday (once we win or lose I'll publish the details.)

Meanwhile, I have to report that stuff like this was going on in my living room last night...



That would be our little Missy the Turbo Pup taking a break after I wallowed her around on her blanket and she got a bad case of "static head".

She's ready to go to the BEACH....and so's her Dad...

Snow Again In East Tennessee

Trip To The Potty




The good news is that tomorrow afternoon the Turbo Pup's footprints will be on the Beach!!

Top Ten Things You Never Want To See On a Menu

Sorry...I'm Getting A Little Crazy Due To Sleep Deprivation...


Ok, ok, OK...I admit that I made this list up myself in about five minutes while reading about food safety this morning. I was inspired because some of the articles are so incredibly stupid...telling people simple stuff like to wash their hands and warning people with deadly incurable diseases to stay out of the kitchen and stuff...

Any way, here goes...my top ten list of things I never want to see listed on a restaurant menu:


1. Seeping Abscess Sauce

2. Sauteed Festering Fistula

3. Rendered Glandular Secretions

4. Ovarian Ham Omelet

(Tie) Thinly sliced Post-partum Depressions

5. Phlegm Flan

6. Renal Retinas in Cataract Shiitaki Au Jus

7. Braised Hemorrhagic Hysterectomies

8. Gelatinous Genitalia Gelatin

9. Compounded Corpuscular Butter

10. Vienna Sausage & Vegetable Vasectomy Medley

(I left out "grilled testicular rectalosis" which came in a close #11 in the polling.)


OK, everybody issue a collective Eeeeewwwwwwwuuuuuuuu!

But still, imagine a menu with those words on it somewhere in...I don't know...San Francisco or Berkley...could happen?

My PLC Is Haunted

I'm Calling In Technical Support...


I'm still not quite sure what's going on, but I've got this one IR sensor that, if it didn't cost nearly $400, I'd have already thrown out in the driveway and run over it with the car a couple of times in a screaming conniption fit.

The stupid thing is programmable about a zillion different ways, but all I want is for it to look at something that's between the range of 32 degrees F and 300 degrees and tell my software when it sees something out of range (moving past in the plant on a conveyor at about 5 bottles per second) and trigger a relay contact.

Simple stuff like this happens all the time every day in control panels in manufacturing plants all around the world....

but not in my basement so far in the past week.

I set the thing up, verify the settings, unhook it from my Laptop, hook it to the PLC panel, and it keeps losing it's silly little electronic mind.

WTF?

I'm giving things until the end of the day, then I'm calling in a consultant I guess.

Someone like this guy may be able to help me...

Please call if you know anyone that's local or you can give me a reference so I can fly them in for a consultation...

Down To The "Wire(ing)"

Self Imposed Fire Drills and "Stuff"...


So I finally got the old HP laptop and my custom PLC panel and both Micro Epsilon non-contact IR sensors back into the same room--my shop--in the basement on my test bench last night after dinner and a nap.

I figured I'd fool around tonight for a couple of hours with some final software modifications and fine tune the instruction manual wording, and then toss everything into cardboard and bubble wrap and hit Fed EX tomorrow afternoon.

If you agree with my optimistic summary of my progress, you'd be...

W R O N G!!!

As of about 15 minutes ago I've got one Infrared sensor that's losing its proverbial mind with it's 0-10 volt DC output jumping all over the place on the chart looking at exactly the same spot in the shop as the other sensor which is working fine.

It did the same thing a few weeks ago before I shipped the first panel to Kansas City, so I replaced it with another sensor on that panel, and when I hooked it back up on this system which is ultimately headed to Maryland...it calmed down some and I thought I was going to be able to fine tune the programmable outputs to something usable.

Now I don't know, and I only have about 48 hours to get things straightened out.

Stuff like this drives me crazy, but if I'm an expert at anything in life it's being guilty of severe but somehow well intended procrastination...just ask my family and friends and ex-wives/girlfriends.

I tend to get ahead on a project and get all pompous and confident, and then I end up fooling around doing other non essential crap and wake up in the end running in circles screaming like my head is on fire.

Thus, today and tomorrow are going to be days of that sort, so if you don't hear from me just go outside and look on the horizon toward Knoxville, Tennessee...or possibly watch the Weather Channel or Fox NEWS and see if there is some instance of some middle aged guy spontaneously bursting into flame.

Why do I continue to do this to myself???

I'm supposed to be lounging around getting ready to cook massive quantities of Chili...you know?

OK, time for another nap now because I have to get going before 10 AM if I'm going to get help from the IR sensor customer support people and not risk bursting a blood vessel in the process.

Regards Y'all...

We Might All Be Going To Hell In A Basket...

But At Least I'M Enjoying The Ride!!!


First of all...let me offer a hearty "I told you so"...

I direct that commentary toward those of you who read my blog posting from EARLY Saturday morning and then ended up wincing your way along with me through the mindless, never ending, meaningless coverage of the the Chilean earthquake and "potential Tsunamis" on every TV channel including CNN and FOX News yesterday.

By 8 AM Saturday morning anyone with any sense knew that the Tsunami threat was pretty much over based on what happened on the northern coasts of South and Central America and the Mexican Baja Pensula, but the "TV News Networks" insisted on holding out...praying for a disaster...and televising a mind numbing, second by second, "live-on-the-scene" report from Hawaii of people standing around babbling and waiting for a four foot wave to arrive on the scene.

I'd rather spend my time watching important things like paint drying and Pizza dough rising...

and I, personally, am ready to buy an expensive ticket, go get on an airplane and set about to find Hernando Revolver Geraldo Riveria and sneak up on him and strangle him to death with his own microphone cord.

There's probably a Nobel Prize or an Emmy or some kind of award available for anyone that can save the TV viewing public from the guy...

I'm sorry folks, but that SOB gets on my last nerve every time I see his stupid moustached face on TV because he just can't freakin' shut up after telling you what has or will happen on/in any given "news story."

Gretta Van Sustren runs a close second yapping away about Natalie Holloway and the other "missing/murdered/abused woman/child du joure" but I respect women enough to not threaten to lay a hand on her although I could find myself yelling at her to give the story a rest every now and then.

You know?

But Hernando Geraldo is different...

the man just bothers me with his style including things like the famous empty Al Capone's vault episode back in 1986:



So any way, I'm having a hard time staying focused this morning, having basically wasted Saturday doing nothing but going last minute grocery shopping for things we need to drag with us down to the Chili cookoff this week (check out Goya Recaito Cilantro Cooking Base) and cooking a giant portion of my soon to be internationally famous Horseradish crusted pork tenderloin for dinner with our neighbors.

On the professional front, the good news is that I got the HP laptop fired back up with the arrival of a new AC adapter via Fed Ex this morning, so I'm back in the PLC programming business in time to meet the deadline. Unfortunately now the battery has also been proven to be a casualty of the AC supply malfunction also but I can live without it for the time being and as long as I have 110 power my life will go on uninterrupted.

All that said, I absolutely have to get my head focused on finishing the Phase II PLC programming and build another four pneumatic valves...preferably today and Monday, because I don't want to be answering the phone and worrying about that kind of stuff while out of town trying to cook Chili and sit around the pool and on the beach.

It's tough being me, but I made my bed...and I guess I have to lie in it now...